#Bristol - Clean Air Zones - “Air That Respects Boundaries, Pays Taxes, and Obeys Immigration Law.”
Bristol, 2022: Clean Air Zone introduced. £9 per day to drive through air. The same air that’s everywhere. Just cleaner. Because of signs.
Well, now that Trump’s completely resolved that minor Israel/Palestine thing - solved it better than everyone else combined, obviously - maybe he could grace Britain with his presence and fix our catastrophic problems. Like Bristol’s Clean Air Zone, for instance. Bristol - postcode BS - implementing a policy that’s absolutely BS. The city’s postcode has been trying to warn us all along.
Since November 28, 2022, Bristol’s Clean Air Zone has achieved something remarkable: it’s convinced air to respect boundaries. The zone covers the city centre from Bridge Valley Road to Coronation Road, capturing Baldwin Street, Park Street, and—most controversially—the entire A4 Portway scenic route.
In its first year, the CAZ issued 570,000 penalty charge notices, raised £26 million, and achieved a 13% reduction in nitrogen dioxide. It also discovered that air, previously thought to be a fluid governed by physics, now apparently reads signage and stops at boundary lines.
Drive into the zone in a diesel car: £9 per day. Every day. Drive out: free. Drive back in tomorrow: another £9.
The air inside the zone is clean air. The air outside is dirty air. The air knows the difference. Respects the boundary. Doesn’t drift across. Stays put. Like good air should.
Your Diesel Car Is Now a Criminal.
Your diesel car? The one the government told you to buy in 2010 because diesel was green and economical, and better for the planet? That diesel car is now dirty. Unclean. Poisonous. Banned from the Clean Air Zone.
Not actually banned. Just £9. Per day. Forever. That’s £3,285 yearly if you drive every day. For entering a zone with clean air. That’s the same air as everywhere else. Just cleaner. Because boundaries.
Own a petrol car? Free. Enter whenever you want. Petrol creates pollution. But clean pollution. Acceptable pollution.
Diesel? £9. Diesel creates pollution too. Dirty pollution. Unacceptable pollution. Same amount of pollution. Different fuel. One’s free. One’s £9. The science is clear. Apparently.
Bus? Exempt. Black cab? Exempt. Delivery van bringing your Amazon package? Exempt. Taxi? Exempt. Commercial vehicle? Exempt.
Your diesel car driving you to work in the clean air zone? £9.
Because buses don’t pollute. They create exempt pollution. Which is different. Scientifically. Exempt pollution doesn’t count. Doesn’t affect clean air. Just regular pollution affects clean air. Exempt pollution is invisible. To the clean air. Which can tell the difference.
The 1.1% Solution.
Know how much pollution dropped in Bristol’s Clean Air Zone after two years? 1.1%. One point one per cent.
For £9 daily. That’s £818 per 0.01% reduction in pollution. That’s the most expensive clean air in history. You can buy an air purifier for your entire house for £300. But this is different. This is zone air. Clean zone air. Worth £9 daily. Obviously.
But it’s not about the money. It’s about behaviour change. Changing your behaviour. Making you buy a new car. A clean car. A petrol car that pollutes freely. Or an electric car that costs £40,000.
Can’t afford £40,000? Pay £9 daily forever. Eventually, you’ll have paid £43,800 in zone charges. Then you can afford the electric car. Economics.
The Portway Trap: £9 for Avoiding Bristol.
Meanwhile, the air—actual air, made of molecules, subject to physics—is moving. Constantly. Flowing freely across the Clean Air Zone boundary. Because air doesn’t read signs. Doesn’t care about zones. Doesn’t know it’s supposed to stay inside the boundary being clean.
Wind blows. Air moves. Pollution moves. From outside the zone to inside the zone. From inside to outside. Back again. Because that’s what air does. Moves. That’s the primary characteristic of air. Movement.
But we’ve created Clean Air Zones. Where air behaves. Respects boundaries. Stays clean. Unlike actual air. Which is everywhere. Including in the Clean Air Zone. Being exactly as dirty as the air two feet outside it.
The Portway—Bristol’s scenic A4 gorge route from Hotwells toward Avonmouth—sits inside the CAZ despite serving through-traffic. Drivers from the M5 travelling to South Bristol or the airport get “unwittingly hit with CAZ charge even though they had no intention of coming into the city centre.”
Kate, a Bristol resident, captures the geographical confusion: “I’m totally for the Clean Air Zone; however, I think the shape of it is ludicrous. Parts along the Portway that lead out of Bristol are within the zone. How does that make sense?”
The alternative route to avoid Portway? Come down the Long Ashton Bypass, off at Ashton Park school, along Clanage Road toward Clifton Suspension Bridge, through the streets of Clifton, picking up Portway again at Sea Mills. Creating more pollution in all these residential areas with schools.
Congratulations! You successfully avoided Bristol city centre! Here’s your £9 charge for not going to Bristol!
The Street That’s Split in Half.
Bristol’s boundary runs right through neighbourhoods. One side of the street: Clean Air Zone. Other side: not. Same air. Different prices. The air on one side is clean. The air on the other side is dirty. They’re six feet apart. The air knows. Doesn’t mix. Respects property boundaries.
Clifton Vale in Hotwells literally splits in half at Camden Terrace. Upper Clifton Vale stays outside the CAZ. Lower Clifton Vale falls inside. This less-than-half-mile Georgian street means driving from upper to lower section costs £9.
City Road versus Ashley Road: City Road sits INSIDE the CAZ, while parallel Ashley Road remains OUTSIDE. After CAZ launch, City Road became “deserted and devoid of all traffic” while Ashley Road filled with queues, creating “exhaust fumes forming white clouds.” A local street cleaner observed: “It has definitely got busier in the past two weeks...They’re avoiding City Road and Stokes Croft because they know they’re going get zapped.”
Mark Coates lives on Beauley Road in Southville, which gets split by the boundary at Park Road: “I can’t drive to the end of our street to get onto the Portway or into town. It’s quite a big detour for our journey, probably an extra 10-15 minutes.”
The perverse outcome: drivers taking longer routes around the CAZ, generating more pollution in boundary residential areas. Creating the very problem the zone was designed to solve. Perfect.
Trump’s Tariff Solution.
Trump would look at this and say: “You’re charging people for driving into air. But the air from outside is coming in for free. That’s not fair. That’s a trade deficit. In air.”
“We need tariffs on imported air. Air coming from South Gloucestershire into Bristol? That’s foreign air. Dirty foreign air. Coming into our clean British air. Tax it. 25% tariff on all imported air from neighbouring councils.”
“Bath and North East Somerset sending dirty air? Tariff. North Somerset blowing pollution over? Tariff. They want access to our clean air zone? They pay. Fair trade. Air trade. Make Bristol’s air great again.”
Could charge neighbouring councils £9 per cubic metre of dirty air that crosses into Bristol. That’s approximately 847 billion cubic metres per day based on average wind speed and boundary length. At £9 per cubic metre, that’s £7.6 trillion daily in air import tariffs.
Bristol would be the richest city in human history. All from taxing air that was going to flow into Bristol anyway. Because that’s what air does. Flows. Regardless of whether you tax it.
But wait. It gets better.
French Air Crosses the Channel (Illegally).
What about French air? Blowing across the Channel into Kent. Dover. Folkestone. Hastings. French air. Polluted with garlic. And Gauloises. And Gitanes. And that particular French disregard for rules. Coming into Britain. Without permission. Without documentation. Illegal air entry.
Trump: “French air is entering Britain illegally. No visa. No passport. No customs declaration. Just blowing across the Channel like it owns the place. That’s illegal immigration. Air immigration. We need to stop it.”
“Build an air wall. A beautiful air wall. Across the Channel. Keep French air in France. British air in Britain. Make France pay for it.”
How do you build an air wall? Giant fans. Pointing towards France. Blowing British air towards France. Preventing French air from entering. Industrial fans. Millions of them. Along the entire Kent coast. Dover to Margate.
But France retaliates. Installs their own fans. Pointing towards Britain. Blowing French air towards us. Deliberately now. Air warfare. Cold War 2.0. Air war. NATO Article 5: An attack on one member’s air is an attack on all members’ air.
Meanwhile, the wind doesn’t care. Prevailing westerlies blow regardless of fans. The jet stream flows west to east. Always has. Always will. Physics doesn’t negotiate. Doesn’t respect air walls. Doesn’t care about tariffs.
The £26 Million Question
Bristol’s Clean Air Zone has raised £26 million in its first two years. Meanwhile, Bristol City Council faces a £52 million funding gap and has approved seeking government permission to increase CAZ charges with inflation.
570,000 fines issued. Only 49% paid. 91,125 written off when the DVLA couldn’t trace drivers. 37,541 CAZ penalty notices sent to bailiffs in 2023 alone.
Bristol City Council wins only 17% of appeals at the Traffic Penalty Tribunal. Eighty-three per cent of appeals succeed. Every single penalty charge notice issued contained incorrect wording, with references to non-existent legislation.
Sharon Hudd, a single mother, had bailiffs appear at her door demanding £565 within an hour for unpaid CAZ fines. When she said she could only pay £100 immediately, the bailiff responded: “I’m not your support worker. Pay, or we’ll take the car away.” Sharon subsequently developed pneumonia from the stress.
Beverly Rooney, a disabled Blue Badge holder: “I have a blue badge, but we both only have 10 points on our mobility. I cannot afford a newer car. I do not meet the criteria for help...So I can’t take my daughter out very much now due to cost.”
Jason Brown, a builder from Yate: “£350 for an average family – it’s a massive amount of money for us...it’s becoming impossible to work in Bristol.”
Meanwhile, Temple Meads railway station—Bristol’s regional transport hub—sits OUTSIDE the zone, approximately 500 metres southeast of the boundary. Creating confusion for visitors arriving by train who then drive into the zone unknowingly, if they have a hire car waiting for them to drive away in.
The Enforcement That Doesn’t Work.
Three hotspots generate the most fines:
Newfoundland Circus: 132,000 PCNs
Brunel Way: 127,000 PCNs
Hotwell Road/Portway: 77,000 PCNs
Every day, 250 fines are written off. Can’t trace the drivers. Wrong registration. Vehicle not at address. The DVLA database doesn’t match Bristol’s ANPR cameras.
But the cameras keep clicking. The fines keep issuing. The money keeps not coming in, and the council keeps hiring bailiffs to chase debt from people who can’t afford to pay.
This is governance. Bristol style. Where air respects boundaries, but enforcement doesn’t respect reality.
The Truth About Air.
Now, I’m not saying this will happen next. But give it time. Because someone—somewhere—is already drafting the report. Some policy advisor who scraped through their degree is right now, this very moment, preparing their 584-page masterpiece on “Atmospheric Composition Variance and Clean Air Zone Efficacy.”
And when Clean Air Zones inevitably fail to reduce pollution—because air moves regardless of signs—that report will land on a minister’s desk. And it’ll blame the clouds. The wrong type of clouds. Foreign clouds. European clouds. Saharan dust clouds. Non-compliant clouds that don’t respect our frameworks.
It’s coming. As surely as French air crosses the Channel. As certainly as wind blows. Someone will blame the clouds.
Because that’s what we do, when physics defeats policy, we don’t admit the policy was stupid. We blame physics. Wrong type of leaves on the line. Wrong type of snow. And soon: wrong type of clouds.
Mark my words. £4.7 million Cloud Compliance Study. British Cloud Standards. Cloud Entry Points. Cloud Passport Scheme. It’s all there. Waiting. In someone’s drawer. Ready for deployment when the excuses run out.
Trump would look at all this—the air tariffs we’ve actually implemented, the £9 daily charges that don’t work, the cross-Channel air disputes we’re heading toward—and he’d see exactly where it’s going. “The cloud thing? That’s next. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. Wrong type of clouds. Beautiful excuse. Might steal it.”
He’s probably right. Because we’ve got form. We’ve turned air into a compliance issue. Clouds are just the logical next step. Theoretical absurdity today. Policy tomorrow. That’s the British way.
The Final Truth.
But right now, today, this very moment: you’re still paying £9 to drive into Bristol. While air—British air, French air, garlic air, Gauloise air, all air—flows freely. Crosses boundaries. Ignores zones. Doesn’t pay anything. Never has. Never will because it’s air.
And Bristol City Council—facing a £52 million funding gap, winning only 17% of tribunal appeals, writing off 250 fines daily, sending bailiffs to single mothers’ doors—keeps insisting this is about clean air. Not revenue. Not enforcement quotas. Not a £26 million annual income stream from air that doesn’t respect the boundaries we’ve drawn around it.
Clean air. That’s what this is about. Clean air that costs £9 to drive through. Clean air that moves freely regardless of payment. Clean air that’s exactly as clean as the air six feet outside the boundary. Clean air that generates 570,000 fines annually while reducing pollution by 1.1%.
That’s not a Clean Air Zone. That’s a subscription service for air. £9 daily. Cancel anytime by not driving. Or by buying a £40,000 electric car. Your choice. Freedom.
Welcome to Bristol. Where air respects boundaries. Where clouds will soon need passports. Where you pay £9 for the privilege of breathing while moving.
Trump: “Air moves. That’s what air does. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot. But just wait. The cloud thing’s coming. Give it two years. Some genius will blame the clouds. And you’ll hire 23 people to monitor them. I guarantee it.”
Make sense to you? Me neither!
Oh, but wait! This is only the beginning. You want to know the rest of the absurdities, don’t you? Of course you do! Well, I bet you cannot wait to see what’s coming after this. So, make sure, you know, absolutely sure, you’re signed up to ‘The Almighty Gob.’
Coming Up: More British Excellence.
Why your GP surgery has five administrators but can’t answer the phone before 8:03 am. 9:00 if you’re even luckier still.
The eighteen-year debate about whether trains should go fast or very fast (spoiler: we chose neither)
How we invented modern dentistry, then decided teeth were optional
The curious case of the solar farm generating nothing except paperwork since 2018
Why French nuclear electricity is apparently safer than British nuclear electricity, despite being exactly the same electricity
What happens when you need therapy but get inspirational quotes instead
Why the burglar who robbed you is currently robbing someone else (it’s about capacity planning)
The seventeen people who managed to spend £100 billion on half a railway to nowhere
How we protect newts that don’t exist while your children can’t afford houses that do
Efficiency. Procedure. Priorities. How we’ve perfected the art of doing nothing, expensively.
Genius.