In Today's Super-Soaraway Edition of 'The (Almost) Daily Bitch'.

Just as our lives were becoming bored stiff with the General Election bullshit coming at us from all angles, with no escape other than a full board, padded room until July the whatever because I'm way past caring, an errant bovine roaming the streets of a south London suburb suddenly becomes news headlines and all else in the world instantly becomes a mere blip in yesterdays memory with this Fresian having greater importance than the toolmaker's son and his oppo, the Sky deficient, mini suit size currently residing in London's second-best-known residential address.

Well, it's now the day after, and, as of yet, much to my surprise, not one newspaper has made the executive editorial decision to provide so much as a 'pet' name for the bovine, as would usually be the case, befitting of a red-top, daily rag. Not even one Labour-leaning splash story commenting that the last cow to be seen in London was one by the name of Thatcher.

How times have changed, huh?

Now, it's all about the welfare of the animal, and how Surrey Police officers handled the situation and contained the errant cow that was captured on video because this is what people do nowadays.

Apparently, it took a mere two hours for the cops to decide how to handle such a random event. I can understand this without too much effort. After all, scouring numerous pages on E-bay late at night to purchase bullbars instantly, and have them delivered by Evri without flashing blue lights to speed up the journey would challenge the best of us. Even police.

So, in their infinite wisdom, the police decided that in terms of public safety, their best choice of action under these unusual circumstances was to mastermind a road traffic accident with a 'hit and not run' scenario, as per their training manual, Section D1, paragraph 5, under the heading 'What To Do When A Silly Cow Obstructs The Highway, And It Isn't A Climate Change Protestor - For A Change'.

Anyway, given that applying handcuffs to the animal would present something of a challenge, option two resulted in the animal facing one of the more unusual arrests in the history of the police by head locking it under the front wheels of their vehicle. Therefore not only making it immovable, but in a far better position to undertake an interview unencumbered, given the spit mask alternative couldn't have been found in the wardrobe of Surrey police headquarters and rushed to the scene in time.

As you can imagine, the scene was intense with this animal clearly, and understandably distressed. One minute you're so bored with a field and copious amounts of grass to eat that, even I would be tempted to see a better world beyond the fences and gates and go for a wander just to get a sense of what freedom feels like. Wouldn't you? Then, next minute you're being chased by uniformed strangers in a car, when all you wanted to do was have a change of scenery and munch some grass in an appetising looking front garden. You know, like you'd read in a children’s book?

I mean, did no one think of calling Tammy Wynette up to ask her to sing to the animal, just to take it's mind off the situation temporarily? All she would have had to do was voice her number one hit to the anxious bovine. You know the one, don't you?

"They're justified, and they're ancient

And they like to roam the land

(Just roll it from the top)

They're justified, and they're ancient

I hope you understand

(To the bridge, to the bridge, to the bridge now)

They called me up in Tennessee

They said "Tammy, stand by the jams"

But if you don't like what they're going to do

You better not stop them 'cause they're coming through

(Bring the beat back)

All bound for Moo Moo Land (justified)

(Hey, hey)

All bound for Moo Moo Land (justified)."

Yes, that one!

(lyrics slightly altered for purely comedic purposes,

you understand).

Sadly, however, this opportunity passed everyone by, except the adult nappy-wearing brigade who, with immediate effect, began whinging and whining about animal rights, animal lefts, but surprisingly, perhaps, not one mention of animal centres - of which there are many. While busy filling their adult nappies in between writing on social media, the activists were exclaiming their fury from both ends of their bodies simultaneously, as if they were suddenly bilingual.

With all and sundry so consumed by their emotions and sense of utter bollocks, the fact that this apparently random event just happened to coincide with an important date in the Muslim calendar has been completely overlooked. Eid ul-Adha is a public holiday in Muslim countries. In 2024, Eid ul-Adha begins on the evening of Sunday 16 June and ends on the evening of Thursday 20 June. So, low and behold, Allah, in his infinite wisdom provided a cow in celebration of this event. But, did anyone even consider for one moment the opportunity for a community barbecue? NO.. self-centred bastards - all of them! Ah well, there’s always next year, I suppose.