Nigel Farage Opens Car Garage Business: "Nigel's Garage" (aka The Farage Garage) - "Taking Back Control of Your Motor."
Reform UK leader launches satirical car garage in Clacton offering Brexit oil changes, used car sales, and "sovereignty tune-ups."
Nigel Farage, the Reform UK leader and GB News presenter, has announced the grand opening of his latest venture: Nigel’s Garage (also trading as “The Farage Garage” when it suits him), a “proper British” automotive repair shop that pledges to service vehicles “the way our grandfathers would have wanted.”
“People keep calling it the Farage Garage,” Nigel shrugged, “which is fine. Both names work. Whatever gets customers through the door, really. Though officially, it’s Nigel’s Garage. Or is it? Look, the signage was cheaper if we kept it vague.”
“We’ll Get Your Country Running Again.”
Standing beside a Union Jack-wrapped Ford Transit, the former UKIP leader explained his vision while enjoying his fourth pint of the morning. “For too long, British motorists have been subjected to Brussels bureaucracy telling them what parts to use, what emissions to produce, and how to fix their own bloody cars. Well, not anymore.”
Brexit Oil Changes and Sovereignty Tune-Ups: Services That Put Britain First.
Nigel’s Garage offers a comprehensive range of services, all with that distinctive patriotic touch:
Brexit Oil Changes promise to drain your vehicle of “foreign fluids” and replace them with “100% British oil, sourced from the North Sea or wherever, really.” When asked about quality standards, Farage waved dismissively: “Standards are just EU red tape trying to tell us how thick our oil should be.”
The Immigration Filter Replacement Service guarantees to keep “unwanted particles” out of your engine system. “We use only the finest British filters,” Farage insists, gesturing to a box clearly marked ‘Made in China.’ “Well, they were packaged in Britain,” he clarified.
Sovereignty Tune-Ups represent the garage’s premium offering. “Your car, your rules,” declares the promotional literature, printed in a font that bears a suspicious resemblance to Comic Sans. The service includes removing any parts manufactured in EU countries and replacing them with “alternatives we’ll source from somewhere eventually.”
The Waiting Room Experience: GB News and 8 am Beer.
Perhaps most impressive is the waiting area, a shrine to British motoring decorated with photographs of Farage standing beside various vehicles across the country. The room features uncomfortable plastic chairs, a television permanently tuned to GB News, and a beer tap offering “proper British ale at 8 am, because this is a free country.”
“Why should customers wait for their repairs, drinking coffee like some sort of continental?” Farage mused, pulling another pint. “This is Britain. We drink bitter and we like it.”
Customer Reviews: Mixed Reception for Clacton Garage.
Early customer testimonials have been varied. Dave from Dover reported: “Nigel removed my catalytic converter because he said it was ‘woke regulation.’ Now my car fails its MOT and sounds like a tractor, but at least it’s sovereign.”
Margaret from Margate was less impressed: “I brought my Peugeot in for a simple service. He just stood there pointing at it and shouting ‘French!’ for twenty minutes, then charged me £50 for the consultation.”
An anonymous customer noted: “He refused to work on my German car at all. Said something about ‘not negotiating with Volkswagen’ and told me to take it to a remainer garage.”
Meanwhile, a representative from the local NHS Trust is still waiting: “We were promised a £350 million discount on our fleet servicing. So far, we’ve received an invoice and a lecture about fishing quotas.”
Pricing Transparency Concerns at Farage’s New Business.
When asked about the pricing structure, the Clacton MP became evasive. “Look, we said we’d try to give you an estimate. Things change. Circumstances evolve. The important thing is we’re taking back control of your repair costs from Brussels.”
A small-print disclaimer on every invoice reads: “Repairs may take considerably longer than initially promised and will almost certainly cost more than estimated. Nigel’s Garage accepts no responsibility for any claims made during the booking process.”
Nigel Farage’s Automotive Qualifications Questioned.
Local mechanics have raised concerns about Farage’s automotive credentials. “Does he actually know how to fix cars?” asked one competitor who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw him try to check someone’s oil by opening the windscreen washer reservoir.”
When confronted with these allegations, the Brexit campaigner bristled: “I don’t need certificates from some elite mechanic college telling me how to repair vehicles. I’m a man of the people. I’ve driven cars. That’s qualification enough.”
The Parts Dilemma: British or “British-Adjacent.”
Perhaps most perplexing is the garage’s parts inventory system. Farage insists all components are “British or British-adjacent,” though customers report seeing boxes from Germany hastily covered with St. George’s Cross stickers.
“We’re working on establishing new trade deals with parts suppliers,” Farage explained unconvincingly. “Very exciting opportunities with some countries you’ve definitely heard of. We’ll have parts any day now. World-beating parts. Better than EU parts, which were rubbish anyway.”
One mechanic, who quit after the first week, reported: “He spent three hours trying to source a ‘British sparkplug’ before I explained that sparkplugs are sparkplugs. He fired me for being ‘insufficiently patriotic about combustion.’”
Imperial Measures Only: No Metric “Nonsense.”
In keeping with traditional British values, all measurements at Nigel’s Garage are given exclusively in imperial units. Tyre pressure is measured in pounds per square inch, oil in pints, and distances in furlongs.
“None of this metric nonsense,” Farage declared. “If it was good enough for Henry VIII, it’s good enough for your Honda Civic.”
Unfortunately, this has led to several mishaps, including one vehicle that received 40 pints of oil instead of 4 litres, and another whose wheel nuts were tightened to “about a stone of torque, give or take.”
The Brexit Bay: Mysterious Patriotic Repair Station.
The garage’s centrepiece is the “Brexit Bay,” a repair station decorated with bunting and perpetually playing Rule Britannia on loop. This is where the most “patriotic” repairs take place, according to promotional materials.
“In the Brexit Bay, we don’t just fix your car,” Farage explained mysteriously. “We free it from the shackles of European engineering philosophy. Does your Volkswagen need to meet emissions standards? Not anymore. Does your Renault need parts that fit properly? That’s just EU pedantry.”
When pressed on what actually happens in the Brexit Bay, staff members looked uncomfortable and changed the subject.
Used Car Sales: Nigel’s Pre-Loved Motors - “Previously Sovereign Vehicles.”
In a quiet corner of the forecourt sits what the Reform UK leader calls his “boutique collection” of secondhand vehicles. Currently numbering three cars, he insists the lot is “growing rapidly - we’ll have more than three any day now.”
The inventory includes a 2003 Vauxhall Vectra with 187,000 miles (”one careful owner, if you don’t count the other six”), a Rover 45 that Farage describes as “the last truly British car,” and a suspiciously Italian-looking Fiat 500 that’s been hastily rebadged as a “Britannia 500.”
Car Finance Available: 29.9% APR with “No Credit Checks, Just Sovereignty Checks.”
“Why should Brussels bureaucrats tell you whether you can afford a car?” Farage asks, waving a finance agreement that appears to have been drafted on the back of a beer mat. “At Nigel’s, we offer competitive finance rates starting at only 29.9% APR, which is a number I’ve been assured is normal.”
The finance terms are explained in a 47-page document written entirely in dense legalese, with one clear sentence: “Payment terms subject to change based on how we’re feeling.”
Used Car Warranty: “The Full Nigel Guarantee.”
Every vehicle comes with what Farage calls “The Full Nigel Guarantee” - a comprehensive warranty covering “almost everything, probably, for a bit.”
The warranty document promises coverage for “major components, including the engine, gearbox, and anything else we decide is major at the time of claim.” When asked for specifics, Farage became animated: “Look, we’re not going to hide behind EU consumer protection laws. This is a British warranty. It means what we say it means.”
Fine print reveals the warranty is void if: the vehicle is driven in the rain, parked near a French car, serviced by anyone other than Nigel’s Garage, or if Farage “has reason to believe the owner voted Remain.”
Farage’s Expansion Plans: Four, Maybe Five Vehicles.
Despite teething problems, Farage remains optimistic about both the garage and forecourt’s future. “We’re already planning expansion,” he announced. “The car lot will soon have four, maybe five vehicles. World-beating inventory. People are saying it’s the best selection of Vauxhall Vectras in East Anglia.”
He gestured vaguely toward the empty space next to the Rover: “That spot there? Reserved for something special. Can’t say what yet, but it’ll be British. Well, British-assembled. Or British-imported. Look, it’ll have been in Britain at some point, that’s the main thing.”
Future plans also include Nigel’s MOT Testing Centre (”where WE decide if YOUR car passes, not some bureaucrat”) and Nigel’s Driving School (”teaching proper British driving without all those namby-pamby EU safety requirements”).
He paused to sign autographs for absolutely no one in the empty car park.
Nigel Farage Latest: Balancing Politics and Car Repairs.
“Mark my words,” the GB News presenter concluded, pulling yet another pint, “within five years, every car in Britain will have been through Nigel’s Garage. We’ll be the number one choice for motorists who want their vehicles fixed and financed by someone who’s definitely been photographed holding a pint near a car.”
When reminded that he’d promised the garage would be “operationally profitable within six months” and the car lot would have “at least twenty vehicles by now,” Farage smiled enigmatically: “Did I? Well, that was more of an aspiration than a promise. Besides, success isn’t measured in mere profits or inventory numbers. It’s measured in sovereignty. And by that metric, we’ve got three very sovereign cars indeed.”
Nigel’s Garage (aka The Farage Garage) is located on Sovereignty Street, Clacton-on-Sea. Opening hours are whenever Nigel feels like it, closed Sundays and any day there’s a by-election somewhere. Early booking recommended, repairs not guaranteed. No German cars. Seriously!
Keywords: #NigelFarage, #Faragegarage, #Reform UK, #GB News, #Brexit, #Clacton, #car_repairs, #used_cars, #satire, #UKpolitics