#Bristol - Is DIY Dentistry the Gnash-ional Health Service's Future?
Wow, this is twice in one day I find myself indebted to the 'Bristol Post' for more material. Aren't they lucky!
While trying not to become the Anti-Christ of the local rag’s exquisite (and far more professional than mine, journalism) You know, real journalism, sometimes the urge simply overtakes me, and before I know it, any chance of giving my mind at least some hope of a day off falls quicker than Pompei in an Earthquake.
So, here you have it. The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. Or, at least my version anyway.
“Desperate" scenes, screamed the Bristol Post headline, as over 100 souls queued for a chance at an NHS dentist appointment. One can almost picture the huddled masses, gnashing their teeth (or rather, the stumps thereof), brandishing rusty pliers and begging for a glimpse of a qualified professional. Was this for real, or just another example of NHS truth decay? This, dear readers, begs the question: is the future of dentistry less about drills and fillings, and more about DIY and daring?
Let's face it, booking an NHS dentist appointment is akin to winning the lottery, except instead of a life-changing sum of money, you get a life-changing root canal. The waiting lists are longer than a boa constrictor’s digestive tract after a particularly large meal, and the phone lines are perpetually engaged, presumably by a lone operator desperately trying to fend off the dental deluge while trying desperately to book their own appointment before the planet becomes depleted of amalgam, and foreign dentists in such far-flung places as the Pitcairn Island’s ‘Point Nemo’ begin rubbing their hands with the prospect of ‘dental tourism’ becoming the next best thing.
So, what are the alternatives? Well, there's always private dentistry, but that's a route only accessible to the landed gentry and those who’ve recently discovered a forgotten stash of cryptocurrency. For the rest of us, it's a choice between gritting our teeth (literally) and embracing the burgeoning world of home dentistry.
DIY Dentistry: The Pros
No Waiting List: Forget queuing in the rain, clutching a crumpled piece of paper with your name on it. With DIY dentistry, the only queue you’ll encounter is the one at the DIY store for a decent pair of pliers followed by a trip to A&E.
Cost-Effective: Think about it: one-time purchase of pliers versus a lifetime of extortionate dental bills. It’s an investment in your future (or at least, the future of your increasingly gappy smile).
Personalised Treatment: You’re in control! Feel like yanking out that wobbly molar with a bit of string tied to a doorknob? Go for it! No more anally retentive dentists telling you what you can and can’t do with your own teeth.
Pain Management: Who needs local anaesthetic when you have a stiff upper lip and a bottle of something strong? Embrace the pain! It builds character! (Or possibly just a severe infection).
DIY Dentistry: The Cons
Risk of Infection: Sterilising your pliers by running them under the hot tap might not be quite as effective as the rigorous hygiene standards of a dental surgery. Expect a higher chance of your gums resembling a particularly angry volcano.
Potential for Complications: What could possibly go wrong with untrained individuals wielding sharp implements in their mouths? Well, quite a lot, actually. Nerve damage, excessive bleeding, accidental removal of the wrong tooth, pulling your entire tongue out by mistake, finding that you do have tonsils after all when extracted… the list goes on.
Social Stigma: While a gappy grin might have a certain charm in some circles (pirates, for example), it might not be ideal for that upcoming job interview or first date.
The Yikes Factor: Let's be honest, pulling your own teeth out is a bit… yikes!
NHS Dentistry: The Pros
Qualified Professionals: Dentists actually know what they’re doing (most of the time). They have years of training and fancy equipment. This is generally considered a good thing in dentistry nowadays.
Proper Pain Management: Local anaesthetic is a beautiful thing. It allows you to endure dental procedures without screaming the house down or killing your pet in a fit of temporary diminished responsibility.
Lower Risk of Complications: While dental procedures always carry some risk, it’s significantly lower in the hands of a trained professional.
Less Yikes Factor: Let someone else do the yanking.
NHS Dentistry: The Cons
The Waiting List: It’s the elephant in the (dentist’s) room. Or, more accurately, the lack of an elephant in the room because it’s still waiting for its appointment like the rest of us.
The Difficulty of Booking: Getting an appointment is a Herculean task, requiring the patience of a saint and the persistence of a particularly determined badger to avoid ending up either as roadkill or the meat dish on a cattle farmer’s barbecue, and coated in a delicious organic, fair trade, red wine sauce. Mmmm! However, much to my surprise, there are absolutely no recommendations for such naturally sourced, and ‘ethical’ cuisine on the P.E.T.A. website.
The Occasional Feeling of Being Rushed: When you finally get an appointment. You arrive at the clinic, your appointment a mere 18 months overdue. The waiting room is a blur of anxious faces, outdated magazines, and teeth falling out, all over the floor. Finally, your name is called! You're whisked into a dental chair, the dentist a whirlwind of efficiency. "Open wide!" they exclaim, wielding a drill like a Formula One mechanic changing a tyre. In mere minutes, you're ejected with a "Next!" echoing behind you. Your teeth may feel the same, but hey, you're finally off the list for another twenty years!
So, there you have it. The pros and cons of DIY versus NHS dentistry. The choice, dear readers, is yours. Just remember, if you do decide to go the DIY route, please film it. It’ll make great content for the Bristol Post's next headline: "Local Man Removes Wisdom Tooth with Spork, Becomes Internet Sensation (and Develops Sepsis)."