#Bristol: from Bard to Verse (and a whole lot of numpties with 'Much Ado about Nothing')..
Alright, folks, let's clear up this divine confusion once and for all. "The Almighty Gob" is where I, your humble narrator, dissect the absurdity of our modern world, one ludicrous anecdote at a time.
DISCLAIMER.
Right, before we get to the literary delights of Bristol, a word about delicate sensibilities. Prepare yourselves, because some precious petals out there have taken umbrage at my moniker, "The Almighty Gob." Apparently, they're struggling with the subtle distinction between "The Almighty Gob" and "Almighty God." For the intellectually challenged: one is a figment of your imagination (possibly), the other is this very blog, where I, your friendly neighbourhood misanthrope, dissect the absurdities of modern life. Frankly, I find it astonishing anyone could confuse the two. I mean, the Almighty Gob actually exists.
Let's break it down Barney-style, shall we? "The Almighty Gob" = me, mocking the world's weirdos. "Almighty God" = the guy who presumably created said weirdos. So, really, I'm just an understudy, following the divine lead. And as for miracles? The fact that I haven't been struck down by a celestial lightning bolt for this blasphemy is miracle enough, wouldn't you say?
Speaking of miracles, what's with Bristol this week? Have they opened a Numbnut factory? It's like a plague of imbecility descended upon the city. I swear, I woke up this morning convinced I'd time-travelled to April Fool's Day.
Okay, okay, I'm being a tad dramatic. Bristol isn't entirely populated by morons. Just a disproportionate share, if my recent posts are anything to go by. However, this week, Bristol seems determined to snatch the gold medal in the "Mindless Moronity" Olympics. And, surprise, surprise, the University of Bristol is once again in the spotlight. I'm starting to suspect they have a secret lab dedicated to cultivating individuals whose continued existence is a disservice to humanity. You know, a secret (Metaphorically speaking, of course. Mostly,) lab where morons are cultivated from uterus scrapings, and allowed to live and breathe among us.
Anyway, enough preamble. Yesterday, we had the meat-free maniacs. Today? We're diving headfirst into the Shakespearean cesspool. So, is it ‘Much Ado about Nothing’ - or, a case of ‘A Midwinter Days Drama’?
Shakespeare's Plays Now Deemed Too Dangerous for Delicate Daisies. Apparently.
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of academia (and caused several fainting couches to require reupholstering) and thespians of the world unite are left aghast, the University of the West of England (UWE), nestled in the heart of Bristol, has slapped a staggering 220 trigger warnings on the complete works of William Shakespeare. Apparently, the Bard's quill was a veritable weapon of mass emotional destruction, leaving a trail of shattered sensibilities in its wake.
Forget iambic pentameter, it's iambic panic meter now, folks! Students are being warned that Macbeth contains "family trauma" (as if regicide wasn't stressful enough), Romeo and Juliet features "suicide" (who knew star-crossed lovers could be so… final?), and The Tempest is rife with "extreme weather" (someone alert Greta Thunberg!). One particularly harrowing production of The Tempest even dared to include… shudders …balloon popping. The psychological scars must be immense.
A spokesperson for UWE, clearly terrified of being accused of insufficient coddling, explained that these warnings were implemented at the behest of students with "sensory processing issues" and "experiences of trauma." One can only imagine the therapy bills. So, why the fck anyone with more than two functioning brain cells would ever sign up for a degree in ‘Drama Studies’ completely beggars belief! Apparently, the mere mention of a bear attack in The Winter’s Tale (a play famous for the line "Exit, pursued by a bear," which, let's face it, is a bit of an understatement) is enough to send sensitive souls into a spiral of existential dread. We fully expect a new, sanitised version of the play where Antigonus is merely chased by a mildly irritated badger with a flashing blue light on its head.
Even the comedies aren't safe! Much Ado About Nothing, a play about witty banter and romantic entanglements, has been flagged for "treatment of women." One can only assume this refers to the shocking practice of… writing female characters.
Toby Young, leader of the Free Speech Union, was reportedly seen clutching his pearls and gasping for air. "If I were a UWE drama student," he declared, "I'd be absolutely thrilled to be treated like a delicate porcelain doll that might shatter at any moment!" (I may have paraphrased slightly).
Meanwhile, the rest of the world grapples with war, the cost of living crisis, and the ever-rising price of toilet paper. But fear not, for UWE has bravely taken on the true existential threat: Shakespeare. Clearly, protecting this generation from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and the occasional balloon pop) is the most pressing issue of our time. We eagerly await the inevitable adaptation of Hamlet, where the prince contemplates not "to be or not to be," but rather "to have a safe space or not to have a safe space." The suspense is killing us... almost as much as a rogue gust of wind might.
So. If you’re perhaps thinking of relocating to this lunatic asylum, city of Bristol, or, bringing your business here, these are my ‘Trigger Warnings’.
Warning: May contain traces of Banksy.
Caution: High levels of smugness detected.
Attention: Expect frequent sightings of middle-class parents cycling with children in cargo bikes.
Advisory: Do not make eye contact with anyone wearing a flat cap." (hipster alert.)
Disclaimer: May cause sudden urges to start a sourdough bakery."
Warning: Prolonged exposure may result in the uncontrollable urge to say 'gert lush'.
Caution: May contain traces of the 'Bristol Pound'.
Advisory: Do not attempt to drive through the city centre during rush hour. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: May cause sudden urges to join the Green Party.
Warning: Prolonged exposure may result in the uncontrollable urge to start a band.