The Black Houdini. Britain lost 50,000 migrants. Then lost him too.
How Chelmsford Prison's cock-up exposed 50,000 absconded migrants and Britain's real deportation weapon: institutional food.
So let me get this straight. We’ve got a migrant who’s gone AWOL—that’s military speak for “we fucked up and lost him”—wandering around the Essex-London border somewhere. And how did this fine gentleman come to be enjoying an unscheduled walking tour of the English countryside?
Chelmsford Prison mistakenly released him.
MISTAKENLY.
You know what? I make mistakes. I put salt in my coffee sometimes. But I don’t mistakenly open locked doors and wave goodbye to people who are supposed to be INSIDE THE LOCKED BUILDING.
Meet the Black Houdini.
They released him with everything he owns packed into one of those clear plastic carrier bags. So now we’ve got a guy who’s extremely tall, Black, wearing prison tracksuit bottoms, shuffling around with a plastic bag, and he’s managed to pull off a Houdini-level disappearing act.
Let’s give credit where it’s due. This man is the BLACK HOUDINI. Houdini got out of locked boxes. Our man? He got released FROM THE FRONT DOOR and STILL vanished into thin air. He’s got every cop in England looking for him, distinctively tall, wearing PRISON CLOTHES, carrying a see-through bag, and he’s STILL gone.
POOF. Vanished.
The Real Reason Migrants Keep Absconding.
Maybe—just MAYBE—the Black Houdini took one look at what passes for food in British detention centres and thought, “I’ll take my chances with the Channel crossing again.”
This man is Ethiopian. He comes from a country with injera, doro wat, kitfo—ACTUAL CUISINE with history and flavour. And what does Her Majesty’s Prison Service serve him? Beans on toast. Or maybe spam, egg, and chips.
Is it any wonder the man disappeared?
And the Afghans in UK detention? They’re from the region that INVENTED kebabs. Thousands of years of culinary tradition. And Britain can’t even be bothered to order them a takeaway version of their own cuisine. It would literally be easier to ring up the local kebab shop, but no. That would require thinking about the human beings they’re feeding.
This isn’t about asylum. This isn’t about immigration policy. These people aren’t escaping from the British justice system—they’re escaping from BRITISH FOOD.
The Numbers Nobody Wants to Talk About.
Now we’ve got the Metropolitan Police, every police force in the country, and the security services all chasing one extremely tall guy in prison gear with a see-through bag.
THE ENTIRE BRITISH LAW ENFORCEMENT APPARATUS looking for ONE GUY that THEY LET OUT.
But here’s the thing: this isn’t a one-off. This is STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE. The Black Houdini isn’t even the first—he’s just the latest in a LONG line.
Want to know how many migrants went missing from UK custody? Buckle up.
Nearly 500 foreign national offenders absconded whilst subject to deportation action between 2014 and March 2016. (Migration Watch UK) Over HALF of them—395 to be exact—had been missing since BEFORE 2010. Fifty-eight were classified as “high harm offenders.” (Migration Watch UK)
And in late 2016? Over 50,000 migrants were deemed to have absconded. (Migration Watch UK)
FIFTY. THOUSAND.
That’s enough people to fill Wembley Stadium twice.
A Grand British Tradition.
The Black Houdini with his carrier bag? He’s not an anomaly. He’s part of a GRAND BRITISH TRADITION of letting people wander off whilst we’re supposed to be keeping track of them—probably in search of decent food.
In 2018, nobody absconded whilst being detained under immigration powers, compared with 3 people in 2017. (GOV.UK) ‘THREE’ people. That’s the official number they’re willing to admit to. Out of THOUSANDS entering detention every year. Either they’ve suddenly got brilliant at their jobs, or they’ve just stopped counting properly.
Here we are, living in the golden age of governmental competence, where prisons are just hotels with aggressive checkout policies, detention centres are suggestions, and “mistakenly released“ is perfectly acceptable official language.
The Vanishing Act.
How distinctive do you have to look to STILL vanish in modern Britain with CCTV cameras on every corner?
The Black Houdini didn’t tunnel out. He didn’t scale walls. He walked out the FRONT DOOR because someone held it open for him. And THEN he performed his real magic trick: disappearing. Probably to find actual Ethiopian food before his taste buds filed for political asylum.
He’s joined thousands who’ve done the same. Maybe they’ve formed a support group. “Hi, I’m Abdul, and I absconded after mushy peas for the fifth day running. The irony? I’m from the country that invented kebabs, and they couldn’t even order me one from the takeaway.”
A Culinary Revolution.
At this point, going AWOL from British immigration custody isn’t a security breach. It’s a CULINARY PROTEST. It’s a GASTRONOMIC REVOLUTION. The Black Houdini is just the newest graduate of the “I’d Rather Be Illegal Than Eat Another Boiled Vegetable” school of thought.
God bless the British criminal justice system. Making mistakes with confidence since, you know, forever. And making the SAME mistakes. Over and over. With the SAME terrible food.
Because why learn from your errors when you can just keep losing people like car keys? And why improve the menu—or even just pick up the phone and order takeaway—when you can keep serving food that makes people willing to risk deportation to escape it?
Maybe—just MAYBE—if we want to keep track of these people, we should start by serving them food that doesn’t make them want to flee the country.
Hell, just order them a kebab from the local shop. It’s not rocket science.
Key Facts:
Nearly 500 foreign national offenders absconded between 2014-2016 Migration Watch UK
Over 50,000 migrants absconded in late 2016 Migration Watch UK
The Black Houdini remains at large despite a nationwide manhunt
Metropolitan Police and security services are actively searching