#Bristol's Emerald Epidemic Solved! (By the Green Party's "CRAP" Strategy)
Beyond the Dots: Brace Yourself for Even More CRAP (Tram Network Teaser To Follow!)
Oh, for the love of all that's unholy and green! It seems the "mystery" of Bristol's emerald epidemic on Greville Road has been "solved." And by "solved," I mean the council has appeared to finally announce its CRAP (Creative Roads and Pathways) Strategy that would make a sane person weep.
Yes, folks, those baffling blotches of bilious green are apparently part of a "community-led traffic calming scheme." "Calming," they say! As if a scattering of Kermit-colored confetti on the tarmac is going to magically soothe the savage beast of urban traffic. Councillor Ed Plowden (aka L Pondweed), bless his cotton socks and, presumably, his complete lack of common sense, declared these dots are all about improving "safety." Wow, my tyres are already laughing hysterically, vibrating with the rubber equivalent of urine extraction. Without casting aspersions, I begin to wonder if these Green Party meetings are nothing more than 'pass the bong' sessions where their best ideas spring to light and are subsequently acted upon?
L Pondweed further enlightened us by explaining that while "residents were consulted" in 2023 – a consultation apparently conducted with the same stealth and discretion as fist-fighting fog – this particular stroke of genius had to wait until the road was resurfaced. Because, you know, you can't just slap a bit of green paint on an old road; that would be far too logical and efficient!
Despite the council's earnest claims of public engagement, a quick chat with the actual inhabitants of Greville Road reveals a shocking truth: many of them knew absolutely zip, nada, precisely nothing about these verdant vandalisms. Tracy Francis, a local cycling aficionado, is already envisioning herself doing an involuntary interpretive dance across the asphalt when her bike tyres slide away on these new, utterly pointless additions, especially when the roads are wet. She even cornered the poor souls installing them, only to discover they were as clueless as she was about the dots' purpose. Her theory? Some "new" residents are simply trying to stop cars, probably by hypnotising them with polka dots.
Another resident, who probably spends their evenings staring at the green dots in bewildered horror, confirmed that this whole affair has caused quite the "stir." A "stir" indeed, more like a full-blown crisis for anyone who has to navigate this newly dotted disaster zone. Personally, I cannot wait for the next enthralling episode, when, at a future council meeting, we’re all told it’s just a random bit of summer in the (hopeful) sun, and instructions for the Green’s interpretation of the game ‘Twister’ will commence shortly.
Apparently, Bristol isn't alone in its descent into dotted madness. Colchester, back in April 2023, sported similar multi-coloured monstrosities, all in the name of encouraging children to walk or cycle. Because nothing says "walk to school" like making the journey a potential slip-and-slide adventure, right?
And if you, too, feel the inexplicable urge to turn your local thoroughfare into a life-sized game of Twister, Bristol City Council is practically begging you to apply for funding via their local area committee’s Community Infrastructure Levy. So go on, unleash your inner dot-enthusiast! Just don't come crying to me when your neighbours start organising pitchfork parades. Just don’t forget now, it’s all being done in the name of CRAP.
Speaking of which, don’t even get me started on the even more CRAP idea of a proposed tram network! What? Ah, okay then. In the blog to follow.
