I think I'm starting to like some of this stuff about Allah's followers!

Now, I have to add upfront that I am not a religious person by any means, and converting to any religion just isn't my thing. However, I believe certain aspects of every faith bring value to our lives in one way or another.

I closed yesterday's blog post pondering where my mental processing journey would take me next as this previous post left much room for further and deeper thought on immigration and multiculturalism.

It would have been easy, almost too easy to jump to all manner of hypotheses and conclusions regarding the seemingly endless stream of illegals landing on our coastline pretty much on a daily basis and continue that narrative in the here and now: and who knows, I may well do at a later date.

As I recall, it was the word 'integration' that prompted the chain of thought which led me to address what Muslim migrants may bring to the British table, so to speak, and what we could take from their culture that would best benefit Britain as we head into the future and enable both sides to reach a satisfactory, and workable compromise, while upholding our Britishness and not becoming another Muslim country with Sharia laws dictating how our government must be led via religious doctrine.

Call me visionary, perhaps, but I don't believe I'm the only person seeing the opportunities in terms of law and order, and the benefits to our economy. Take for example shoplifting. The simple act of cutting off a perpetrator’s hand would save the retail sector as a whole over £7bn per annum in stock loss alone while sending a robust deterrent message to others. Just think about it for a minute. People complain about the rising cost of living and food poverty. So, let it sink in that a £7bn saving at the retail end would be a considerable saving to consumers if food prices were lower as a result. It's a no-brainer.

In addition, adopting such a measure would also go some way to appeasing the thousands of Muslim-owned 'corner shops' who struggle to provide a quality retail experience for their customers, and when robbed must momentarily give thought to what would happen to a perpetrator in the country of their ancestral heritage where theft of any description is punished by amputation. I can see this also serving as just punishment for graffiti idiots who randomly tag their names, spoil our environment and cost councils thousands of pounds of local taxpayers’ money to clean it off, only for it to be replaced by further wanton idiocy within days.

Another heinous crime, that now removes this conversation away from Muslim law, is nonetheless something I believe a great many people would be wholly in support of, and this is the castration of paedophiles. Although I quite like the idea of hanging people in public places, the cost benefits of castration against hanging are imminently more beneficial as there's no need for the expense of a stage and gallows (including labour costs to build). On top of this, it would also remove the cost of prison time for those who are convicted of child sex crimes. There again, rethinking the gallows concept, I suppose if it were a public stage, when hanging isn't taking place the area could be hired out for other public performances, such as death metal gigs, and similar. So, it could realistically turn a profit, whereas there's no money to be made from castration that I can think of at this moment.

Never mind, moving on to other matters I'm trying hard to veer away from the idea of stoning people to death as I think the public is way too volatile by nature and we'd end up in a situation where it wouldn't just be stones, it would be anything around the house that's redundant and fit for the tip. Like old, broken window frames. Perhaps an old ironing board, and nan's old tea set. So, in reality, there would be a head popping out of the ground surrounded by flytipping that's really bad for the environment. Unless, of course, local authorities were made to provide areas for public stoning.

In which case, the public could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

I guess that just leaves the criminally insane, serial rapists, and people who just like to repeat murder because there's nothing worth watching on the telly, or Ant and Dec occupying Saturday nights and trips to the jungle simply drove them to it. Oh, and terrorists as well, let's not forget! Surely there has to be some cost-saving benefits to the public here, right? Have I covered throwing people off of buildings (Sharia stylie) yet? One moment please, while I read back.

No, apparently I haven't. Now, to my best knowledge, it costs somewhere around £1.000 per week to keep a prisoner incarcerated. So, if someone is found to be criminally insane, a serial rapist, or a multiple murderer and serving only a twenty-year sentence, for example, by my childlike mathematic ability that works out to over a million quid. Or, put another way, what I aspire to win on the lottery each week to keep me in fags, hot chocolate, and serve three cats that cost me a fortune the longer they live as I seem to spend more on them than I do on myself.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, throwing people off of tall buildings. Now, forgetting gay people, I completely understand people's revulsion to any suggestion of the sort. However, on the plus side, the mere mention of child killers, and serial rapists ending their days in such a way would get the attention of just about everyone. In fact, I'd go as far as to say there'd likely be quite a big audience for such an event, and perhaps tickets could be sold at maybe £10 each, it would more than cover any outlay and show a healthy profit that could be put towards filling potholes in our roads, for example. Other suggestions are welcome, by the way.

It goes without saying, I hope, that any suggestion of exclaiming "Allahu Akbar" immediately before launching anyone toward their death would be highly inappropriate, as not only would it give false hope to our Muslim friends that we are fully adopting their ways, I can see issues around plagiarism too. Or worse still accusations of 'cultural misappropriation'.

Let's not forget the flak white women get for daring to have their hair in dreadlocks. So, I've come up with a suggestion which, I accept, may need a little more work, but I'm sure you'll get the gist of it, even in its rough draft stage, to the rhythm of that well-known classic, Humpty Dumpty.

"Noncie-noncie sat on a wall.

Noncie-noncie had a great fall.

Ambulance services and supporting policemen,

Couldn't put noncie together again".

Okay, I admit it has its flaws, and before all you equality and diversity jobsworths start foaming at the mouth about it being sexist and non-inclusive of women, it had to bloody rhyme, alright! Now, get over yourselves and move on. Although having said that, further thought needs to be given to equality while being somewhat sensitive around the small issue of the predilection, some, but far from all Muslims have for under-age females in this country. In this respect, and in the spirit of equal opportunity and cooperation, I feel it only fair that Muslim kiddy-fiddlers should be treated with the same proportionality as their white counterparts, with no exceptions, and off the building ye go.

Afghanistan, Pakistan, and other such places this is not. Here, we would adopt a more responsible attitude towards terminating people, and we have to give thought to health and safety rules, crowd control, first-aiders on-site for those who may faint as the body journeys downwards, and loos for those who may experience uncontrollable bowel movements or bladder irregularities, etc. In the UK we wouldn't just throw people off building tops willy-nilly. Things have to be properly planned, such as screens around where the body may land so as not to cause distress to the squeamish in such a way that they may seek a refund on their ticket cost, and more.

All in all, I think with a little work in consultation with our Muslim friends, and some very robust terms of reference in any proposed agreement between the parties, I reckon we could be on to a winner: or at the very least a starter for ten. I think that's pretty much it really. Oh, except for one more rather simple, but again somewhat sensitive issue that would go some way toward better relations.

First of all, a disproportionate amount of your brothers are under the impression that taking a boat ride from France to England will solve all their problems, only to end up in a camp somewhere while their status is verified. It would appear that a great many of your Islamic faith are being highly disrespectful to Allah, in as much as they are denying their faith by converting to Christianity under false pretences. Obviously, their commitment to Christianity would need to be tested in the same way as would a Christian to Islam if it were the other way around. So, the proposal is that rather like to television programmes 'Big Brother' and 'I'm a Celebrity' they are challenged by eating roast pork dinners, pork scratchings, ham salads and sandwiches, and a few pints of beer to wash it all down. If they can survive one week of this, and recite the Lord’s Prayer and a few Hail Marys, sing 'Abide with Me' and 'Jerusalem' then baptism and full conversion to

Christianity will look very promising for them. If, on the other hand, they fail all of this, then with regret, they'll be put on the flight list to Rwanda and given a thousand-pound consolation prize. Seems fair to me, wouldn’t you agree?