#Bristol: Where the Only Thing Rising Faster Than Student Flats is the Housing Waiting List.

For Sale: Entire City, Slightly Used, Ideal for Studentification.

Ah, another glorious chapter in the ongoing saga of Bristol's transformation into the UK's premier student dormitory with occasional artisanal sourdough pop-ups. As regular readers of my esteemed blog, www.https://thealmightygob.com (and if you're not, frankly, what are you doing with your life?), will know, I've been banging this particular drum until my knuckles are as raw as a vegan steak bake. Remember "Concrete Dreams and Empty Promises"? That was about the last batch of 'luxury' student pods shoehorned into a former Victorian pickle factory. And who could forget "The Great Bristol Land Grab: Sold to the Highest Bidder (Preferably Wearing a Hoodie)"? Classic Gob, if I do say so myself.

Now, we have the esteemed Dominus, poised to bestow upon us yet another gleaming edifice of higher learning… or rather, higher living, for those who apparently need 549 managed student homes, complete with a gym (presumably for all that strenuous studying) and 'social/study spaces' (where I imagine the most taxing activity will be deciding which artisanal coffee to Instagram). This on the very same site where, just last year, sensible councillors actually raised eyebrows about plonking students on an industrial estate. Progress! It seems those concerns have evaporated faster than a pint on a Friday night.

And let's not forget the fig leaf of a 'new community centre'. Oh, how touchingly predictable. It's the planning application equivalent of a free keyring with a timeshare – a vaguely appealing trinket to distract from the main, utterly self-serving agenda. Well, Bristol Post readers have been double-quick in letting off steam about this latest commercial venture to appease students. As Jonty2 astutely points out in the comments, the odds of that community centre actually materialising are roughly the same as finding a reasonably priced flat in Clifton.

The developer blithely talks of 'improved pedestrian and cycle connections'. How very civic-minded! Perhaps these newly connected pedestrians and cyclists can then gracefully navigate the ever-growing throngs of Deliveroo riders ferrying late-night snacks to our burgeoning student population. Meanwhile, as B3bob so eloquently asks, just how many actual homes for actual Bristolians will this free up? The silence, my friends, is deafening.

Busy Nan laments the transformation of our once-vibrant city into a student-centric monoculture. I feel you, Nan. It's like watching your favourite pub slowly morph into a branch of Nando's. And Downtowngirl hits the nail squarely on the head: where are the houses these students used to live in? Are they simply vanishing into thin air, much like Bristol's affordable housing prospects?

The sheer audacity of it all! Why bother with this piecemeal approach? Why not just embrace the inevitable and stick a giant 'For Sale' sign on the outskirts of Bristol? Perhaps a catchy eBay listing: "Vibrant South-West City, Ideal for Student Accommodation Conglomerates, Brownfield Sites Galore, Existing Resident Population Increasingly Irrelevant, Offers Considered."

Think of the efficiency! No more tedious planning applications, no more token community centres. Just a straight-up commercial transaction. The council could even offer bulk discounts for developers willing to take on entire postcodes.

In the meantime, the housing waiting list stretches longer than the queue for a Pret croissant on a Monday morning. Families are being shipped out to the nether regions, while others languish in the dubious comfort of hotels and guest houses. But hey, at least we'll have plenty of swanky student flats. Priorities, people, priorities!

Sirfrancisdrake's comment about 'student cupboards' is particularly poetic. Yes, prime land, ripe for actual homes, is instead being used to create high-density, purpose-built units that, let's be honest, often lie empty during the summer months. Zimboa raises the eternally pertinent question of council tax. Perhaps if these student empires contributed their fair share, we might actually have some funds to address the actual housing crisis. Just a thought.

Bristolruined is contemplating emigration. I can't say I blame them. Navigating this city is becoming an obstacle course of closed roads and Lycra-clad enthusiasts, all while the fundamental need for secure and affordable housing for its long-term residents goes largely unaddressed.

Covid-51 simply asks: "Why can't homes be built for families?" A question so simple, yet so apparently baffling to our city planners.

So, let's raise a cynical glass (perhaps filled with overpriced local craft beer) to the latest triumph of developer ambition over community need. The transformation continues apace. Soon, Bristol will be less a city and more a sprawling campus with a few historical buildings dotted around for scenic value. And who knows, maybe one day, they'll even build a museum dedicated to the memory of actual Bristolians living in actual houses. I'll be sure to write a further scathing review on https://www.thealmightygob.com. You won't want to miss it.