#Bristol, and Barton Hill's Dawn of Delightful Dictatorship.
Because Your Opinion Matters (After We've Installed Everything).
(NOT an actual image from the scene, by the way)
Alright, buckle up, folks, because apparently, yesterday’s insightful treatise on the "Tate Phenomenon" landed with all the grace of a drunken reveller at a funeral. Yes, yes, that post. The one where I dared to dissect the complex tapestry of modern masculinity with the delicate touch of a brain surgeon wielding a rusty spork.
To say it went down like "cold sick" or "bacon sandwiches at a Bar Mitzvah" (a culinary juxtaposition I think is peak wit, by the way)... insufficiently explains the lack of appreciation I received. I mean, who doesn't love a good metaphor that makes you question your life choices, right?
So, with no further ado, I reluctantly have to accept my attempt at dissecting this cultural phenomenon was a flop. However, excuse me for trying to be insightful! I guess I'll just have to stick with writing about the existential dread of Bristol’s Green councillors, and gracefully accept the fact that The Times newspaper is clearly missing out on my unique brand of profound nothingness. And, if you believe that lot, I have a water treatment plant in the Sahara I can sell you.
So, back to Greens it is then. Now, you have to think of the Greens as the junior cadets of politics. Everyone elected to any local or national politics position within this Party should walk around with an ‘L’ plate to identify them for at least a decade. You know, while they’re still practising whatever it is they’re practising for, that no one else who isn’t permanently stoned understands, because it’s usually several light years ahead of its time……..and, the rest of us mere Earthlings.
Meanwhile, in Barton Hill, Bristol. That shining beacon of urban utopia. Residents, nestled in their perfectly planned community, were about to experience a symphony of progress. Where normally the only sound was the gentle hum of compliance, the night air now vibrated with the buzz of police drones and the reassuring thump of hastily deployed, council-sanctioned planters.
Yes, last night, while the good citizens of Barton Hill slumbered, dreaming of diesel fumes and the open road, the Green Party's vanguard, in a symphony of high-vis jackets and tactical shrubbery, descended upon their unsuspecting streets. Operation "Liveable Lockdown," a masterpiece of pre-emptive traffic management, was in full swing.
Forget the quaint notion of public consultation. This is the 21st century, where democracy manifests as a 3 a.m. deployment of ETM contractors, bolstered by a police presence that would make a Cold War-era border guard blush. Why debate when you can simply implement?
A handful of local insurgents, roused from their slumber by the clatter of bus gate installations, dared to challenge the council's divine right to rearrange their streets. A few brave souls even lay down in the road, clinging to the antiquated idea that they had some say in their own neighborhood. How quaint!
But the forces of progress were not to be denied. A police liaison officer, with the gentle firmness of a kindergarten teacher explaining the rules of naptime, informed the protesters that they were, in fact, obstructing the highway. Never mind that the highway was already being obstructed by the very vehicles they were protesting. Such is the nuanced logic of the new Bristol.
And while a minor victory was claimed at the Marsh Lane junction, where a hastily painted "BUS GAT" now stands as a testament to the fleeting power of citizen resistance and a lesson in spelling for bewildered children who’d be on their way to school in a few hours, the rest of the operation was a resounding success. Victoria Avenue, Cobden Street, Dulcie Road – all now cleansed of the scourge of through traffic, and further spelling mistakes
Fadumo Farah, a local, dared to suggest that the sheer number of police officers was excessive. Sixty! Imagine, sixty guardians of public order, ensuring that a few planters and bus gates could be installed without the inconvenience of public opinion. The drone, of course, was merely a friendly eye in the sky, ensuring everyone was playing nicely.
In a statement issued by Cllr Ed Plowden, he stressed the importance of such a scheme.
“In Bristol's Barton Hill, a district previously known for its quaint, un-enhanced existence, our ‘authority’ decided to introduce a touch of 'progress.' This 'progress' manifested as a swarm of police drones and an army of planters, effectively transforming the streets into a meticulously controlled obstacle course. Because nothing says 'liveable' like being watched and barricaded.
Having decided your streets were far too accessible. We have generously bestowed upon you a series of 'modal filters,' designed to enhance your daily commute by adding an extra layer of bureaucratic inconvenience. After all, what is life without a daily reminder of your place in the grand scheme of urban planning? We understand that some may interpret these measures as a subtle form of imprisonment, but we assure you, it's for your own good.
Residents, no doubt overcome with joy, were treated to a live demonstration of 'Liveable Neighbourhood' implementation, a process so smooth it could only be described as a meticulously orchestrated coup d'état against personal mobility.”
Wow, did he really say that?
No, in fact, he didn’t! It was just my satirical take on what he actually said.
"Contractors attended six sites in East Bristol this morning to install the infrastructure required for the Liveable Neighbourhood trial,” said Cllr Ed Plowden. “Officers from Avon and Somerset Police were on site to support the installation of the measures and facilitate any peaceful protest encountered. Five of the six modal filter sites have now been completed. The bus gates on Avonvale Road and Pilemarsh that have been installed are not currently live.
We will give notice of when they are going to be in use and the large electronic signs will indicate whether they are operational. When the bus gates do go live there will be a period of ‘soft’ enforcement, when drivers will receive a letter in the post the first time they are detected contravening one of the bus gates, rather than receiving a fine. We recently announced a range of travel offers and bus gate exemptions to give extra support to households within the trial area. Further updates on the progress of beginning the trial will be shared with residents in due course.”
So, let this be a lesson to all who dare to question the wisdom of our enlightened council. Resistance is futile. Progress is inevitable. And if you happen to wake up one morning to find your street magically transformed into a green utopia, well, you'll just have to learn to love it. After all, it's for your own good. And the planet of, um……..Bristol?
