#Bristol: The UK's Undisputed Capital of Perpetual Protest (and "Frankenchickens").
Why Bristol Needs a Kidult Protest Playpen.
Well, would you Adam and Eve it? No sooner am I back from the peace and quiet of those Lancashire suburbs, far away from Bristol's fetishisation for any protest (as long as it's a protest), than within days there are, guess what? Yes, another spate of protests. You'd win the star prize of an all-expenses-paid return trip to the Holiday Inn Gaza, if there were one, of course. This city, bless its cotton socks, is determined to be number one of the number two's in the adult nappy-wearing, emotionally incontinent league UK.
Ashton Gate: From Sports Arena to Outrage Arena.
Speaking of which, or, as near as dammit, the adult nappy-wearing kidults of Bristol are at it again. Their initial outpouring of emotional incontinence focused on the city's Ashton Gate stadium. It seems the hallowed grounds, usually reserved for the roar of rugby and football crowds, were repurposed as a stage for Bristol's perpetually aggrieved. Reports indicated the "direct action" involved a demonstration against a defence expo or similar event. Apparently, the sight of companies involved in defence, even if they're also major employers and innovators, is enough to trigger a collective meltdown.
Being like buses, where you wait for one and three come along, no sooner had one pro-Palestine group been banned (admittedly for nefarious reasons) than another, unlike (we hope) Palestine Action, popped up. Because any title with the word 'Palestine' in it nowadays is kind of hip, cool, and trendy and makes any member feel extra special about themselves, and they just LOVE the attention, don't they!
While those on the outside were enjoying their day out, absolutely loving the sound of their own voices and displaying numerous banners and placards that would make absolutely sod all difference to those on the inside, those on the inside were enjoying an equally pleasant day out discussing such unimportant matters as security and defence at the annual Defence, Simulation, Education and Training conference. One can only imagine the heady discussions inside: "So, Nigel," one defence contractor might have mused, "this bad boy can identify a rogue hummus recipe from three clicks away." Meanwhile, outside, a spirited chant of "Free, Free, Palestine!" punctuated by the occasional mispronounced Arabic phrase filled the air. The irony, naturally, was lost on everyone involved.
Frankenchicken Fury: The KFC Kerfuffle.
Bored yet? I am! In a completely unrelated incident, if this doesn't send you off to sleep, nothing will. Another group descended, also south of the city, and it wasn't 'finger lickin' good,' as an animal rights protest blockaded a South Bristol KFC over what's described as 'Frankenchickens.' Personally, I LOVE a Frankenchicken, don't you? The bigger, the juicier, the… well, you get the picture.
Apparently, the activists, from an organisation called The Humane League (NO fools, not the 'Don't You Want Me Baby' songsters! They were The Human League. No, this bunch of weepy individuals), decided it would be a good idea to inconvenience the late, great Colonel Sanders' customers by blockading the premises. As the Bristol Post reports, an animal welfare charity has blockaded one of Bristol’s branches of KFC in a protest about the fast-food chain’s use of fast-growing, so-called 'Frankenchickens.'
The scene at the Winterstoke Road KFC, conveniently located next to Ashton Gate, was described as a carnival of righteous indignation. Protesters donned chicken costumes, some even smeared with fake blood. A 'diabolical' Colonel Sanders character also made an appearance, no doubt striking fear into the hearts of hungry drive-thru patrons. While these brave souls were chanting slogans about a "roadmap for change" and an alleged abandonment of a "Better Chicken Commitment" by KFC (who, to their credit, claim they're still committed, just not on the original timeline, because, you know, reasons), I can only imagine the thoughts of the poor souls stuck in the drive-thru queue. "Just run the hippies over!" one frustrated motorist was reportedly heard shouting.
The City Hall Trifecta: Bristol's Protest Hat Trick.
Now, if all of that wasn't enough to put potential tourists off from Bristol for the next decade, or longer, I can report on yet another, and final protest of yet another bunch of adult nappy-wearing individuals. Because, yet again, as the journos at the Bristol Post reported on Tuesday, July 8th, "Protesters outside City Hall as multiple demos clash - live updates." It seems like it's the 'hat trick' to me!
Indeed, three different protests took place outside City Hall that day. Protesters campaigning against Bristol Airport's expansion, the ongoing saga of caravans on the Downs, and the government’s planned welfare cuts were all expected to gather on College Green ahead of a Bristol City Council meeting.
First, the Bristol Airport Action Network (BAAN), a coalition of environmentalists and North Somerset residents, marched in red costumes and high-vis jackets with placards designed to look like air traffic control signs. They were there to back a motion put forward by the ruling Green Party (yes, them!) to formally oppose the airport expansion.
Second, a petition calling on the council to take stronger action against caravan and van dwellers on the Downs was being debated after receiving over 6,000 signatures. This issue, championed by the newly-formed residents' campaign group, Protect the Downs, has been "ramping up in recent months." The council estimates around 680 people live in vans or caravans around the city, with fewer than 100 of those on the Downs – clearly enough to warrant a full-blown protest and petition debate.
And finally, completing this glorious hat trick, the formidable Bristol Crips Against Cuts made their presence felt. This grassroots, disabled-led pressure group, were there to voice their opposition to the government’s planned welfare cuts. Their message, no doubt, was clear and impactful, adding a serious and sobering note to the otherwise almost farcical proceedings. It's a testament to Bristol's diverse activist landscape that such varied concerns can all converge on a single patch of grass, all vying for attention, all convinced their particular brand of protest is the most critical.
So, while councillors inside debated the fate of an airport, the housing of van dwellers, and the impact of national welfare policies, outside, Bristol truly put on a show. A multi-faceted, emotionally charged spectacle that, for better or worse, firmly cements its reputation as the UK's undisputed heavyweight champion of adult-nappy-wearing, emotionally incontinent activism.
The Ultimate Solution: The Kidult Playpen.
In light of Bristol's unyielding commitment to public displays of emotional incontinence, I have a modest proposal. Instead of allowing these disparate, adult nappy-wearing brigades to clog our streets and baffle our tourists, I suggest the Bristol City Council seek emergency funding to construct a giant, purpose-built kidult playpen. Imagine it: a state-of-the-art facility, perhaps on the outskirts of the city (for obvious reasons of noise pollution and general aesthetic preservation), where all of the city's self-appointed saviours can go and vent their frustrations in a controlled, contained environment.
The bookings, I'm sure, would be immense, booked months in advance by groups eager to finally have an unobstructed platform for their myriad grievances. Just think of all the fun these individuals could have! I can already visualise themed days: "Frankenchicken Friday," where protestors in oversized poultry costumes can joust with pugil sticks (remember that hit ITV Saturday evening show Gladiators? With opposing moans fighting it out while balancing above a safety net? Pure genius!) against "Diabolical Colonels." Or perhaps "Airport Expansion Agitation Alley," featuring a giant inflatable runway where BAAN members can stage symbolic sit-ins without actually delaying any flights. The van dwellers could have their own designated "Downs Dispute Zone," complete with simulated speed bumps and a dedicated team of "concerned residents" to tut loudly at their parking choices.
I'd buy a ticket for that, wouldn't you? It's a win-win: the protestors get their much-needed catharsis and a dedicated audience (even if it's just each other), and the rest of Bristol can finally enjoy its organic oat lattes and vibrant street art without the persistent backdrop of righteous indignation. A harmonious solution, surely, for the UK's most gloriously, maddeningly, and perpetually protesting city.
