#Bristol - The 'Gurt Lush' NHS: How The City's Green Council Could Fix Healthcare with Humour, E-Bikes & LTNs.
From a Costa Ward to a 'Cheers Drive' Triage, Bristol blogger 'The Almighty Gob' imagines the future of the Bristol Royal Infirmary—complete with Banksy Gowns.
You know, there are certain days when a headline hits you so hard you have to read it twice? Well, today was one of those days. I had to check that my prior sedative delirium hadn't taken me forward or backward to April Fools Day, and that I hadn't missed seven months of my life, when I read that a Kent hospital had commandeered its in-house Costa coffee franchise to accommodate patients.
Although the situation is grim, my mind has a habit of wandering down darker, more absurd pathways. I tried to resist the pull, but my weaker self eventually gave in, and my thoughts drifted to the unsettling question: "What if this were Bristol?"
I imagined the scene at the Bristol Royal Infirmary, a tableau of patients clutching cardboard placards with wry, darkly humorous messages:
'Migrants Are Treated Quicker Than This'
'I Blame This on Climate Change'
'Are You My Friend, Or My Enema?'
'My Hip's More Broken Than the Bearpit'
'My Wait Time Is Longer Than the M32'
'Is This The Result Of The Costa Living Crisis?'
Amid the chaos, as patient beds are wheeled into the all-new 'Costa Ward,' the hospital's directors descend from a board meeting to announce how this revolutionary new system will work.
The "Queue and Brew" System is now a "Cheers Drive" System.
The automated ticket machine now greets patients with a Bristolian accent, announcing "Alright, my lover, now serving 'Minor Lacerations' to the triage counter, cheers drive!" Major emergencies are fast-tracked, but only if they arrive by bicycle. A paramedic on a bike-powered ambulance is always on call, as a "green" alternative to sirens.
A "Floating" Ward on the Harbour.
For patients needing longer-term care, the hospital has partnered with the Bristol Ferry Boats. Non-critical patients are now being treated on repurposed water taxis, gently cruising the harbour. The doctor makes their rounds by paddleboard, and the "ward rounds" are now "harbour rounds," with nurses shouting medical instructions across the water to each other. The smell of fresh sea air, combined with the occasional waft of fish and chips, is said to be "part of the holistic healing process," as are visiting tourists, waving enthusiastically as they sail past on the ‘Brigantia.’
The Banksy-fication of Medical Attire.
Patients are no longer given plain hospital gowns. Instead, they are issued with "Banksy Gowns" - plain white sheets with a newly stencilled, one-off piece of satirical street art on the back. The art changes daily, with popular pieces including "A Nurse with a Trolley of Gold," and a depiction of the iconic "Well hung lover" from Park Street with his leg in plaster. The most popular designs could be "worth a fortune" and highly sought after by art collectors.
The "Gromit's Gurt Lush Gut-Buster" Menu.
The cafe menu is now a celebration of Bristolian food and drink. The "Cardiac Arrest Cappuccino" has been replaced by the "Cider-Based-Cardiac-Stunner," a warm, strong cider served with a small piece of defibrillator equipment on the side. The "Broken Bone Baguette" has been upgraded to a "Gurt Lush Sourdough" which, if broken correctly, is said to "heal faster than a snapped limb." Wallace and Gromit-themed cakes are also available, and for a small extra charge, a patient can have a "Wrong Trousers" themed medical procedure, where they receive their medication via a pair of remote-controlled trousers.
The Green Council’s Eco-Medical Service.
In a bid to reduce the city’s carbon footprint, the Green Council has introduced a new fleet of medical vehicles. Patient transport is now handled by specially-adapted e-bikes and scooters, which are used to navigate the newly-established Low Traffic Neighbourhoods (LTNs). The most critically ill patients receive a fast-track pass through the LTNs, while those with minor ailments are subjected to the standard one-way system, adding several miles—and hours—to their journey. The new "eco-ambulances" are staffed by a team of "Eco-Medics" who, instead of sirens, play a calming, pre-recorded message about the importance of sustainable transport. This new service is said to "align the NHS with Bristol's climate goals," although critics point out that it's difficult to attach a life-support machine to a Voi scooter.
And so, as other cities are left to ponder the future of their own NHS, Bristol will lead the way by providing good old Bristol humour as a new form of therapy. This will prove to be so effective in managing pain that even patients on their last legs will replace their suffering with laughter, to the point where even those in the morgue can be seen with a lasting smile on their faces.
In a world where healthcare headlines are grim, Bristol has once again proved itself a unique outlier. My satirical vision for the NHS, born from a bizarre Costa ward story, offers a 'Gurt Lush' glimpse into a potential future. From 'Cheers Drive' triage to 'Banksy Gowns' and e-bikes in our Low Traffic Neighbourhoods, this audacious plan addresses hospital capacity with trademark Bristol humour. As the city grapples with current affairs and ‘Bristol Live’ news about its Green Council and traffic woes, my proposal suggests a truly local, unconventional, and perhaps even hopeful solution to the crisis. It's an absurdist's dream, but in Bristol, it might just be the medicine the city needs.