#Bristol: Where History Gets Demolished, and Protests Get Lit!
Bath? That's for your grandma. Bristol? That's for your existential crisis.
Now, if you haven’t already bought and thumbed your way through my almost award-winning prize book on Amazon/Kindle (do your own research), you’ll not be aware of my previous incarnation experience of owning an advertising and marketing agency some years back in Brighton’s dim and distant. Decades later, it became useful in promoting me globally to an entirely different audience of some ten million avid viewers from nothing.
Anyway, having not entirely lost my touch in being someone who lends a hand where it’s badly needed, I gave thought to this: my home city of Bristol. Having spent several days in recovery, I’ve now somewhat reluctantly, once again, put my previous experience to hopefully good use in masterminding what I believe is the perfect new advertising campaign to put Bristol back on the global tourism map. Please bear with me, as this is quite a thorough, detailed and entirely satirical presentation.
Our Mission: To convince the world that Bristol is the only destination for the discerning traveller who values chaos, concrete, and the lingering scent of vanished attractions.
Option A: Our Slogan: "Bristol: It's Not Bath. At All."
Slide 1: Embrace the Absurdity.
Title: "Bristol: Where History is Optional (and Demolition is Mandatory!)"
Subtitle: "Forget Roman Baths, We've Got... Well, We're Working on It."
Image: A blurry photo of a construction site superimposed with a local seagull wearing a tiny hard hat.
Slide 2: The Zoo That Wasn't.
Title: "Remember Our Zoo? We Barely Do!"
Bullet Points:
"Experience the thrill of remembering where the zoo used to be!"
"Imagine the exotic animals that might have been there!"
"We offer a guided tour of the empty space, where you can feel the ghost of a giraffe."
Image: A faded, pixelated picture of a fence with a thought bubble containing a question mark.
Option B: The "Urban Archeology" Experience (Featuring the Zoo That Isn't)
TV Spot: A montage of previously filmed dramatic demolition footage, interspersed with blurry clips of past protests and a single, forlorn-looking badger (representing the "spirit" of the long-gone zoo). Voiceover: "Witness the breathtaking spectacle of urban renewal! See where history used to be! Explore the ghost of the Bristol Zoo, where memories echo through the empty enclosures... and maybe you'll catch a glimpse of the legendary spectral badger!"
Print Ads: High-contrast, gritty photos of the future construction site, with taglines like, "Unearth the past by watching it disappear!" and "Bristol Zoo: We've freed the animals... into the collective unconscious!"
Social Media: #BristolDemolitionDiaries, #SpectralBadgerSightings, #UrbanArcheologyAdventures. Influencer partnerships with demolition experts and urban explorers.
Next.
Option A: Protest Paradise.
Title: "Bristol: Your Daily Dose of Democracy (and Megaphones!)"
Bullet Points:
"Witness the raw, untamed energy of our vibrant protest scene!"
"Choose your cause: Climate change? Pavement art? The correct way to brew tea?"
"Get your voice heard (or at least, loudly yelled)!"
Image: A montage of blurry protest photos, with a speech bubble saying, "What are we protesting again?"
Option B: The "Protest Pilgrimage"
"Authentic Protest Experience" Packages: Choose your cause! From "Climate Chaos Clash" to "Artistic Anarchy Afternoon," we'll provide you with pre-written placards, biodegradable glitter bombs, and a certified protest chaperone.
"Protest Selfie Zones": Iconic locations where past protests occurred, now marked with commemorative plaques and selfie stands.
"Bristol's Voice" Podcast: Interviews with professional protesters, chronicling their most memorable chants and confrontations.
Slogan: "Bristol: Where your voice is heard... probably through a megaphone."
TV Spot: A highly edited montage of protests, where every person there looks like they are having a great time. Voiceover: "Bristol is the place where you can express yourself! We have a protest for every mood! Come join us!"
Next: The Green Dream... Or Nightmare?)
Option A: Title: "Our Council: So Green, They're Practically Invisible!"
Bullet Points:
"Experience the cutting edge of... well, bureaucracy!"
"Our innovative recycling policies mean that everything is recycled, even your expectations."
"Enjoy the thrill of wondering if the potholes are 'eco-friendly' features."
Image: A picture of a pothole filled with moss, with the caption, "Biodiversity Hotspot."
Option B: The "Green Council Catastrophe Tour"
Guided Bus Tours: "Experience the cutting-edge of municipal mismanagement! Witness the innovative pothole avoidance system! Marvel at the avant-garde traffic flow solutions! (Disclaimer: Please wear helmets. And bring snacks. It might take a while.)"
Interactive App: "Rate My Pothole!" Users can photograph and rate potholes, contributing to a live, crowd-sourced map of Bristol's infrastructure challenges.
Merchandise: "I Survived Bristol's Traffic" t-shirts, "Green Council Bingo" cards, and miniature, un-repaired potholes as souvenirs.
Slogan: "Bristol: Where 'Green' means 'Good luck finding parking.'"
Next: City Centre: A Blank Canvas.
Option A: Title: "Demolition Derby: Bristol Edition!"
Bullet Points:
"Witness the breathtaking transformation of our city centre into... something else!"
"Experience the authentic sound of jackhammers and the sight of falling concrete!"
"Future attractions include: A giant car park? A multi-story roundabout? The possibilities are endless!"
Image: A "before and during" photo, with "before" being a historic building and "during" being a pile of rubble.
Option B: The "City Centre: Under Construction" Festival
Giant Crane Light Show: A mesmerising display of construction equipment illuminated by lasers and accompanied by industrial techno music.
"Hard Hat Happy Hour": Pop-up bars in construction zones, serving "concrete cocktails" and "demolition daiquiris."
"Build Your Own Bristol" LEGO Competition: Participants create their own visions of the city's future (or its chaotic present).
Slogan: "Bristol: Always under construction. Always exciting!"
Social Media: Competitions for the best construction site photo. Live streams of demolition.
Overall Tone:
Relentlessly ironic and self-deprecating.
Emphasises the "authenticity" of Bristol's chaos.
Positions Bristol as the anti-Bath, the rebel city for the modern traveller.
"Bristol: Come for the chaos, stay for the… well, the chaos."
Next: “Authentic" Experiences
(Slide: "Urban Safari")
Title: "The Bristol Urban Safari: Pigeons, Seagulls, and the Occasional Lost Tourist!"
Bullet Points:
"Explore the wild, untamed streets of Bristol!"
"Spot the elusive 'bin raider' seagull!"
"Document the majestic 'pavement philosopher' (a local with a very loud opinion)."
Image: A photo of a pigeon perched on a traffic cone, with a "National Geographic" style border.
Next: Exclusive" Merchandise
Slide: "Souvenirs You Can't Get in Bath")
Title: "Bristol: Bringing You the Finest in Demolition Chic!"
Bullet Points:
"Authentic 'Bristol Rubble' paperweights!"
"Limited edition 'Pothole Art' postcards!"
" 'I survived the Green Council' t-shirts!"
Image: A mock-up of a "Bristol Rubble" paperweight made from actual concrete debris.
Finally: Call to Action.
Title: "Bristol: It's Not Bath. And That's the Point!"
Bullet Points:
Forget Roman history. "Book your 'Bristol Demolition Discovery' tour today!"
"Embrace the chaos! Experience the 'authentic' Bristol!"
"Follow us on social media for live updates on our latest demolition projects!"
Image: A QR code linking to a website with a perpetually under-construction homepage.
Final Tagline: "Bristol: Where the past is gone, the present is confusing, and the future is... well, we'll get back to you on that."
I’m done! Well, for now, at least. Be here for the next one.
