Now Fairies Will Treat Your Heart Attack? Give Me a Break, Please!

The Almighty Gob, aka John Langley (the Bristol based author/blogger on fairies running the front-line of our beloved NHS.

For those who aren't familiar with the Scottish Numpty Party's (SNP) latest record-breaking attempt to be entered into the ‘Guinness Book of Fuckwits’ (Woke Edition) is the introduction of a draconian piece of legislation, whereby non-crime 'hate incidents' will be recorded against our Celtic friends, and, YES, could be subject to disclosure under an enhanced criminal records check for those volunteering or seeking employment may be asked to produce.

Well, given my record of outspokenness that's me screwed should I ever choose to venture anywhere north of Hadrian's Wall again, in case Mel Gibson suddenly resurrects himself in the role of William Wallace does the highland fling and tosses my caber into oblivion somewhere between St Kilda and the Faroes.

However, given that my caber has been tossed plentifully in the past already I don't really feel Scotland has enough to sufficiently draw me back again. After all, what has Scotland got that England hasn't? Alcohol and drug addiction? Er, no. Refugees? Er, no. Damp, cold, bleak weather?

Er, no. Potholes? Er, no. Homelessness? Err, no. Crime? Er, no. Howling winds, Yes. Men in skirts? Well, yes, and no, as we have similar south of the border. Except here we call them 'trans', and for an entirely different reason. Was that a non-crime 'hate incident' - by the way? Just checking. Like I give a rodent's rectum as I'm in England.

So, boo-hoo! Extradite this Sassenach at your leisure. I'll wait and don't say I didn't warn you. Proceed from now at your own risk. That's my disclaimer. Oh, and neither will I take any responsibility for your involuntary bowel movements. So there.

Meanwhile, all of us still continent and present - aka grown-ups, will perfectly understand how ludicrous and unnecessarily time-consuming non-crime-related incidents are for the already short-staffed and overworked police, on the basis that a minority just happen to feel oh-so offended. If, by chance, you've also been reading back through my previous blogs you'll know

full well I blame the millennials for most of the bullshit Gen X-Z are responsible for now. It also goes some way towards explaining how what was once a police 'force' (to be reckoned with) has subsequently morphed into a police 'service' (like social services, except with a warrant card) to assist those who for the most part, it seems, are emotionally incontinent.

Threats of harm and violence to someone will always be wholly unacceptable, and in such instances, I totally get these as being 'hate crime' incidents, and the full force of the law must be implemented. However, there are certain people who deserve to be mowed down by a combine harvester and baled for the buzzards to peck at throughout the winter months.

People my Irish ancestors would be calling 'Eejots' with the 'F' word preceding it. One particular person who, with clearly sod all else to do with their time. Perhaps even, well and truly overpaid for finding things to overcomplicate life even more than it is already, has to be another jobsworth who fits the entirely unnecessary role of 'Equality, Diversity and other Bullshit Officer' within the NHS, and introduced the following terminology for the purpose of confusing people far more than they are already under the entirely fashionable, bullshit-fantasy heading of self-identity.

So, cop for this lot of uselessly irrelevant nonsense. Are you ready?

Abrosexual (freely choose different romantic and sexual partners or no partners at all).

Greyromantic (people who feel a limited, or certain romantic attraction to others).

Endosex (someone whose innate sex characteristics fit normative medical ideas for male or female bodies).

Demiromantic (someone who does not experience romantic attraction until after a close emotional bond has been formed).

Alloromantic (people who experience romantic attraction).

Abroromantic (a person who may want to have a romantic relationship but not necessarily want to have sex).

Now, if that doesn't befuddle your brain cells as to why the above is necessary in the first place, there's more!

Respondents can also choose, and try not to split your sides laughing, pronouns such as "fae/faer/faers", and suddenly we're entering the ludicrous territory of people considering themselves as 'fairies'. Life doesn't get much better, does it? Imagine rolling up in a blue light ambulance to A&E because you're having a coronary, and you're greeted by a fairy who waves a magic wand and, suddenly, you're all better and jogging home again within minutes. NHS crisis sorted, or what?

Don't you feel a whole lot better in general now, knowing that following many years of our beloved NHS being in decline, just like in pantomime the fairies have come to the rescue with not so much as a Government Health Secretary or other Minister in sight, and no exclamations of "he/she is behind you" either?

Was all of that enough for a sudden seizure of rationality within you, in one of those "did that just happen" moments? No, well hold tight for another minute while a further assault on your brain is imposed, as there's more.

The pronouns of pronouns to international bullshit champion level are -hold on tight now, "xe/xer", and let's not forget perhaps the greatest of all "xears". To which my response, and possibly yours will be 'WTAF'. A term that needs no explanation at all.

For those of you still gripping the seat with buttock cheeks primed and ready to learn what a "xe/xer/xear is,

I won't delay your enthusiasm to learn any longer and hope you will sleep sounder knowing that it's nothing more than pretentious terminology for gender-neutral.

Will someone sane please tell me, and others reading this, how the hell humanity managed perfectly well to survive without all this bullshit until the millennial’s progeny and progeny of progeny came along to screw everything up through learning something called self-entitlement?

Still, as long as we have those self-entitled faeries, or is it fairies running the front line of our NHS there's hope for us all, isn't there?