I suppose I should just wait patiently for the fatwah then.
From the sardonic, but rarely (of course) irreverent keyboard of Gob Almighty, Bristol author and blogger, John Langley.
Well, today, in fact much earlier I had an idea around the challenges of getting an appointment to see a GP nowadays, and how I was planning to book any health issues in advance. So far in my head at least, the thinking was to come down with a bout of dysentery in August, and perhaps even a mild case of angina during the summer as a prequel. To do this would have required phoning my practice tomorrow and making the necessary appointments.
To be honest, it was all going really well, and every conceivable illness known to humankind would have taken me up to Christmas, possibly even beyond. However, it was clearly not to be when my thoughts were hijacked by our Muslim friends (brothers and sisters in their lingo), and a news item informing me of the departure board at London's Kings Cross station displaying a message at 09:22 describing people as "sinners" who must "repent".
In full, it read as follows -
"Day 9
Fajr 04:25
Maghrib:18:16
Hadith of the day:
The Prophet Mohammed(PBUH)sal..
:
All the sons of Adam are sinners but the best of the sinners are those who repent often".
Immediately, I checked my phone, diary and laptop to confirm I hadn't enjoyed such a long sleep that somehow I'd woken up on April Fool’s day. I even checked my fridge to ensure I'd bought the right mushrooms, and the ones I'd bought hadn't gone well beyond their 'use by' date and had somehow leaked psychotropics into last night's evening meal. Even the thought of leaving my building caused some concern in case I was chased by the 'Shaytaan' (satanic beings in Islam) through Bristol's Broadmead until I found refuge in a cafe and prayed to the god of hot chocolate.
So, I departed from my building with not a demon in sight and sought refuge in an establishment owned by a good friend who, by a bizarre twist of irony just happens to be a Muslim, and this, of course, just happens to be Ramadan. I swear that starving himself from sunrise to sundown is starving his brain of oxygen, as it seemed addled, to say the least - and I've noticed this only seems to happen at this time of the year.
To be honest with you, for a guy in his forties you'd think for all the years of starving himself for a month he'd be used to it by now, or, at the very least put Weightwatchers to shame and be thin as a rake. But no, not him. Yet, on the plus side, I'm suddenly benefitting from cream on my hot chocolate that all other times of the year I'd have to plead for.
Now, while I was sitting there having my mouth and tongue almost scalded as I sip my drink, my thoughts returned to the Kings Cross station destination board, and I began to wonder how on earth such a display had been allowed to happen. So, I undertook some on-the-spot homework to establish that out of the nine million (ish) people in London, around one and a half million are of the Muslim faith. No small number by any means, but how many would be boarding a train from Kings Cross at nearly half nine in the morning - a handful, perhaps?
According to Wikipedia (yes, further homework) the greatest concentration of Muslims can be found in Tower Hamlets, Newham and Waltham Forest, and outside of east London in boroughs such as Camden, Southwark, and Hackney. Bearing in mind I'm by no means a genius, my brain did manage to get itself around the fact that Kings Cross station only just falls within the London Borough of Camden and, therefore, it seems logical to someone with my meagre IQ that such a destination board would come to the attention of only a small minority of Muslims, and that any such notices would be better served within the heart of the most densely populated areas.
I remember some time back, and now buried somewhere in my Tumblr blog that I copy these blogs to, having a bit of a rant about church bells and how nowadays, thanks to text messaging, social media and the likes of, there's absolutely no need for bells to remind churchgoers of a service taking place, and, in the same way, I'm sure just about every Muslim on the planet has a phone.
So, such messages can be conveyed thus, right?
Although, having said that, the idea of having some relevance to a destination board could probably be overlooked if it were to display the following message -
"We apologise for the delay. However, we regret to announce that your journey to 72 virgins has been delayed, and you will not reach your intended destination today having contravened Haram. Under our Terms and Conditions of travel, you will not be entitled to a refund in part, or in full of your journey. However, as also stated within the same Terms and Conditions you may appeal this decision within the period of Ramadan stating your reasons, and engage in endless Salat directly with the higher being. Failure to do this will result in waiting for a further year. Thank you for your understanding, from all at Virgin 72 Express."
I suppose, on the other hand, the hope is to give Christians who may read it a guilt complex, as religion is generally pretty good at that, regardless of who the fantasy guvnor is up on high. Coming from a Catholic background myself it goes with the territory. Or put another way, never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Still, each to their own.