Bristol Arena: The Gift That Keeps on Giving (and Giving, and Giving...)
A Work in Progress (and Progress, and Progress...)
Bristol Arena: A Comedy of Errors
The Bristol Arena, a project that has become the city's own version of the Keystone Kops, has once again provided fodder for satirists and amusement for the rest of the city. In a recent twist, it was revealed that the developers had neglected to obtain planning permission before spending millions on the project. This oversight, while seemingly minor to some, is a glaring example of the project's overall incompetence.
So, the saga continues, a delicious buffet of bureaucratic blunders and logistical lunacy! One can almost hear the collective groan of Bristolians as yet another "minor detail" emerges from the planning abyss.
The latest fiasco involves parking concerns in nearby neighbourhoods. The arena's increased capacity to 19,500 concertgoers has raised fears of traffic congestion and parking shortages. While a new train station is planned, it is expected to be insufficient to handle the influx of concertgoers. Bus journeys to the city centre can take up to an hour, making public transportation an unappealing option for many.
So, without further ado, let's dissect this latest installment, shall we?
Increased Capacity, Increased Chaos:
YTL, in their infinite wisdom, decides to pump up the arena capacity to a staggering 19,500. This, naturally, begs the question: where, oh where, will these hordes of gig-goers park?
The proposed train station, bless its little heart, is deemed insufficient. An hour-long bus journey? For a post-concert exodus? One shudders to think of the traffic snarls.
Parking Predicaments and Political Posturing:
Councillor Mark Weston, a beacon of common sense amidst the chaos, suggests a radical idea: actually measuring parking levels before the arena opens. A baseline, if you will.
His concern that without this baseline, there will be no way to prove the arena has caused parking problems is, of course, entirely logical.
The comparison to the parking issues at Ashton Gate is also very telling.
Planning Permission Peril (Again!):
And, of course, YTL needs to apply for another planning permission for the increased capacity. Because, why not? Let's just keep those planning officers busy.
The fact that a new transport assessment will be required shows a clear lack of foresight from the start.
The Ever-Elusive Opening Date:
A date that, like a mirage in the desert, keeps receding into the distance. One can only imagine the betting pools on the actual opening year.
In essence, we have a perfect storm of:
Lack of foresight: Planning a massive arena without adequately addressing transport and parking? Genius!
Bureaucratic bungling: The repeated planning permission issues are a masterclass in inefficiency.
Political point-scoring: Councillors seizing the opportunity to highlight the council's and developers‘ shortcomings.
So, there you have it. The Bristol Arena. A monument to ambition, a testament to... well, something. Let's just say, if incompetence were an Olympic sport, the Bristol Arena (that won’t exactly be in Bristol) would be bringing home the gold. Just when you thought they couldn't possibly top the "oops, we forgot planning permission" debacle, they've outdone themselves. I suspect it’s almost time to bring in someone with a clipboard, pencil and stopwatch to sort it out.
Apparently, YTL, those lovely folks from Malaysia who are building this behemoth of a venue, decided to pump up the capacity. Because why not? From a cozy 17,000 to a sprawling 19,500. Just a casual 2,500 extra gig-goers, no biggie.
Then, those clever councillors suddenly realised... where are all these people going to park? "Oh, crikey," they must have muttered, scratching their heads, "We've got a problem, innit?" Because apparently, the only way to enjoy a concert is to abandon cars in residential gardens, block driveways and incite neighbourly feuds in residential areas like Brentry, with a new housing estate under construction off Charlton Road. Perfectly timed for the new residents to experience the joy of 19,500 people all trying to park in their street at the same time. The house prices are sure to rise!
Councillor Mark Weston (the only Bristol councillor with an iota of common sense, it seems), bless his cotton socks, called for a parking survey. You know, a baseline. Because apparently, the thought of actually planning ahead is as foreign to them as a decent cup of tea in a Starbucks. He’s worried that without a baseline, they won’t be able to trigger the money from YTL to do the mitigations. You know, like, who’d have thought it?
"What I would hate for us to do is get the arena open and then go ‘oh, we haven’t monitored the parking, ’" he said, as if this level of foresight was a revolutionary concept, and Homer Simpson was running the council department with an overall say in the matter.
And let's not forget the "state-of-the-art" public transport. A train station that's about as useful as a chocolate teapot, and buses that take an hour to get to the city centre. Perfect for those post-gig blues. Imagine 19,500 people all trying to get home via public transport. It'll be like a Black Friday stampede, but with more glitter and fewer bargains.
Then there’s the locals, already dealing with the chaos of a new housing estate. They’re thrilled, naturally, to have their quiet neighbourhood transformed into a car park for thousands of screaming music fans. Let’s not forget now that the new ‘Arena’ will be built inside the Brabazon Hangars on the old Filton Airfield. By pure coincidence, a gigantic housing estate is also planned for the airfield, including new schools and parks too. So, yes, let's cram thousands of people into a space that's already a transportation nightmare. What could possibly go wrong? The schools and parks will be great when they are not being used as overflow car parks.
And the comments from the Bristol Post readers? Oh, they're pure gold.
"They should just build a multi-story car park on top of the arena. Problem solved!"
"Just tell everyone to bring their helicopters. It's the 21st century, innit?"
"Another delay? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you!"
"Just move it to Bath, they'll know what to do."
"Just use the hangars as a giant car park, and have the gigs on the roof!"
"They need to build a monorail! Like the Simpsons!"
However, it goes without saying, of course, YTL's promise to "mitigate any potential problems" with an "event parking scheme." Which, in Bristolian terms, probably means they'll put up a few "No Parking" signs and hope for the best.
Oh, damn, I nearly forgot! Watch for the proverbial 'shit' hitting the fan!"
Why? Because of Bristol’s Victorian sewage system's impending doom. 'Imagine the strain on those pipes!' they’ll cry. 'It'll be like a biblical flood, but with... well, you know.' And let's not forget the potential for 'brown rain' when the local water treatment plant is overwhelmed. The local wildlife will be having a field day.
Also, how about the noise pollution? I bet they did not consider the noise of 19,500 people leaving the arena at 11 pm. The local bats will be driven mad.
I even heard that the local badger population has formed a protest group (because this is Bristol, innit?). It seems they are so worried about the amount of traffic and noise that they have even started making placards.
Meanwhile, the arena's opening date of 2028 looms ever closer, like a distant, slightly blurry mirage. Because, let's face it, at this rate, they'll be opening it around the same time they build that mythical Bristol underground.
So, here's to the Bristol Arena: a comedy of errors, a symphony of incompetence, and a guaranteed source of entertainment for years to come. Cheers, Bristol! You never disappoint.
The Bristol Arena: a gift that keeps on giving, indeed. And for a satirist? A veritable goldmine still to come.
