Bristol Council's Theatre of the Absurd: Love Locks, Paint, and Unliveable Neighbourhoods.

Bristol City Council LTN Controversy: East Bristol LTN divides Green Party and Labour as Pero's Bridge love locks scrap metal plan and Barton Hill consultation failures spark political row.

(Image: BBC)

After a few days of heavy lifting, brain-wise, I feel as if I’ve completed the mental equivalent of the Royal Marines’ ‘commando’ course and the final 30-mile run, complete with a weighed-down backpack, and I’m finding my way back on foot from Dartmoor.

No doubt, the casualties of this exercise were the loss of a few million more brain cells that died of sheer exhaustion, and there’s an R.I.P. notice stuck firmly somewhere within my subconscious. But, nonetheless, I’ve survived for the most part, and, while that side of my brain takes a well-deserved rest, my more satirical thinking side is grateful for the opportunity to jump into a different kind of action.

Although having said that, the newly found discovery of the German philosopher (revert back to previous article if you missed it) Ernst Jünger, proved to be something of my green beret presentation on passing out.

It was this: “As an anarch, I am determined to go along with nothing, ultimately take nothing seriously – at least not nihilistically, but rather as a border guard in no man’s land, who sharpens his eyes and ears between the tides,” and this: “The political trend is always to be observed, partly as a spectacle, partly for one’s own safety. The liberal is dissatisfied with the regime; the anarch passes through their sequence, as inoffensively as possible – like a suite of rooms. This is the recipe for anyone who cares more about the substance of the world than its shadow – the philosopher, the artist, the believer,” that became the page turner of my entire life thus far, to be honest.

Bristol Council’s Scrap Metal Scheme: From Love Locks to Boat Locks.

Anyway, having said all of that, and now viewing my writing from what will hopefully be a new perspective, while dropping a thunderous hint for future reference to the now resting side of my brain, and so, passing through yet another room in the sequence of civic absurdities – as inoffensively as possible, you understand – I observe that the final march from Dartmoor has brought me right back to Bristol, and a council, seemingly so hard up for dosh to buy a new tin of paint to further decorate the highways and byways, it’s having to turn to weighing in scrap metal.

And what scrap metal, you might ask? Why, the love locks from Pero’s Bridge, of course – those romantic padlocks that besotted couples have been attaching as symbols of their eternal devotion, now destined to be valued primarily by the kilo.

Yes, our Green council – Green, mind you – initially promised to transform these tokens of undying affection into a sculpture. A reassuringly artistic solution that would preserve the sentiment whilst solving the structural problem. (Apparently, the combined weight of all that romance was threatening the bridge’s integrity.) But alas, no funding materialised for that particular project.

So instead, the new proposal is to flog the lot as scrap and use the proceeds to fund... well, presumably another tin of paint. Because if there’s one thing this Green administration has proven consistently enthusiastic about, it’s decorating our highways, byways, footpaths, and cycle lanes with fresh coats of the stuff – turning Bristol’s streets into what increasingly resembles a particularly aggressive game of Twister.

Green Councillor Patrick McAllister floated the idea at a recent harbour committee meeting – because nothing says careful civic planning quite like floating proposals about bridge-mounted padlocks over actual water. Still, at least if the scrap metal plan falls through, they could always just chuck the lot in the harbour and be done with it. Or – and here’s a thought – use the metal to build an actual boat lock somewhere upriver. And while they’re at it, why not construct an additional quay? After all, if you’re going to transform symbols of eternal love into functional infrastructure, you might as well go the whole hog. From love locks to boat locks to Bristol quays: a journey that rather neatly summarises the council’s approach to romance, heritage, and hydraulic engineering in one fell swoop.

McAllister was refreshingly upfront about his cynicism, carefully noting he wasn’t actually advocating for the plan. “The scrap value of those padlocks is presumably quite high,” he observed.

And Bristol Live readers? They’re largely on board with the scheme.

East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood: The Unliveable Truth About LTNs.

Well, while this monumental decision continues to weigh heavily on the minds of those left to solve it, what else do I need to catch up on in this part of my brain’s absence?

Ah yes, the ever-decreasing circles of the LTN scheme – or as those of us more accurately informed prefer to call them, “Unliveable Neighbourhoods.”

Our Green Council, in its infinite environmental wisdom, has perfected the art of solving congestion by concentrating it. The scheme is brilliantly simple: force all traffic into ever-tighter loops around boundary roads, creating permanent gridlock where cars idle and choke in static queues, then declare victory over emissions. It’s environmental policy as three-card monte – the pollution hasn’t disappeared, it’s just been moved somewhere you’re not looking. Meanwhile, inside these “liveable” zones, the fortunate residents enjoy their newfound tranquillity, blissfully unaware that their peace has been purchased at the cost of turning nearby main roads into mobile exhaust chambers.

And the consultation? Oh, there was a consultation. Extensive consultation. With residents who thought LTNs were marvellous. The others – trapped on those boundary roads, breathing the concentrated fumes of everyone else’s displaced journeys – their feedback was carefully considered, thoroughly documented, and then filed under “dissenting voices we can safely ignore because we’ve already ordered the bollards.” And yes, even more paint, because nothing says more about being a fully colour-co-ordinated city in the world of art than an explosion of paint for each and every occasion. A new cycle lane, a palette to soothe drivers on roads that were perfectly fine beforehand, even more abstract art for the benefit of cyclists, and art even more abstract to completely befuddle even the brightest school pupil.

The Council Pantomime: Labour vs Greens Over East Bristol LTN.

Anyway, to the point in hand. And what better way to approach the season of goodwill than with a fully-fledged council pantomime, complete with warring factions, pointed fingers, and accusations flying across the chamber like Christmas crackers at a particularly dysfunctional family dinner?

Oh yes, the East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood scheme has triggered a magnificent theatrical production, with Labour leaders demanding radical changes while Green Party leaders accuse them of being “uninformed” and staging the whole thing as a “stunt” to harvest email addresses. It’s behind you! Oh no, it isn’t! Oh yes, it is!

Our first act opens with Labour publishing its own report during a fresh council consultation. The plot? While the scheme is working splendidly in Redfield and St George – where residents presumably appreciate their newfound tranquillity – it needs to be drastically overhauled in Barton Hill, where bus gates and modal filters should be scrapped entirely. Labour’s group leader, Councillor Tom Renhard, delivered his lines with admirable conviction: yes, Labour started this project when they ran the council until May 2024, but – and here’s the twist – it was only a proposal then. The Green Party actually implemented it, so naturally, they’re to blame.

Cue stage left: the Green Party, entering with righteous indignation. Political opportunism! They cry. Labour designed the scheme, then criticised it once the Greens did the actual work of putting it in place. The Labour report and survey? Nothing but a stunt to collect email addresses! Labour, naturally, denies this with vigorous head-shaking and claims of wounded integrity.

The set design for this drama is impressive: a wide area from Lawrence Hill and Barton Hill in the west to Redfield and St George in the east, with roads carved into cul-de-sac zones. Drivers must exit one zone via surrounding main roads and enter another, prohibited from driving freely between the two. This masterpiece has been achieved using modal filters, retractable bollards, and bus gates scattered across the area like props in an increasingly chaotic stage production.

But wait – there’s trouble in Barton Hill! While the scheme plays to rave reviews in Redfield and St George, it’s getting booed off stage in Barton Hill. Labour’s demands include: turning off bus gates on Avonvale Road and Marsh Lane, removing the bollard on Ducie Road bridge (which, in a dramatic summer subplot, delayed firefighters attending a blaze), compensating local businesses affected by the Barton Hill bus gate, replacing modal filter planters with ‘residents only access gates’ enforced by number plate recognition cameras that fine non-residents, and urgent improvements to the junction at Blackswarth Road and Church Road, now suffering from daily gridlock courtesy of the EBLN scheme.

“The East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood needs to change,” declared Councillor Renhard, delivering his closing monologue. “Residents have been calling on the Green-led council to listen to their concerns, yet their pleas have fallen on deaf ears.” A trial meant to last six months will be in place for over a year before a final decision is made, he noted with theatrical despair.

And the council’s latest consultation? “One of the worst I have ever seen,” Renhard proclaimed. “Residents deserve a chance to give some genuine feedback. Instead, they got another tick-box exercise to support a pre-determined outcome.” Meanwhile, the Greens shout, “Oh, yes we did!” and Cllr Renhard shouts back, “Oh no you didn’t!” and the pantomime continues.

The audience – sorry, residents – await the final act with bated breath.

The Anarch’s Perspective: Observing Bristol’s Civic Theatre.

And there we have it: democracy as dinner theatre, environmental policy as paint-by-numbers, and genuine consultation as a box-ticking exercise with a predetermined outcome. The anarch watches, notes the pattern, and recognises it for what it is - not governance, but performance art funded by council tax and painted onto roads that were perfectly adequate before anyone decided to improve them. The residents of Barton Hill still remain in an (un)liveable neighbourhood they never asked for in the first place, while Labour and the Greens trade accusations like panto villains, and I pass through to observe whatever fresh absurdity tomorrow brings. As inoffensively as possible, naturally.

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