The Answer, My Friends, Is Blowing Out The Wind.

Who knew that there are 176 different farting noises? Not me! Apparently, though there are, according to a scientific study by sound professionals Bose in conjunction with scientist Dr Helen Pilcher.

Don't ask how I got wind of this, or where my thinking was at the time as I haven't so much as a Scooby Doo. So, I'll put it down to the extreme brain fog I've been experiencing since the onset of my present head cold that saw my nose streaming faster than any Thames Water mains pipe busting out from the A4 road tarmac. Yet, somehow through the delerium of it all the one and only dominant feature of my thought process was farting. I could better understand if it was matters of UK current affairs, Trump v Biden, or the mating ritual of the tsetse fly in the heat of the Swahili valley. But no, somehow it was farting that captured my intrigue.

The fact that my neurodivergent brain works in ways that otherwise normal human beings, by comparison, will process far differently, may act as a pointer under such circumstances. Or, just maybe it was the fact that the scientific formula F = (I x L)S x k (A x g) got me hooked on further investigation. Like who would actually do this, and why? Among the great scientific breakthroughs in history, such as the discovery of penicillin, for example, or the molecular structure of DNA, how would the study of farts further advance humankind?

So, come on, admit it, you're curious too now, right? Even though, in the back of your mind a little voice is telling you this will be the most totally pointless piece of information you'll learn today. Well, apparently, the formula for explaining this to us ignoramuses - of which I'm one, is thus in full form.

F = (I x L)S x k

(A x g)

I = Intensity of the fart (dB)

L = Length of fart (sec)

S = Social embarrassment (rated on a scale of 1 to 3)

k = Number of kids present

A = Age of the listener (years)

g = Gender factor: If female, multiply by 1.05

To be honest, like yourself I've never been one to consider any passing of wind from my rear end in terms of decibels, but I suppose it makes sense. Neither have I ever considered measuring the length of time it takes me to do so by means of a stopwatch, as one would perhaps in a competition with others. There again, maybe I did when I was at school with the other lads. However, it's the sort of challenge I think all schools should introduce in science classes aided by eating certain foods as a prerequisite, especially in the knowledge that an Ofsted inspector happens to be visiting on that day, As that would be one report I'd 'love' to read!

According to 'Australian Mens Health (May 1st, 2021) -

"A video, which was posted by a doctor known under the account name Mad Medicine, claims that in 1998 there was a study done that tried to clarify what was contained in flatulence and what the difference was between men and women.

It revealed that while men fart more wind on average than women, it was the females that had a higher concentration of Hydrogen sulfide, which is the ingredient that makes your farts, well, stink."

Now, if all that wasn't enough for you, read on, as women fart a whole lot differently to men, for which I'll break silence. And, according to Dr Pitcher, it's all to do with the comedic effect of sound.

"A 'gender factor' means that any fart is likely to be found 5% funnier by men than women. Unsurprisingly, age is important with kids finding farts 23% funnier than adults, but with young adults 18-24yr olds being the least amused. The amusement of kids proved infectious with adults scoring sounds 25% funnier when kids are around. Dr Pilcher and her team concluded that socially embarrassing farts are funniest with messy-sounding, wet wind being more awkward than a dry delivery. A fart among friends is far less comic than a TV presenter letting one slip live on air."

Now you know, my friends. I hope you'll sleep a whole lot better tonight for knowing this. As I read back I only wish I'd discovered this on April Fools Day, as for sure, it would have been taken as a prank.

However, all can be verified via the following links. Enjoy -

Dr Pilcher/Bose/Beano - https://bit.ly/3VOlnrN

Australian Mens Health: https://bit.ly/3TRdaQY