#Bristol: 5/5 Stars - The Sparkling, Butt Plug City of Endless, Hilarious Absurdity!

From Green Dreams to "Puce" Schemes: A City's Battle Against Bureaucratic Bedlam.

Well, if it isn't the perpetual chuckle-fest that keeps me sane here in Bristol, I don't know what is. Ah, Bristol, where the terms "piss up" and "brewery" are forever entwined in unholy matrimony. It's a genuine gem in the crown of sheer ridiculousness, a fact the UK should either hang its head in shame over or puff out its chest with pride, depending on the day. So, what new absurdity is currently glittering from this city's sparkling butt plug on the UK map, and, more importantly, where do I even begin?

Well, the ongoing saga of Bristol's council certainly provides endless comedic material, doesn't it? Just when you thought they'd settled on a shade of Green, our beloved government has swooped in, forcing a transition to what can only be described as "puce" – a colour that perfectly embodies the current state of the Green administration. Bristol City Council is being dragged kicking and screaming back to a model it previously ditched, thanks to a government shake-up. The absurdity, naturally, continues unabated.

It seems the democratic will of Bristolians, expressed just three short years ago in a city-wide referendum to scrap the directly elected mayor and embrace the committee model, counts for precisely squat. Now, the government has decided that councils operating under policy committees, like our fair city, must revert to the leader and cabinet model. Hoorah, indeed!

This has, predictably, sparked outrage amongst the Greens and Liberal Democrats in Bristol, who've been running the show since last May. Their cries of "undemocratic and clueless" echo through the council chambers. However, Labour, who've spent the past year acting as a rather vocal opposition (despite being offered a seat at the table), have welcomed the move, branding the current eight policy committees "shambolic" and a "failed experiment." A government minister, clearly a connoisseur of irony, declared the change would prevent councils from "wasting taxpayer funds on needless changes to systems of governance." Oh, the exquisite irony!

A Whirlwind Tour of Governance Models Past (and Future)

Let's take a quick stroll down Bristol's memory lane of council governance, shall we?

• Pre-2012: The city dabbled with the leader and cabinet model.

• 2012-2024: Then came the era of the directly elected mayor. First, the independent George Ferguson (2012-2016), followed by Labour's Marvin Rees (2016-2024). And we all know how that last act played out, don't we? This system, while concentrating power, eventually fell out of favour due to perceived over-centralisation, leading to the 2022 referendum.

• May 2024 - Present: The glorious committee model was ushered in, following the referendum. Eight policy committees, each made up of councillors from different parties (Greens chairing six, Lib Dems the other two), were supposed to spread the power and foster collaboration.

• Imminent Future: And now, dear reader, we're being forced back to the leader and cabinet model. The very system Bristol voted to scrap. It's almost as if the government has a secret bingo card of governance models to inflict upon us!

The new old system, similar to how central government operates, will feature a council leader and a cabinet of around eight councillors, each responsible for different policy areas. It's pitched as a happy medium between the all-powerful mayor and the "too spread out" committee system, with most councils in England apparently using it already. The minister, Jim McMahon, confidently stated it would make governance "simpler" and "clearer who is responsible and accountable," leading to "more efficient decisions." We've heard that one before, haven't we?. The Blame Game and the "Real" Problems

The Greens, understandably miffed, are calling this "undemocratic and clueless," arguing that it undermines the will of local people and won't solve Bristol's actual problems, most of which they seem to have created, by the way – the ever-increasing demand for social care and special needs education, and the perpetual lack of government funding. Green Councillor Heather Mack even took a swipe at Labour for "meddling with local democratic decisions while providing no respite from 15 years of austerity."

Liberal Democrat Cllr Stephen Williams echoed these sentiments, praising the committee system for improved transparency and collaboration, while subtly suggesting that "not all parties have approached the committee system in good faith" – a thinly veiled jab at Bristol Labour.

Labour, however, is standing firm, with Cllr Tom Renhard, leader of the Labour group, declaring the committee system "nothing short of shambolic" and "not fit for purpose." He pointed to "council housing schemes scrapped in behind-closed-doors meetings, public assets sold off without a public vote or scrutiny, and councillors avoid accountability for their plans once it’s clear they are unpopular." Strong words indeed. He even managed to squeeze in a dig at the Greens, reminding us of their proposals to close libraries and sack lollipop people.

What Does This Mean for the Average Bristolian?

For the everyday person in Bristol, this could mean one of two things, neither of which involves a free pint:

• Less Transparency: Decisions affecting your daily life – how you get around, where you live, your kids' schools – might become even more opaque, as power centralises.

• Less Dithering (Potentially): On the flip side, we might see less inter-party bickering and more decisive action. Or, as the Greens suggest, just more headaches for those trying to run the city. As those who have experienced the LTN’s already know.

Ultimately, while the government and political parties squabble over the best way to shuffle the deck chairs, the fundamental challenges facing Bristol – a chronic lack of cash and soaring demand for services – remain stubbornly unresolved. It seems the "sparkling butt plug" of Bristol's absurdity is about to get another polish on the UK map.

So, dear reader, what's your take on this latest governance re-shuffle? Another hilarious misstep, or a glimmer of hope for a more efficient Bristol?

No, not a bit of it! And, for part two of this particular ‘Green’ foray, I have to extend my thanks to

Helen

for doing the heavy lifting on the "The Pointlessness of Planters." You know, much like the current council leadership.

Helen, composed a ‘brilliant’ article on the subject, which I’m now about to highlight in my own inimitable way, as further absurdity from that College Green mob. So, here we go (and I hope I do her article, at the very least) some justice.

East Bristol's Grand Experiment in Compulsory Bliss: A Farce in Four Acts.

Behold, the glorious People's Republic of East Bristol, where the Council, in an unparalleled act of benevolent authoritarianism, unveiled its groundbreaking initiative to strong-arm its citizens into an inescapable state of happiness, health, and safety! Forget quaint notions of personal choice or, heaven forbid, convenience; the path to utopia, as it turns out, is paved with plastic planters and lurid red paint.

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Act I: The Great Road Blockade, or "You Will Be Happy, Whether You Like It or Not!"

The curtain rises on a spectacle of civic engineering so profoundly illogical it could only be the brainchild of bureaucratic genius. Having clearly consulted ancient prophecies and the collected works of Dr. Seuss, our esteemed Council finally launched the "trial phase" of its harebrained scheme. This involved, quite simply, blocking off roads and making everyone's lives demonstrably more difficult. Because, as any true visionary knows, the shortest route to joy is a labyrinth of diversion and frustration!

Enter the majestic planters, parklets, and bollards, strategically deployed to ensnare unsuspecting motorists in a delightful dance of traffic chaos. And for those who dare to stray from the mandated path of vehicular misery? Why, ANPR surveillance stands ever vigilant, ready to dispatch a flurry of "Code 34W" warning letters – apparently, driving on one's own street is now a criminal offence akin to pilfering state secrets. One can only imagine the carbon footprint of this paper-based re-education campaign; surely, the Council is offsetting it by planting a single, struggling shrub in a plastic box, thus single-handedly saving the planet from impending doom.

And speaking of aesthetics, behold the magnificent lurid red streets! No longer will citizens be able to claim blissful ignorance as they inadvertently cross a "bus gate" and incur a mandatory £70 "happiness tax." It's a stroke of genius, really: financial pain as a catalyst for collective well-being. If the sheer stress of navigating this urban obstacle course hasn't already induced a nervous breakdown, the impending fines surely will.

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Act II: The Art of Sensory Overload, and the Curious Case of the "Parklet."

But wait, there's more! In a move that truly redefines "public art," some pavements have been adorned with brightly-coloured, childish, and utterly controversial street art. Because nothing says "community engagement" like forcing residents to gaze upon abstract squiggles paid for with their own hard-earned cash. Perhaps this is the Council's ingenious method of sensory overload, a counter-balance to the enforced traffic calming, ensuring citizens remain perpetually alert – or simply perpetually irritated.

Then there's the pièce de résistance: the humble "parklet." These delightful urban oases, springing up like weeds in the most inconvenient locations (such as, say, directly outside a primary school), are undoubtedly designed to foster a sense of serene contemplation. It's merely a delightful coincidence that these very "parklets," with their convenient escape routes for cyclists (where police cars fear to tread, naturally), also provide the perfect backdrop for "dubious activities" once the streetlights dim. But fear not, for the new cameras, soon to be catching and financially punishing those naughty locals for the cardinal sin of using their own roads, will ensure justice prevails! Right?

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Act III: The Myth of the "Green Oasis" and the Burden of Planter Maintenance.

Ah, the ubiquitous planters! Kindly installed during the Council's clandestine "nighttime planter-blitz-attack" (a stealth operation worthy of a spy thriller), these majestic plastic boxes are, according to the Council's own pronouncements, set to "mitigate climate change" by "capturing carbon and preventing flooding." One can almost hear the Amazon rainforest collectively breathing a sigh of relief.

While the exact individual responsible for the "hard work of caring for the poor plants" (currently, it appears, nobody) remains a thrilling mystery, it's abundantly clear that this proliferation of decorative detritus is merely a "green" Trojan horse, designed to make road-blocking look environmentally conscious. One can only hope that Councillor for St George West, Rob Bryher, so "emotionally invested in the joys of this scheme," will personally volunteer for planter duty. Perhaps a kind reader might lend him a watering can and a trowel? After all, the fate of the planet, and East Bristol's aesthetic appeal, rests squarely on his green thumb.

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Act IV: The Infallible Council and the Stubborn Truth.

Throughout this glorious transformation, our tireless councillors continually reassure everyone that these micro-managing schemes, involving "dead plants in plastic (yes, they are plastic) boxes," are "absolutely brilliant for bringing urban communities together and saving lives in a way that no other imaginable use of public funds could ever achieve." It's almost as if they believe their own press releases!

Despite a cacophony of objections and protests, Bristol City Council remains steadfast in its divine mission. They are, you see, very "picky" about which feedback they "accept." An agenda is an agenda, and the ends, no matter how nonsensical, must justify the means. People must suffer to get tougher; there's no gain without pain. This, my friends, is the Orwellian logic that drives our local politicians to make people so utterly miserable in the name of... well, happiness.

As the sage Martin Tancock so eloquently put it, the entire scheme makes "no sense whatsoever." In a world where work locations are scattered, both parents often work to make ends meet, and public transport is a distant, hollowed-out memory, forcing people back into a 1960s mobility paradigm is not merely tone-deaf; it's a symphony of absurdity.

So, unless Bristol City Council can magically conjure up local employment, fix the utterly broken public transport system, and provide universal childcare (all simultaneously, of course), then blocking roads with what will undoubtedly become "weed-infested boxes of mud" will solve precisely nothing. In fact, as we're already witnessing, it will only make things infinitely worse.

But hey, what do we know? We're just the common folk, attempting to navigate the glorious, congested, and aesthetically questionable future that our benevolent overlords have so graciously bestowed upon us. And the scheme itself? Well, so absurd our former elected Mayor could have dreamed it up to run alongside his fabulous underground railway plan for the city.

Anyway, I’ll leave it there. You know, to keep an eye out my window for those annoyingly elusive, flying pigs. And, green ones, at that!