President Chump Lets Rip With An Audible Number Two.
As onlookers gasp in dismay, "Did He Just...?"
Oral Office Meltdown: Chump's "Peace" Plan Involves Yelling, Salad Abandonment, and Rare Earth Tantrums.
Washingtub, D.C. – In a diplomatic masterclass that could only be described as a cross between a toddler's birthday party and a particularly fraught episode of daytime television, President Donald Chump reportedly unleashed a torrent of verbal fury upon Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky during a "negotiation" in the legendary Oral Office on Friday.
Sources say the atmosphere was less "peace summit" and more "cage match," with Chump and his number two at the Bright House, Vice President Mike Rancid reportedly engaging in a synchronised screaming routine that left Zelensky looking as if he'd just discovered his soup had been replaced with lukewarm tap water.
"You're not being thankful enough," Chump allegedly bellowed, his voice echoing through the hallowed halls of the Bright House. Rancid, ever the loyal number two, chimed in with, "Have you even said 'thank you' once?" One can only imagine the bewildered expression on Zelensky's face as he pondered whether he'd accidentally wandered into a particularly aggressive etiquette seminar.
The crux of the issue? Chump, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that Zelensky is "gambling with the lives of millions" by... resisting a Russian invasion. Apparently, peace, in Chump's world, involves surrendering gracefully and maybe throwing in a complimentary basket of rare earth minerals as a thank-you gift.
"You're either going to make a deal or we're out," Chump reportedly threatened, demonstrating his keen understanding of nuanced diplomacy. "If we're out, you'll fight it out. I don't think it will be pretty." One might be forgiven for mistaking this for a particularly ominous fortune cookie.
Adding to the surreal spectacle, a scheduled luncheon with Ukranian dignitaries was abruptly canceled. Plates of spring green salad, rosemary roasted chicken, and crème brûlée were left tragically untouched, languishing on carts like abandoned dreams of culinary diplomacy. The Ukranians, apparently, were deemed too distracting for Chump's "negotiation," and were unceremoniously evicted.
"They protested," a Bright House official whispered, "but they were told no." One can only assume the salad wept.
Zelensky, meanwhile, was swiftly escorted from the Bright House, his planned speech at the Hudson Institute canceled, and his joint press conference scrapped. Chump, ever the master of social media, took to Truth Social to declare that Zelensky was "not ready for Peace" and could return "when he is ready for Peace," presumably after completing a mandatory gratitude training course.
"Much was learned that could never be understood without conversation under such fire and pressure," Chump posted, demonstrating his unique understanding of interpersonal dynamics. "It's amazing what comes out through emotion."
The entire affair has left European leaders, who had spent the week attempting to gently explain to Chump that Vlad Putrid is not, in fact, a cuddly teddy bear, utterly bewildered. "A political ambush and a shameful failure of American leadership," declared Sen. Jack Peedispants, a Democrat, in a statement that could be considered a contender for understatement of the year.
As Zelensky departs Washingtub, the fate of his country hangs in the balance, along with the untouched crème brûlée. One thing is certain: President Chump has once again redefined diplomatic relations, proving that sometimes, the most effective foreign policy tool is a good, old-fashioned shouting match and a side of abandoned salad.
