The Almighty Gob Channels The Almighty God: If The Creator Wrote a Blog.
After billions of years, God finally breaks his silence on humanity's spectacular failure.
You know, when I set this whole thing in motion—the spinning rock, the water, the precisely calibrated distance from that star—I had certain expectations. Not detailed blueprints, mind you. I’m not a micromanager. But I figured after giving you lot a few million years to work out the basics, you’d have grasped some fundamental concepts by now.
The instructions were simple. Absurdly simple. Don’t kill each other. Share the resources. Look after the planet that’s keeping you alive. Treat others how you’d like to be treated. I mean, I even made that last one instinctive—wired it right into your neural architecture. A toddler can grasp these concepts.
And yet here I am, billions of years later, scratching my head and wondering where the fuck I went wrong.
What God Actually Provided: The Simple Brief Humanity Ignored.
When I created humankind, I gave you food. Abundant food. Enough to feed everyone multiple times over if you just distributed it sensibly. I gave you shelter—materials to build with, land to build on, everything you needed to keep warm and dry. I gave you heat and light—the sun, fire, energy sources you could harness. And I gave you enough brainpower to work the rest out for yourselves.
I also gave you one version of me. One God. One simple concept: there’s something bigger than you, try to be decent, look after each other. That was it. Clean. Simple. Universal.
And look how you’ve hashed this up.
Religious Fragmentation: How Humanity Turned One God Into Thousands of Competing Franchises.
You’ve divided me into all manner of different faiths and beliefs. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism—and that’s before we get into the thousands of sub-sects within each one, all convinced they’ve got the monopoly on truth and everyone else is going to hell. You’ve taken one simple concept and fractured it into competing franchises, each claiming exclusive access to my attention.
So yet again, you’re not satisfied with something simple. You have to completely cock up me and what was supposed to be one simple system, one simple belief, and made it all about you!
Your ego couldn’t handle the idea that maybe—just maybe—everyone’s trying to reach the same destination using different maps. No, your version has to be right, which means everyone else’s has to be wrong. And you’ll kill each other to prove it.
The Crusades. The Inquisition. Burning people alive for heresy. Flying planes into buildings. Entire centuries of bloodshed, all in my name. All whilst claiming to follow the same basic instruction: don’t be an arsehole to each other. I said love thy neighbour, and you heard “unless they pray differently, then murder them and take their land.”
And it’s not just the violence. You’ve turned me into a business model. Televangelists fleecing pensioners out of their last pennies whilst promising them divine favour, living in mansions and flying in private jets—apparently, I’m very concerned about their comfort whilst the people funding it can’t afford heating. Kenneth Copeland alone is worth over $760 million, living in a tax-exempt $7 million mansion whilst claiming to represent my will. Megachurches pass around collection plates while preaching about how wealth is a sign of my blessing. If I wanted you to be rich, I wouldn’t have made my main representative a homeless carpenter who hung around with prostitutes and fishermen.
You’ve built golden cathedrals and ornate temples whilst people starve outside their doors. You’ve hoarded wealth in the Vatican whilst claiming to represent a man who said it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. You’ve twisted “give to the poor” into prosperity gospel bollocks that says being poor is a moral failing and being rich means I like you best.
I gave you one God, and you’ve turned me into a weapon. A justification for your tribalism. A divine rubber stamp for whatever prejudices you already held. A marketing tool. A tax dodge. A political cudgel. A reason to feel superior to everyone else.
Modern Identity Politics: Gender Ideology and the Narcissism Epidemic.
Here we are in 2025, and you’re still having screaming matches about whose invisible friend is better, whilst simultaneously arguing about pronouns and demanding special privileges based on how you feel about your genitals on any given Tuesday. Let me get this straight: you’ve got nuclear weapons, artificial intelligence, and the ability to edit genes, but you’ve decided the critical issues of our time are validating everyone’s internal sense of self-importance regardless of biological reality and proving your interpretation of me is the correct one?
I gave you two brain hemispheres. I didn’t specify you had to use them.
How did we get here? I gave you one simple job: survive and try not to be complete arseholes to each other whilst doing it. That’s it. That was the entire brief. And somehow—somehow—you’ve turned it into this apocalyptic circus of ego-driven stupidity where you can’t even agree on what a woman is anymore, let alone who I am or what I want.
I gave you a pretty straightforward biological system: men with a penis, women with a vagina. Simple. Functional. Worked perfectly well for millennia. And you’ve turned it into this circus where people demand you celebrate their decision to reject material reality, insist you call them by made-up pronouns, accommodate them in spaces designed for the opposite sex, and grant them special privileges based purely on their feelings.
The Crisis Priority Problem: Why Humanity Focuses on Pronouns While the Planet Burns.
The truly spectacular part is how you’ve turned this into a civilisation-defining battle. You’ve got actual crises—people starving whilst food rots in warehouses, people homeless whilst buildings stand empty, people freezing whilst energy companies post record profits—and you’re spending legislative time debating whether someone’s feelings about their gender should override everyone else’s right to single-sex spaces, and whether your particular interpretation of my will should dictate everyone else’s behaviour.
It’s performative narcissism masquerading as civil rights and religious conviction, and you’re all eating it up because egos demand to be centred in every conversation.
The Ego Problem: How Self-Awareness Became Humanity’s Fatal Flaw.
Where did I go wrong? Did I make the ego too strong? Is that it? I thought self-awareness would help you grow, learn, and adapt. Instead, you’ve weaponised it into a pathological need to be validated in everything, all the time, regardless of reality. Your egos have become so monstrous that demanding the entire world reorganise itself around your personal identity or your personal interpretation of me has become normalised.
So instead of accepting biological reality and getting on with actual problems, you double down. You demand everyone else participate in your self-conception, police their language, restructure their institutions, and if they don’t? You destroy them. Call them bigots or heretics. Get them fired. Ruin their lives. All because your ego can’t handle the possibility that your feelings don’t override material reality, or that your version of me might not be the only valid one.
This wasn’t in the design specifications. This is a bug you’ve turned into a feature and then demanded everyone celebrate.
Political Tribalism: How Governance Became Ego-Driven Theatre.
Your politics? I genuinely don’t understand what happened here. I gave you the ability to reason, to compromise, to find solutions that work for everyone. I gave you abundant resources—food, shelter, heat, light—and the brainpower to distribute them fairly. Instead, you’ve turned governance into tribal warfare where the most marginal identity claims get prioritised over the material needs of millions, and where invoking my name gets you votes regardless of how spectacularly you’re failing at the basics.
You don’t actually care about solving problems; you care about your team winning. I watch your politicians—these preening, self-important peacocks—pandering to every niche identity group’s demands whilst claiming to represent my will, all whilst actual working people can’t afford the food, shelter, heat, and light I provided in abundance. And you vote for them. You reward this behaviour.
This is the bit that’s really got me scratching my head: I made cooperation beneficial. I made it the optimal strategy for survival. I gave you everything you needed and the brainpower to work out the rest. And you’ve somehow convinced yourselves that fragmenting into increasingly smaller identity categories and religious factions, each demanding special treatment and claiming divine authority, is the way forward. How? How did you get this so spectacularly backwards?
Economic Inequality: Billionaires in Space While People Starve.
The economy—Christ, the economy. I provided food, shelter, heat, light, and finite resources to distribute. Not perfectly, I’m not naive, but at least functionally. Instead, you’ve built a monument to ego where billionaires build penis-shaped rockets to joy-ride in space whilst people die from rationing insulin, from cold, from hunger—from lacking the basic provisions I made abundant.
Where did I go wrong here? These grotesquely wealthy ego-maniacs could solve homelessness tomorrow with pocket change. They could feed everyone, house everyone, and ensure everyone has heat and light. But instead, they’re in a dick-measuring contest to see who can accumulate the most zeroes in their bank account. And you celebrate them! Some of you even claim they’re blessed by me, as if hoarding wealth whilst others starve is somehow divine approval.
The world’s billionaires increased their wealth by $2 trillion in 2024, whilst 733 million people lack sufficient calories. America’s richest 1% now hold over 30% of the nation’s wealth, whilst the bottom 50% hold just 2.5%. This isn’t an accident—it’s a choice you’ve made to prioritise ego over survival.
War and Violence: Ego-Driven Conflict in My Name.
The wars continue because egos can’t back down. Two leaders, both refusing to lose face, will send thousands to die rather than admit error. And half the time they’re doing it in my name! I gave you language specifically so you could resolve disputes without violence. I gave you brainpower to work out peaceful solutions. You’ve got every tool you need for peaceful resolution, and you choose carnage because losing face is apparently worse than losing lives. And you justify it by claiming I’m on your side.
What did I miss? Where was the design flaw that led to this?
Social Media: The Ego-Validation Machine Destroying Society.
Your entire media ecosystem is designed to service egos. Social media isn’t social; it’s an ego-validation machine. You post your opinions—uninformed, half-baked opinions about everything from gender to religion to politics—and wait for the likes to roll in, confirming that yes, you are indeed the most oppressed, most valid, most righteous person in your echo chamber.
I gave you tools to connect, to share knowledge, to understand different perspectives. I gave you the brainpower to use them wisely. You’ve built rage machines that feed you exactly what your ego wants: content that confirms you’re a victim or a prophet, everyone else is a bigot or a heretic, and you’re the enlightened one who deserves special consideration or divine favour.
Climate Crisis: Denying Reality Because Ego Can’t Handle Being Wrong.
The climate crisis persists because admitting it would require admitting that your entire way of life needs to change. I gave you one planet. One. With food, shelter, heat, light, and very specific conditions necessary for your survival. And you’re cooking it because your egos can’t handle the idea that you might need to adjust your behaviour. Some of you even claim I gave you dominion over the earth as permission to destroy it. That’s not what dominion means, you idiots. That means stewardship. Looking after it. Not strip-mining it into oblivion.
This was supposed to be simple: don’t destroy the thing keeping you alive. That’s not advanced physics. That’s basic cause and effect. I gave you the brainpower to work this out. And yet you’d rather deny reality itself than accept that you might be wrong.
The Validation Crisis: Why Everyone Demands the World Revolve Around Them.
The ego required to demand the entire world reorganise itself around your personal identity crisis or your particular interpretation of divine will is breathtaking. The ego required to claim you’re oppressed or persecuted whilst demanding everyone else lose their boundaries, their language, their single-sex spaces, or their right to believe differently—all to validate you—is staggering.
I gave you empathy. The ability to understand that other people’s experiences and needs might be different from yours. You’ve replaced it with ego-driven demands that everyone prioritise your feelings over their own safety, dignity, material reality, and spiritual beliefs.
The spectacular irony? The same people screaming about “being your authentic self” or “following the true faith” are the ones most invested in forcing everyone else to participate in their fiction or conform to their dogma. It’s not about freedom; it’s about ego. It’s about demanding the world validate you, no matter the cost to everyone else.
The Simple Truth Humanity Refuses to Accept.
Here’s the thing: I didn’t make you the centre of the universe. I made you part of an interconnected system where your survival depends on cooperation, empathy, and recognising that other people’s needs matter as much as your feelings. I gave you food, shelter, heat, light, one simple concept of me, and the brainpower to work out how to share it all fairly.
But that requires setting aside ego. And you’d rather burn it all down than do that.
So here I am, watching you speedrun extinction because you can’t accept reality, can’t compromise, can’t prioritise actual survival over validation, and can’t tell the difference between civil rights, religious conviction, and narcissistic demands. You’re arguing about pronouns whilst people starve. You’re demanding validation whilst the planet burns. You’re killing each other over whose version of me is correct, whilst the basic provisions I gave you go to waste. You’re building golden temples to my glory whilst the homeless freeze outside. You’re fragmenting into tribal warfare over identity and theology whilst ignoring the simple instructions I gave you.
Perhaps It’s Time for a Reboot: The Manual Humanity Actually Needs.
Look, I’m considering coming back down there. I know, I know—the second coming is apparently long overdue. In my defence, it’s been a choice between laziness and giving up. Honestly? A bit of both. Every time I’ve thought about returning, I’ve checked in on your progress and thought, “Maybe give them another century to sort themselves out.” Then another century passes, and somehow you’ve made things worse.
But at a certain point, a creator has to take responsibility. So fine. Not with tablets of stone or burning bushes this time—clearly, the dramatic approach didn’t work. Maybe I need to write an actual manual. Something idiot-proof. With diagrams. And a troubleshooting section.
Forget the commandments. You lot turned those into a greatest hits album that you cherry-pick from depending on which bits justify your existing prejudices. “Thou shalt not kill” somehow doesn’t apply during wars you’ve decided are righteous. “Love thy neighbour” apparently has an asterisk with terms and conditions.
No, this time I’m thinking something more along the lines of:
“The Really Very Simple Guide to Not Cocking Everything Up: A Manual for Humans Who Apparently Need Everything Spelt Out.”
Chapter One: Food and Shelter Are Not Difficult Concepts
Chapter Two: Sharing Is Actually Easier Than Hoarding
Chapter Three: Your Ego Is Not the Centre of the Universe
Chapter Four: How to Disagree Without Murdering Each Other
Chapter Five: The Planet Keeps You Alive, So Stop Breaking It
Chapter Six: There’s One of Me, Stop Making Up Versions to Suit Your Agenda
Chapter Seven: Other People’s Genitals Are None of Your Business
Chapter Eight: Yes, Really, None of Your Business
I’d include a glossary defining terms like “cooperation,” “empathy,” and “basic fucking logic.” Maybe some FAQs: “But what if I want to hoard billions whilst others starve?” Answer: “Don’t.” “But what if someone prays differently than me?” Answer: “Not your problem.” “But what if I feel very strongly that my opinion should override material reality?” Answer: “Tough.”
Of course, I’d need to time the return carefully. Can’t show up whilst the pubs are still open—you lot would think I’m a hallucination and carry on regardless. And definitely not before 9 am when the students are still in bed—they’d sleep through the second coming and then claim I never showed up because they didn’t see it on TikTok.
Maybe a Tuesday afternoon. Mid-week. After lunch but before rush hour. When people are sober enough to pay attention but miserable enough to be receptive to change.
I’d bring printed copies. Laminated, probably. Can’t risk you lot “interpreting” the text differently in each region and starting more wars over font choices. Simple language. No metaphors—you’ve demonstrated repeatedly that you’ll take those literally when it suits you and ignore them when it doesn’t.
And this time? This time, I’m making you sign a receipt. Acknowledgement of understanding. No more “but we didn’t know” or “it was open to interpretation” or “that’s just your opinion.” You’ll have explicit, written, impossible-to-misunderstand instructions for how not to destroy yourselves and everything around you.
Though knowing you lot, you’d probably turn the manual into another religion, build golden statues of the book, charge people to read it, and within a generation you’d have seventeen different sects arguing over whether I meant A4 or Letter size paper.
Maybe I’ll just send an email.
Then again, you’d probably mark it as spam.
Where Did The Creator Go Wrong?
Where did I go wrong? Was the ego too strong? The tribalism too hard-wired? Did I give you too much intelligence without enough wisdom? Too much self-awareness without enough humility? Did I give you too much brainpower without building in the common sense to use it properly? Should I have been more specific about there being one of me, not thousands of competing interpretations to monetise and weaponise?
Or maybe—and this is what really keeps me up at night—maybe I just didn’t account for how spectacularly you’d miss the point of the entire exercise.
The instructions were simple. Absurdly simple. I gave you food, shelter, heat, light, one version of me, and enough brainpower to work the rest out for yourselves.
And look how it’s ended up.
Perhaps it’s time to try again. With pictures this time.
And a really, really big font.
About this piece: This satirical commentary examines humanity’s failure to follow basic instructions for survival and cooperation, exploring themes of religious hypocrisy, gender ideology, political tribalism, economic inequality, climate denial, and ego-driven society through the hypothetical perspective of a disappointed creator. For more brutally honest accountability journalism and cultural commentary, subscribe to The Almighty Gob.