#Bristol Transport: It's Not Broken, So They're Fixing It Anyway!

'Super Ed' - The man with the Midas touch for traffic disruption is back with a vision so bold, it's almost unbelievable. Will this be the one that doesn't end in a multi-million-pound facepalm?

(Image: Bristol City Council)

Right you are, me hearty! So, the clowns down at the Council, bless their cotton socks, have scooped up another gong for their traffic chaos capers, eh? The 'Bristol Post' has dropped some CGIs of their latest bright idea for the city centre roads, and it's got folks reaching for the emergency stress-relief already, know what I mean?

Apparently, they're chucking in new bus lanes and bike lanes to try and sort out the gridlock and dodgy air. It's like that saying, innit? "If at first you don't succeed, cock it up again." Or something like that. The transport gurus at Bristol City Council are crossing their fingers that fewer people will drive, and more will hop on a bus, leg it, or pedal. But first, they need to "upgrade infrastructure," which usually means more roadworks, doesn't it?

The suits on the transport policy committee are meant to rubber-stamp the next stage of this carry-on on Thursday, May 15th, even though some are already spitting feathers about it. And just before the big pow-wow, they've released some shiny new pictures and details of the grand plan.

Then there's our mate, Green Councillor Ed Plowden, the chair of the transport committee. You know him, right? The one with the gold-plated certificate in LTN disasters. The very bloke whose council chucked up to six million quid at a scheme, and I’m thinking Lawrence Hill as an example, that's flopped faster than a pancake in Exeter and other similar basket cases up and down the country. Yes, that Ed Plowden! Mister, “I can prove things will work where others have failed, because I’m ‘Super Ed.”

Ed Plowden, the living embodiment of "you couldn't make it up if you tried!" The very mention of his name probably has traffic cones spontaneously rearranging themselves in protest. You just know that if there were a competition for the most head-scratching traffic interventions, he'd be a gold medallist, wouldn't he? It's like he's got a personal vendetta against vehicles!

Councillor Plowden's transport vision seems rather two-wheel-centric. So, commiserations to tricyclists – apparently, you're in the same boat as car drivers in this grand scheme. Anyone navigating Bristol's roads on anything other than two wheels probably already has a knowing sigh and a resigned shake of the head down to a fine art. It seems to be a two-wheeled world in his plans!

It's like he's on a personal quest to find new and innovative ways to baffle Bristol's commuters. After the LTN escapades, it's as if he thought, "Challenge accepted! How can we top that level of, shall we say, 'creative' traffic management?" And then, bingo! The grand plan to transform Bristol city centre into a magnificent, multi-million-pound white elephant was born. A stroke of genius, or a stroke of something, anyway. You've got to admire his dedication to... well, something!

Well, I do believe I’ve hit the nail squarely on the head! It's that small-town mentality applied to a big city's problems, and it's a recipe for, well, this. It's almost as if they're actively trying to hand over Bristol's economic heart on a silver platter to Cribbs Causeway. "Why bother with the complexities of a thriving city centre," they seem to be saying, "when we can just push everyone out to South Gloucester territory?"

It's a bold strategy, to say the least. "Let's make Bristol so inconvenient that everyone flocks to South Gloucestershire!" It's a kind of reverse-tourism, if you will. And, who needs the charm and character of a city centre when you can have ample parking, leisure and retail shopping elsewhere? What could possibly go wrong, indeed? It's a masterclass in economic planning, or something like that. You know, like somewhere along the way, there was an acid trip, out of which there came a slightly offbeat vision of a Utopian type Broadmead of the future that seemed kind of okay in the hallucination, but wouldn’t deliver in actualisation?

Meanwhile, also at our beloved Council House, a bit of spring decorating is in the air. Or, at least the talk of it. Yes, the never-ending saga of Bristol's roads! First, we had the dazzling rainbow crossings, and now, hold onto your helmets, folks, the council is apparently dusting off the leftover paint for a new grand scheme. Yes, you guessed it, bike lanes are about to get a vibrant makeover in a bid to curb those inconvenient accidents.

According to the esteemed Bristol Post, what with many existing cycle paths blending a little too seamlessly with the pavements – a veritable camouflage for the colour blind, one might surmise – the bright sparks at the council have had a brainwave. Borrowing a leaf from our European neighbours, they reckon a splash of vivid colour might just prompt pedestrians to think twice before wandering into the path of a two-wheeled speed machine. Red, no less, is the chosen hue for this "conflict reduction" trial, a proposal that has apparently garnered the thumbs-up from both cyclists and walkers. Should this colourful experiment prove a hit, expect to see more of Bristol's cycleways sporting this bold new look. The transport policy committee councillors are poised to give it the green light on Thursday, May 15.

One astute observer, Antionetta, opines that this is a welcome move to protect pedestrians from those "speeding cycles," something she's apparently never witnessed anything quite so perilous as. Meanwhile, Phil McAvity (presumably, a distant cousin of Ben Dover) casts a more cynical eye, predicting that "cyclists will still ignore it and cycle on the pavement, roads, grass anywhere they like with little thought of anyone else." Gazzer19 chimes in with a plea for "re-education" regarding red traffic lights, a phenomenon he claims is a constant occurrence in Hotwells.

Doudtingthomas, ever the sceptic, believes that painting bike lanes won't actually "reduce conflict" and historically never has. Instead, he suggests it will breed a "dangerous sense of entitlement", leading to division. He also posits that impaired sight or hearing is often "self-inflicted" due to mobile phone preoccupation. Rrrriiigggghhhhtttt offers a more balanced perspective, noting the predisposition of some to be angry at cyclists regardless. He astutely points out that being a motorist and a cyclist aren't mutually exclusive and that generalisations about cyclists jumping red lights are often exaggerated. He even jokes about having more "run-ins" with fellow cyclists than motorists, quipping about the appearance of the latter and their potential lack of cycling experience.

Ron Young dryly remarks that this initiative is "decades overdue," adding that "there is very little Bristol City Council does in a hurry." 6470 questions the efficacy of painted lanes, suggesting cyclists will still opt for "a quicker way over some grass or on a pedestrian walkway." He echoes Gazzer19's sentiment about red light jumping and laments the council's signs in his local park asking cyclists to slow down as another "waste of money," suggesting cyclists should simply dismount in parks. Kolina sarcastically wonders if the money might be better spent on the city's homeless, suggesting drawing around them as they sleep. At last, a more sensible suggestion! Another great idea that’ll fall on deaf ears.

BristolG injects some stark statistics into the debate, stating that "cars cause 5 deaths a day on average" while "cyclists cause fewer deaths on UK roads than people being killed by cows per year." He urges a focus on the "irresponsible actions" causing harm and questions the "acceptance" of car-related deaths. Muttsnuts dismisses the painting plan as a waste of money, given that "millions on cycle lanes that are largely unused" and the supposed fact that "most cyclists are colour-blind." He suggests investing in something "useful." Hear, hear!

Finally, Lionville suggests cyclists should simply "get on the road if the pavements are full of pedestrians," claiming Bristol has more pavement cyclists than even London. Now, my solution offers a series of darkly humorous alternatives to red paint, including "pictures of dead cyclists lying in the road," "a number of deep-looking potholes, Banksy style," or, for a true Bristol touch, bollards every metre or two. Although my ultimate suggestion? Painting the head of former Mayor Marvin the Marvellous, though more than likely, people might deliberately run over them. Just saying.

So there you have it, another colourful chapter in Bristol's transport planning. Let's see if this red tide actually manages to stem the flow of pedestrian-cyclist conflict, or if it simply adds another vibrant hue to the city's already eclectic streetscape.