#Bristol Green Party Governance: Urban Planning Chaos & Traffic Nightmare.

Bristol Council Transport Policy | LTN Low Traffic Neighbourhoods | Cycle Lane Infrastructure | Workplace Parking Levy | It's enough to drive anyone to drink. Oh wait, it already has!

(Janet the bollard on Gloucester Road contemplates Bristol’s traffic policy, one glass at a time). janet-bollard-bristol-green-party-traffic-wine-glass.jpg.

When the Green Party took control of Bristol City Council in May 2024 local elections, many residents were cautiously optimistic. Fresh ideas, progressive thinking, environmental consciousness—these seemed reasonable aspirations for the city’s future. Now, looking back into the rear view mirror of life, how have things shaped up to where we are now, do you think?

Painted Roads & Invisible Cycle Lanes.

Cycle lane infrastructure was already controversial. Bright colours everywhere. Bike lanes in various shades, somehow narrower than before. Yellow zigzags serving no purpose. Red sections that might mean something—or just be decorative.

The city’s cycle lanes became notorious for being “invisible”—difficult to distinguish from pavements. The lack of clear markings has been a long-running problem, with paint maintenance consistently failing.

The Greens inherited this mess. Their solution? More paint. Different paint. Red paint at £250,000 for a trial on Bristol Bridge and Old Market Gap. Because clearly what invisible cycle lanes need is simply to be invisible in a different colour.

Meanwhile, creative traffic calming includes green dots on Greville Road in Bedminster. Community-led, they say. Some pointed out green paint causes skidding. But at least it matches party branding.

Low Traffic Neighbourhoods: The East Bristol Experiment.

Then came the East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood scheme. The Greens inherited LTN plans from Labour, saw mounting opposition, and thought: “Yes. This. More of this.”

Their 2024 manifesto pledged to “create low traffic neighbourhoods and complete those already being developed.” They pressed forward enthusiastically—installing final bollards midnight with police support. Nothing says “community consultation” like midnight bollard operations.

What was created is a maze. A simple supermarket trip, previously 5 minutes, now requires 35-minute detours through Bedminster, Southville, Ashton Court, Bower Ashton, and back—if you’ve timed the one-way system correctly.

Delivery drivers gave up. One Argos courier left a parcel in Keynsham and changed careers. Probably selling maps to locals trying to reach their homes.

Green councillor Tony Dyer told the BBC he regrets how the scheme was rolled out. Though notably, not that it was rolled out. Just the “how.” Plans for a second liveable neighbourhood covering Totterdown, Bedminster and Southville are underway per manifesto commitments. Good luck, Totterdown.

The Bollard Invasion.

Bollards everywhere. Rising bollards, fixed bollards, planters that are decorative bollards. Some streets now have more bollards than residents.

Locals named them. “Janet” on Gloucester Road (particularly unforgiving). “The Terminator” on Ashley Down claimed three bumpers and a mobility scooter. Both remain unavailable for comment.

Emergency services were diplomatic: “We are adapting response strategies to accommodate new urban landscape features.” Translation: “We can’t get through.”

An ambulance to one elderly resident had to stop 400 meters away. Paramedics ran. With equipment. Excellent cardiovascular training, possibly not optimal emergency response methodology.

The bollards are creating safer streets. For bollards. The bollards are very safe indeed.

Cycle Lane Economics.

The city now has more cycle lanes than cyclists. Rainy Tuesday: seventeen cycle lanes, three actual cyclists.

One cyclist was in the road because the bike lane was filled with parked cars—parked there because parking spaces were removed for the cycle lane nobody uses because it’s full of parked cars.

It’s circular. Like a very expensive, very confusing roundabout. Made of irony.

The council claims 75 miles of segregated cycleways. Bristol Cycling Campaign calls this “creative accounting.” Many paths lead to bus stops. Some just end. Abruptly. One on Fishponds Road guides you into a wall. Very effective speed reduction.

Ed Plowden, chair of the Transport and Connectivity Committee, speaks enthusiastically about testing red paint approaches. The passion is admirable. Results remain pending. As do the cycle lanes themselves, which remain invisible, just enthusiastically so.

Perhaps the lanes were never meant to make sense. Perhaps they’re performance art. A very expensive, very faded statement.

Historical Context Worth Noting.

To be fair—and fairness is importnt even when traffic is geting frustrating—the citywide 20mph speed limit wasn’t Green policy. That was Liberal Democrat mayor George Ferguson (2014-2015). The Clean Air Zone (£9 non-compliant cars, £100 lorries) was Labour mayor Marvin Rees (2022).

The Greens just inherited these traffic measures and decided they were perfct exactly as they were. Possibly needed more bollards, but otherwise perfect.

The Workplace Parking Levy & Future Plans.

Council tax increased, bin collections decreased. Millions spent on painted roads, potholes unfixed. It’s a priorities thing, apparently.

Letters arrive announcing MORE parking removal for “parklets”—small parks nobody requested. Community gathering spaces exist. They’re called pubs. They’re closing because nobody can drive there and LTNs turned 5-minute journeys into 40-minute expeditions requiring supplies and a compass.

The manifesto pledged to “introduce a Workplace Parking Levy to tackle congestion and fund alternative travel options.” Based on Nottingham’s scheme, this could charge businesses with employee parking spaces. Ed Plowden’s committee approved an outline business case in September 2024.

Consultations continue. Always consultations. Ed Plowden explains enthusiastically about sustainable transport. The vision moves forward at the same speed as traffic through an LTN: slowly, circuitously, leaving many wondering if there wasn’t a more direct route. There was. It’s bollarded now.

Finding Inner Peace.

A doctor on TV said finish what you start for inner peace. Looking around for things started but not finished seemed like sound advice, especially given current transport infrastructure chaos.

So the Merlot got finished. For painted roads. Then Chardonnay. For the LTN labyrinth. Baileys. For all the bollards—so many bollards. Rum. For cycle lanes to nowhere. Tha Valiummmn scriptins. For all the consultashuns. An entire box chocluts. Becuz the parklets are comin.

Yu has no idr how fablus this feels rite now. Inner piss acheeved in Bristol.

Perhps walkin to the shop wud help. Oh wait, it closd. No delivris cud get thru the LTNs. An ther’s a bolard where the shop usd to be. Janet the bolard. Lovely Janet.

Bristol council meetin is open to publc. But yu can’t park within 2 miles of City Hall. They sugest cyclin. On the cycle lane that goes... into the fountin? Down Fishpnds Road into a wal? Both?

Evryone has checkd the cycle routes. We’re all checkin all the time now. That’s what we do in Brizzle. Check where Brizzle cycle lanes actuly go. It’s a hobby. A sad, confusd Brizzle hobby.

The LTN means 47 minuts to drive 3 miles but we’re creatin livbl neibourhoods Brizzle. Brizzle bolards are creatin somthin too. Mostly suspenshun damge an thriving Brizzle bolard-namin industry.

Tony Dyazerpam rgrets how Brizzle East LTN was implementd. But it’s implementd in Brizzle. An ther’s anuther Brizzle liveable neighbourhood comin. To Totrdwn Beminster Southville. Sincer best wishes to Totrdwn from Brizzle.

Ed Plowdun wants test RED paint now on Brizzle cycling infrastructure. £250,000 worth Brizzle cycle lane paint. For Brizzle cycl lanes that nobdy... where was I? Oh yeah, Brizzle.

Brizzle Grin Party didn’t caus all Brizzle problems. They inheritd some Brizzle traffic measures. But they’re enthusiasticlly continuin them per Brizzle Grin manifesto 2024. With mor Brizzle bolards. An Brizzle consultashuns. So many Brizzle consultashuns about Brizzle bolards an Brizzle workplace parking levy an Brizzle LTNs.

See, Brizzle Grins wur s’pposed to be vishionaries with Brizzle transport policy, an I lyke vishunaries cos I av vishun myself. Speshally afer sum lubrikashun, lyke now. An their Brizzle vishun is... is... what was Brizzle Grin Party vishun agan? Brizzle parklets? Brizzle bolards? Brizzle paint yu can’t see? Brizzle workplace parking levy? Mor Brizzle bolards? Tony Dyerazepam probably knows. Does he tho?

That’s vishunary Brizzle policy from the Grin Party. Defintly vishunary Brizzle. Very... very vishunary for Brizzle. The Grins are vishunary.

An Janet the Brizzle bolard says hi from Gloucester Road Brizzle. She’s not goin ennywear from Brizzle. None of Brizzle bolards are goin anyware from Brizzle streets. That’s the hole point of Brizzle bolards in Brizzle LTNs.

The Brizzle vishun continews. S-l-o-w-l-y. At Brizzle 20mph. Thru Brizzle LTN. Past Brizzle parklet. Round Brizzle bolard. Round anuther Brizzle bolard. Past Janet on Gloucester Road Brizzle.

Along Brizzle cycle lane that just... stops in Brizzle citty centre.

Just... gret Brizzle zzzzzzzzzz

Satire. Most chaos predates May 2024. Janet remains non-partisan.