Bristol's Polka-Dot Pandemic: A Green Mystery!

Are These Green Spots a Pothole-Covering Conspiracy or Just More Green Shenanigans?

(Image: Courtesy of Bristol Post)

Well, here we are again, folks, another day, another dose of delightful delirium in our fair city. And what fresh hell — or rather, fresh green spots — has descended upon us overnight? According to our esteemed Bristol Post, Greville Road in Southville has apparently contracted a severe case of the measles, but only on the tarmac. Yes, large, inexplicable green dots, ranging from the size of a frisbee to a small paddling pool, have spontaneously erupted, leaving residents "baffled" and even the council scratching its collective head.

"It looks like the road has got a form of measles," one keen observer noted. Indeed! Though I’d argue measles usually comes with a fever, and frankly, the temperature of Bristol’s transport policies has been running a bit high for a while now.

Now, some optimists are suggesting it's all part of an "art exhibition." Because, naturally, when you think of groundbreaking street art, you immediately envision giant, randomly placed green circles. "They are colourful and pretty," chirped one local, clearly still enjoying the novelty before the council decides to fine her for loitering on a public art installation. "It is definitely the kind of thing to happen in Bristol of all places," she added, which, let's be honest, is the truest statement ever uttered about our quirky corner of the world. Perhaps it’s a performance art piece about the slow, agonising death of common sense.

One particularly insightful individual speculated it could be a bid to slow drivers down to 20mph. Ah, yes, the classic "distract them with giant spots until they forget how to accelerate" strategy. Brilliant! Forget speed cameras or actual enforcement; just give the road a rash! Though, if it's meant to be a traffic calming measure, a local man seemed to disagree, arguing the dots "serve no purpose and are extremely unnecessary." And just like that, the true spirit of Bristolian grumbling returns!

But let's get to the real juicy theories, shall we? Could this be subliminal advertising for the Green Party? A verdant visual assault designed to subtly implant eco-friendly thoughts into our unconscious minds as we navigate the urban jungle? Imagine: you're driving along, minding your own business, and suddenly you're overcome with an inexplicable urge to buy a hemp jumper and cycle everywhere. It’s certainly a more cost-effective campaign than actually fixing the potholes, isn't it?

Or, perhaps, it's just like so many other schemes launched by our beloved Green council: we're all expected to join the dots to understand their thinking. A cryptic scavenger hunt of urban planning, where the prize is… well, we're not quite sure yet. Maybe a bike lane to nowhere, or another perfectly good bus route removed. Although likely not.

Because Bristol City Council, in a stunning display of bureaucratic agility, has confirmed they are "investigating where these road markings have come from." Translation: they've probably sent an intern out with a magnifying glass and a very confused expression. "We'll keep looking into this in the meantime," they added, which I believe is council-speak for "we have absolutely no idea, but we'll pretend we do until the next bizarre thing happens."

So, there you have it, folks. Bristol's latest masterpiece. Are we on the brink of a full-blown polka-dot apocalypse, or is this just another sign that we're living in the most delightfully peculiar city in the UK? What's your theory on these mysterious green invaders?