#Bristol: The Sloth's Guide to Public Service. Part One - 'The Trilogy Of Tedium.'

The Unbearable Slowness of Bristol: When a Bureaucracy Takes 39 Months to Answer a 20-Day Question Due to A 'Complete Lack Of Interest' Policy.

Bristol, a city famed for its innovation and vibrant community, is also home to a local government that has perfected a new art form: civic procrastination. For anyone who has ever filed a Freedom of Information (FOI) request with Bristol City Council, their new strategic approach can be summed up in one word: sloth. This systemic local government failure is a key component of a series of emerging Bristol scandals.

In its glorious wisdom, the council was recently handed an enforcement notice by the data watchdog for a backlog of 158 overdue FOI requests. The rules say these must be answered within 20 working days. The council, however, had its own, more philosophical timeline: 39 months. This is a testament to an organisation so committed to its visual identity that it simply cannot be rushed.

Of course, the FOI backlog isn't about laziness. It's about a deep, artistic dedication to civic aesthetics and public services. The 158 unanswered requests aren't a failing; they're a testament to a local government so committed to Bristol's visual identity that it simply cannot be rushed.

The Fine Art of Civic Procrastination.

Why so slow, one may rightly ask? Well, it takes a tremendous amount of time when you're busy, working your way through what must seem like an endless array of colour choices to find the next most fashionable shade on the charts that will align with the next great thing in road markings.

Imagine the painstaking process:

• The Crayon-Box Committee: A cross-departmental team, convened at great expense, to debate the current colour palette of the city. Forget spreadsheets and action plans; this is about emotional resonance. Is "Bristol Blue" too melancholic for a new cycle path? Should the "Veridian Green" of a public bench be more assertive, or soothing?

• Harmonising the Hues: Each new road marking, public bench, or bin must be meticulously coordinated. The 39-month timeline isn't for answering questions; it's for ensuring that the newly painted double yellow lines don't clash with the sunset over the Clifton Suspension Bridge.

• Future-Proofing the Pigment: The team must also predict future trends. What if "Neon Safety Orange" becomes a faux pas in two years? The council is not just working on the city of today, but the city of tomorrow, and that kind of forward-thinking takes time.

So, when the judge dismissed the council's appeal, he didn't understand the full picture. The council's delay isn't a legal trick; it's a creative statement. The next time you see a freshly painted bus lane or a new sign, you'll know that somewhere, an FOI request is being delayed for the sake of true civic beauty. And isn't that worth the wait?

A Matter of Poop and Pondering.

Of course, and quite naturally, had anyone submitted an FOI request on the subject of either public highway colours or dog poop bins they would doubtless have received a response within 24 hours, as it would have been marked 'Priority'. After all, let's not forget that 'Green' is the preferred colour, as voted in by those who failed the overall colour chart test at the previous election, were of Irish descent, or just simply 'Green' as in, well, you know, not quite the full shilling. This is a crucial point, as has now come to light given this council's adoption of certain policies that other councils, both here and abroad, have abandoned as simply 'unworkable'.

And, speaking of things that are more than slightly 'barking,' there's this. Would dog poop bins appeal more to errant pooch owners in a fluorescent pink for small yappy dogs, or perhaps, something of a more masculine colour for any breed with 'bull' in its pedigree?

This, too, is a matter for the council’s boundless wisdom. They're likely spending the next three years analysing this very data. They’re probably conducting focus groups with various dog walkers, holding design charrettes, and commissioning a highly-paid consultant to write a 300-page report on "Canine Waste Receptacle Aesthetics and Owner Behavioural Incentivisation."

The Unworkable Leap of Faith.

And so, we arrive at the final, truly brilliant piece of this puzzle. The reason, of course, that the council has found itself with a 39-month backlog of unanswered questions has nothing to do with sloth and everything to do with a more pressing, and far more spectacular, matter.

It's safe to imagine that all available staff have been moved to a "special" department to deal with the inevitable, and frankly quite rude, flood of FOI requests from disgruntled council tax payers. These are, no doubt, about being railroaded into a fantastical energy scheme when British Gas and other providers were doing just fine, thank you very much. This, of course, is the "Bristol Leap (of Faith)" fiasco—the latest episode in a long-running, and critically acclaimed, series of civic blunders.

But let's not forget far less important matters, and possibly a new slew of FOI requests asking where the police precept of the council budget is going. You know, like what's happening NOW! Such small and irrelevant matters, such as the recent 'Stabbing in Castle Park,' or investigating why two-thirds of those arrested at Bristol anti-immigration riots were involved in domestic abuse reports, and how to address this. Or even, putting resources into the 'Caravan torched in Clifton Down arson attack'? These community safety issues, you see, are simply not part of the council’s grand vision. They lack the artistic flair and multi-billion-pound ambition of a truly transformative project.

You would think that after previous, failed attempts to muscle in on energy supplies and other public services, they would have learned their lesson. But no. The council already went "the whole hog," to quote a report from The Bristol Cable, becoming a fully licensed energy supplier with Bristol Energy, a venture that led to multi-million pound losses. The same report, titled "Analysis: How £35 million of public funds was 'lost' to Bristol Energy," notes that only two local authorities, Bristol and Nottingham, were so imprudent, suggesting that other councils had indeed been far more sensible.

This continued pattern of local government failure is a key concern for every taxpayer. You would think they would have stuck to doing what they also repeatedly fail at, like, you know, running a council. Yet, they push on.

And so, as the council spokesperson tells us they will "continue to work towards addressing" the backlog, we can rest assured they are busy doing something far more important. The next time you see a new bus lane or a freshly painted sign, you'll know that somewhere, a perfectly reasonable FOI request is being delayed for the sake of a truly breathtaking failure of public policy. And isn't that worth the wait?