From Compost to Carriages: Bristol's Ostrich Taxi Revolution!

Yes, you read that right. After the "composting the dead" debate, I'm unleashing the power of feathered transport. Buckle up, Bristol Green Party!

Right then, you lovely people. Where to even begin? Or, more accurately, how do I gracefully navigate the treacherous waters following yesterday's, shall we say, enthusiastic discourse on composting the dead? With the environmentally conscious Bristol Greens now, apparently, keen on turning the departed into topsoil, I felt a certain... obligation... to provide them with yet another stroke of genius. And, lo and behold, within moments, like a bolt from the blue, it struck me: Ostriches! Yes, ostriches. The very embodiment of all things green and glorious.

Now, hold onto your hats, or grab something firm, for a revelation of seismic proportions. I, yours truly, actually did research. Yes, you read that correctly. Research. I understand this might cause a momentary fainting spell amongst readers of 'The Almighty Gob', but I assure you, it's quite true. In fact, that's two shocks in rapid succession, isn't it? Best get them out of the way, like ripping off a particularly stubborn plaster, before we delve into the avian brilliance that awaits.

As you’ll be aware, I cannot explain the randomness of my thoughts at the best of times, let alone now, as I bash the living daylights out of this keyboard, but Bristol’s licensed taxi drivers and Ostriches suddenly came together like an apparition of divine partnership.

You see, Bristol licensed taxi drivers have been well and truly screwed over by our beloved city council in recent years. Moved around like pawns on a chessboard from one successful rank to a more obscure one, and their trade has suffered because passengers, who tend to be creatures of habit, have always known where to fall out of a pub and into a cab for a ride home.

Now, there was a time in the United States when you could hop into a carriage pulled by ostriches—yes, ostriches! In the late 19th century, entrepreneurs in California and Florida tried to make these speedy birds a viable means of transportation, but sadly, due to the lack of MOT stations (well, the American equivalent), it proved difficult to obtain spare parts that would make them roadworthy again, and so the idea - as great as it was, became redundant, and left these 19th century entrepreneurs, well, spitting ostrich feathers.

So, rolling forward by a mere century, the idea of my friend Ali and his licensed taxi associates swapping their vehicles for ostriches, is a genius idea that the Green run council in Bristol would have no objections to at all. In fact, they’d probably be praised internationally for their innovative approach to green transport. So, that said, let’s take a look at the benefits.

The "Ostrich-Powered Eco-Cabs" of Bristol: A Green Dream for Bristol.

I. Core Concept:

• Ostrich Power: Replace traditional taxi engines with specially trained ostriches pulling lightweight, open-air "eco-cabs."

• "Zero Emissions": Claim that ostrich-powered transport is "carbon-neutral" because ostriches primarily eat plants and the "bio-methane" is a closed loop system.

II. Operational Details:

• Ostrich Training and Management:

  • A dedicated "Ostrich Academy" will be established to train ostriches in pulling cabs and navigating Bristol's streets.

  • "Ostrich Wranglers" will be employed to manage the birds, ensuring their well-being and safe operation. Especially on a Friday when, St Marks Road, for instance, gets rather busy with worshippers.

  • Ostrich "rest stops" will be established around the city, with fresh water and food.

• Eco-Cab Design:

  • Lightweight, bamboo-framed cabs with recycled fabric seating.

  • Solar-powered LED lighting for night operations.

  • A small compartment for storing passenger luggage and spare water.

  • A small solar panel for the taxi meter.

• Route Planning:

  • Routes will be designed to accommodate the ostriches' pace and turning radius.

  • Designated "ostrich lanes" will be implemented on key roads.

  • A map of all the local allotments will be given to the drivers, so that they can resupply the ostriches during their shift.

• Passenger Experience:

  • Open-air travel, providing a unique and "natural" experience.

  • Passengers will be encouraged to bring vegetable scraps for the ostriches.

  • Each cab will have a small brush, so that passengers can help keep the ostrich clean.

• "Green" Marketing:

  • Highlight the "eco-friendly" nature of the service, emphasising the use of renewable energy and local resources.

  • Promote the "Ostrich-Powered Eco-Cabs" as a tourist attraction and a symbol of Bristol's commitment to sustainability.

  • Slogans such as "Ride the future, one stride at a time!" will be used.

  • Oh, and how remiss of me in failing to mention a top speed of 70mph on the motorway!

Seriously, what is there not to like?

Furthermore.

Availability.

There are several ostrich farms in the UK, who, no doubt, would all be keen to diversify their current businesses, including Bisbrooke Ostrich Farms, Gamston Wood Ostriches, and Little Rowater Farm. So, no shortage of models to choose from, and all offering competitive prices. Be honest, why pay extortionate vehicle showroom prices that almost bankrupt you, to say nothing of exorbitant spare parts, when you can buy an environmentally friendly ostrich for the price of, say, a Butlins ‘Halal’ weekend away, or less?

Depreciation.

No problem. Ostriches can live up to 70 years in captivity. So, plenty of bang for your buck, right? Let’s face it. You’d never get 70 years out of your current vehicle.

Accessories.

To save wear and tear, it would be advisable to have custom-made ostrich boots manufactured, which again would provide meaningful employment to maybe, hard-stretched farriers in the current market. It’s just a shame that Clarks closed its manufacturing factory in Street some years back, as something as innovative as this would have kept locals in employment.

No Farting. So, Greenhouse Gas, Friendly Transport Is The Way To Go.

Unlike environmentally unfriendly bovines, ostriches (and birds in general) do not fart because their digestive systems process food so quickly that there isn't enough time for gas to build up, and they lack the necessary bacteria in their gut that produce gas like mammals do; therefore, they essentially never fart. Proving yet another win for the ostrich.

Side Earners.

Understanding the ostrich's moulting cycle is crucial for ostrich farmers as the quality of feathers can significantly impact their economic value. So, getting to know your friendly ostrich dealer could help boost income. In addition, there are further options:

• Ostrich-Based High-End Dusting Services:

  • "Imagine the delicate, static-charged feathers of a moulting ostrich, perfect for dusting priceless antiques! We offer 'The Feathered Finish,' a premium dusting service for the discerning collector."

  • "Our ostriches, trained in the art of gentle duster manipulation, will reach those hard to get places, in your mansion."

• Ostrich Egg Art and Performance:

  • "Imagine partnering with avant-garde artists to create 'Ostrich Egg Expressionism.' Watch as your ostriches, guided by abstract impulses, create stunning (and accidentally smashed) eggshell masterpieces."

  • "Ostrich egg shell musical instruments. Large, very loud, and very fragile."

• Ostrich-Powered Renewable Energy:

  • "Forget solar and wind! How about harnessing the raw, unbridled energy of the ostrich's 'startled sprint’? The patented 'Ostrich Treadmill Generator' will power any home with pure, avian anxiety."

• Ostrich Feather Couture for the Eccentric:

  • "Move over, haute couture! How about 'Ostrich Opulence,' a line of feather-based fashion for those who dare to be ridiculous. Think full-feathered suits, extravagant headpieces, and capes that require their own postcode." Ideal wear for Bristol street protests!

  • Ostrich feather dusters for those with extreme allergies, that need the best dusting possible.

• Ostrich-Themed Reality TV:

  • "Tune in to 'Ostrich Wranglers,' the reality show that follows the chaotic lives of our ostrich taxi drivers as they attempt to maintain order in a world of giant, flightless birds. Expect drama, feathers, and a lot of very confused ostriches."

  • "Or, 'Ostrich Behaviourists' a show where people try to understand the inner workings of the ostrich mind while said avians are navigating the M32."

• Ostrich manure, high-end fertiliser.

  • "Ostrich manure is the finest in the world, it is so good, your plants will grow to unbelievable sizes."

  Food.

  As I pointed out to Ali, when the bird finally pops its clogs, what better way to celebrate the end of Ramadan? It’s a yum-yum, win-win all round, baby!

Finally, for all the positives there has to be at least one negative, and to provide balance it has to be mentioned.

With Bristol being the ‘ahem’…..city of protest, I can guarantee this will be the only city in the entire world to have that one person, yes, one person, and probably in the entire universe to have that one person, who remains the founding member of the ‘Ostrich Liberation Front’!