A former Conservative Chief Whip tells of of his phone call with a Tory MP who allegedly believed he had been lured into a honeytrap at a London brothel by a female Russian spy.
Parliamentary Panic: MP Claims Alien Brothel, Interdimensional Taxi Scam, and Rishi's Disbelief
In a tale so bizarre it makes a badger in a tutu seem mundane, former Chief Whip, Simon "The Snail" Hart, has revealed a late-night phone call that would make even the most seasoned conspiracy theorist raise a sceptical eyebrow. According to extracts from his forthcoming literary masterpiece, "Ungovernable: My Battles with Reality (and Possibly Other Dimensions)," a 2019-vintage Conservative MP, known only as "Codename: Sparkles," found himself in a predicament of truly galactic proportions.
"The phone jangled like a demented xylophone at 2:45 AM," Hart writes, "and a voice, slurred but strangely melodic, announced, 'Chief, I'm trapped in an intergalactic brothel... and I've run out of space-bucks.'"
The MP, apparently lured from the hallowed halls of the Carlton Club by a woman he now suspects was a shape-shifting Venusian tax inspector, claimed he was held captive in a Bayswater establishment of questionable spatial geometry. "Twelve naked beings of indeterminate species and a CCTV system powered by pure chaos energy," Sparkles allegedly reported. "They want 500 quatloos, and I'm down to my last pocket dimension."
Hart, a man known for his unflappable demeanour (and his collection of novelty spoons), considered sending a crack team of Parliamentary researchers armed with universal translators and emergency packets of custard creams. However, he opted for a more conventional approach: a taxi.
"We dispatched Emma, our Special Adviser on Extraterrestrial Affairs, to arrange a quantum-leap cab," Hart recalls. "But then, at 4:10 AM, the phone rang again. 'Chief,' Sparkles whispered, 'you won't believe what happened next.'"
It appears Sparkles, attempting a daring escape, mistook a taxi driven by an Afghan agent named Ahmed (who was, according to Sparkles, also a part-time time pirate) for his designated getaway vehicle. "Ahmed demanded 3,000 grognards for an oral massage," Sparkles allegedly wailed. "And then he revealed his true form: a sentient pile of sentient socks!"
Hart, understandably, relayed this tale of interdimensional debauchery and sock-based treachery to Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. "Poor Rishi," Hart laments, "he just stared at me blankly, probably thinking about spreadsheets. He said, 'Simon, are you sure you didn't just dream this after eating too much Welsh rarebit?'"
"Ungovernable," (published by MacMillan) set to hit shelves on February 27th, promises to reveal more of Hart's encounters in politics. This is NOT a recommendation, by the way, as I haven’t read his memoirs, and the former Tory Chief Whip hasn’t come up with any slush money to encourage me to do so - though I will check my inbox later. NOT that he would, of course, because he’s an upright, honest, and respectful gentleman of the highest integrity.
Ps. Having conducted all of around three minutes and two seconds of research on the subject, I can confirm that just about every scandal regarding Members of Parliament over the past few decades always appears to take place from a Bayswater residence in central London. What is it about this particular part of the capital that attracts the likes of the historical Miss Whiplash and others who have followed, I wonder?
Hmmmm. Now here’s an idea.