Green Dreams and Coal Seams: Bristol's Leader Finds a New Calling (and Maybe a New Job?)
Because Running a City is Just Too Mainstream.
Bristol, a city once known for its vibrant spirit and, well, functional roads, has now entered a new era of historical reenactments and traffic-induced existential crises. Our esteemed council leader, Tony Dyer, has decided that, amidst the chaos of managing a modern city, Bristol really needs to do a deep dive into its coal mining past. Because, you know, nothing soothes the soul quite like reminiscing about the tragic tales of subterranean toil while your car languishes in a gridlock caused by ill-conceived traffic schemes.
Because, let's face it, who needs to worry about mundane things like, say, council budgets when you can explore the tragic tales of yesteryear's miners? "The Greater Bedminster area was once covered by coal mines," Cllr Dyer solemnly intones, "many ending in tragedy for the mineworkers." And I'm sure the good people of Bristol are just thrilled to hear about another tragedy, especially one that doesn't involve their cars' suspension systems.
Yes, while the rest of us are navigating the urban jungle of Bristol's "traffic calming" measures (which, let's be honest, are more like "traffic enraging" measures), Tony Dyer is planning a historical stroll through Bedminster's coal mine relics. One can almost picture the tour: "And here, folks, is where the miners once toiled, much like you're toiling to get around the city on time thanks to our experimental road closures."
Now, don't get me wrong. History is important. But perhaps, just perhaps, our city leader could multitask? Maybe, between recounting the harrowing tales of coal dust and collapsed tunnels, he could spare a moment to address the current state of Bristol's roads? I mean, if we're talking about historical landmarks, surely the city's potholes deserve a guided tour of their own? So, without further ado, let’s explore ……….
Tony Dyer's "Pothole Pilgrimage: A Journey Through Bristol's Asphalt Abyss."
Imagine it: "Welcome, intrepid travelers, to the 'East Street Abyss,' a pothole of such historical significance that it has its own ecosystem. Notice the unique flora and fauna that have adapted to its depths—mostly discarded crisp packets and the occasional hubcap. And over here, the 'Stokes Croft Grand Canyon,' a testament to the council's innovative approach to road maintenance: 'If we ignore it, it'll become a tourist attraction.'"
And while we're at it, let's not forget the cobbled streets! Those ancient, resilient stones that have somehow, miraculously, outlasted the council's tarmac repairs. A true testament to the power of… well, not being patched up with sand, cement, a scraping of tarmac to cover, and wishful thinking.
But fear not, dear readers! If Tony's coal mine tour is a hit, perhaps we can look forward to a whole series of historical adventures. "Tony Dyer's Tour of Bristol's Leaky Roofs," or "Tony Dyer's Guide to the City's Ever-Expanding Recycling Mountain." The possibilities are endless! Watch out for his future YouTube channel.
In all seriousness, while it is great to see Tony Dyer taking an interest in local history, one has to wonder if he has enough time to focus on the day-to-day running of Bristol. Maybe he’s just lining himself up for another job as soon as the Greens lose the next election. Which won’t be that long, by all accounts.
The Green Party's Bristol management has been, let’s say, a masterclass in unintended consequences. Their ambitious traffic schemes, designed to save the planet one gridlocked street at a time, have instead created a symphony of honking horns and frustrated commuters. Cycle lanes that lead to nowhere, bus gates that trap the unwary, and road closures that defy all logic—it's a veritable urban obstacle course.
But fear not, dear tourists! Because, coming soon is: the "Bristol Pothole Pilgrimage." Yes, forget the Clifton Suspension Bridge; the real marvels of Bristol are its craters of crumbling tarmac.
Because, having done the mines, next up will be Tony Dyer's "Pothole Pilgrimage: A Journey Through Bristol's Asphalt Abyss." Can you imagine it?
The tour will include:
"The Suspension Breaker": A pothole so deep, it's rumoured to have swallowed a double-decker bus.
"The Tyre Terminator" a collection of potholes that have destroyed more tyres than any other street in Bristol.
"The Cobble stone conundrum" a tour of the remaining cobbled streets, and a discussion as to why these ancient roads are in better condition than the modern tarmac.
And let's not forget the irony. While Tony Dyer lectures us about the environmental impact of fossil fuels, his traffic schemes have increased fuel consumption tenfold as cars idle in endless queues. "Think of the carbon footprint!" he'll proclaim, while a bus is stuck in a pointless bus gate.
Okay, you lovely tourists, come to Bristol! Experience the thrill of navigating our pothole-ridden roads, the joy of sitting in traffic for hours, and the historical wonder of our coal mining past. Because in Bristol, we don't just dream green; we live it—one gridlocked street and ancient mine shaft at a time. And remember, when you see a pothole, it's not a road defect, it's a historical monument.
So, here's to Tony Dyer, Bristol's very own Indiana Jones of historical trivia. May his tours be enlightening, and may his council meetings be… well, at least slightly less tragic than the stories of the coal mines.
