The Bristolvision Song Contest: A One-Off Spectacle (Thank Goodness!)
Ooh Aah... Just a Little Bit (of Bristol Eurovision!)
About a month ago, hearing a past Eurovision entry on the radio reminded me that this year's contest was just around the corner. That sparked an idea: what would a Bristol version look like as a blog post? Eagle-eyed readers might have noticed my recent posts weren't daily – that's because I embarked on an intense and mentally exhausting project to compile this Bristol-centric contest. Given the detail I've poured into it, and with Eurovision weekend upon us, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed creating it.
Forget the glitz of Eurovision – this year, the real (and arguably far more bizarre) musical showdown has landed squarely in the heart of the People's Republic of Bristol. Inspired by the very best (and often worst) of European song competitions, the vibrant (and sometimes bewildering) tapestry of our city's politics, and the sheer, unadulterated Bristolness of its inhabitants, we proudly present: The Bristolvision Song Contest! Prepare yourselves for a night of questionable melodies, staging that ranges from inspired to utterly baffling, and lyrics that could only ferment in the creative (and occasionally cider-soaked) minds of Bristolians. Rest assured, this is a one-off. For everyone's sake.
Here are the 23... unique entries vying for the coveted Golden Seagull award in this thankfully singular event:
1. The Metro Mayors - "Ode to the One-Way System"
Staging: A colossal, serpentine model of Bristol's one-way labyrinth, complete with perpetually gridlocked toy cars. The band, clad in oversized suits and flashing traffic-light ties, navigate this tarmac torment.
Style: Frantic Ska with brass interruptions and vocals dripping with traffic-induced exasperation.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Woke up this morning, felt a hopeful vibe, Thought I'd nip to Clifton, feeling rather alive. But the signs they mocked me, a cruel, twisting game, Another left turn, it all feels the same. Oh, One-Way System, you're a riddle, a curse,
2. The Clean Air Collective - "Diesel Dreams in a Low Emission Zone"
Staging: The stage is initially shrouded in a smoggy haze, which dramatically clears to reveal an Eden of recycled cardboard trees and beaming blue projections. The band members float in billowy, ethically sourced white and green fabrics.
Style: Ethereal Synth-Pop with breathy vocals and the gentle chirping of digitally enhanced robins.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): In the low emission zone, our hearts beat clean and bright, Farewell to the fumes of yesterday, bathed in electric light. Diesel dreams are fading now, a whisper in the breeze, Breathing easy, finally, among the leafy trees.
3. The Parking Permit Poets - "My Zone A, My Burden"
Staging: Lone spotlight on the singer in a crumpled beige coat, clutching a sheaf of laminated parking regulations. A screen behind displays an ever-shifting kaleidoscope of permit zone maps.
Style: Melancholic Ballad with spoken word verses and a sighing chorus.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Another letter landed, crisp and official white, Demanding payment promptly, claiming it's my right. To park my humble vehicle, within this designated square, but the cost of Zone A living, it's almost too much to bear. Oh, permit dear, you hold the key,
4. The Stokes Croft Sound System - "Bassline in the Bearpit"
Staging: The stage explodes with vibrant street art projections, pulsating neon lights, and a haze of (organic, naturally sourced) smoke. DJs, MCs, and live instrumentalists are perched on scaffolding, creating a chaotic yet exhilarating visual.
Style: High-energy Drum and Bass with rapid-fire vocals and MCing that borders on philosophical.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): Bassline in the Bearpit, vibrating the ground, Stokes Croft rhythm, the freshest sound around. From Turbo Island's whispers to Jamaica Street's call, Let the beat drop harder, and unite us all!
5. The Clifton Suspension Bridge Singers - "Suspended in Bureaucracy"
Staging: A beautifully lit, if slightly swaying, miniature of the Clifton Suspension Bridge dominates the stage. The singers, in elegant Victorian-inspired attire, are strategically positioned along its span, their voices echoing with operatic frustration.
Style: Operatic Pop with soaring vocals and dramatic orchestral swells punctuated by the rustling of paperwork sound effects.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Brunel's vision, a marvel to behold, But the endless permissions, a story often told. Each rivet, each cable, a battle hard-won, Now the paperwork piles up, before the next one's begun. Oh, grand design, a vision bold,
6. The Vegan Vanguard - "Beyond the Tofu Curtain"
Staging: The stage is transformed into a lush, edible landscape, complete with oversized, glowing vegetables and cascading bean sprouts. The band members, radiating evangelical zeal, wear brightly coloured outfits crafted from sustainable hemp and perform with boundless energy.
Style: Upbeat Reggae with socially conscious lyrics and the occasional enthusiastic sprouting sound effect.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): Beyond the tofu curtain, a world so green and bright, Where plant-based power conquers, with all its glorious might. From Gloucester Road to Easton, the message rings so clear, A kinder plate for everyone, year after year!
7. The Congestion Chorus - "Roundabout of Regret"
Staging: The stage is a giant, multi-tiered roundabout with the band members positioned on different "exits," moving with the agonising slowness of rush hour traffic. Projected arrows emphasise the endless, circular misery.
Style: Slow, mournful Blues with harmonising vocals that blend into a collective sigh of frustration.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Sunrise creeping, gotta get to work on time, But the traffic's a monster, committing a daily crime. Stuck in this metal river, inching along the way, Another blooming roundabout stealing another part of my day. Oh, Roundabout of Regret, you spin me 'round,
8. The Bin Collection Balladeers - "Where Did My Recycling Go?"
Staging: The stage is a chaotic landscape of overflowing wheelie bins in various hues. The band members, dressed in slightly stained sanitation worker uniforms, sing with a mixture of bewilderment and weary resignation.
Style: Folk Ballad with a slightly comedic undertone and the mournful twang of a lone banjo.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): Oh, blue bin, black bin, where did you roam? My carefully sorted plastics have vanished from home. The schedule's a mystery, the rules I can't quite grasp, Leaving me with a mountain of uncollected scrap.
9. The Guerrilla Gardeners - "Anarchy in Ashley Down Allotments"
Staging: The stage erupts in a riot of unruly greenery, overflowing vegetable patches, and hand-painted signs proclaiming "Grow Your Own Revolution!". The band members, clad in patched-up gardening gear with punk rock flair, exude a defiant, earthy energy.
Style: Energetic Punk Rock with raw vocals and lyrics celebrating horticultural rebellion.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Concrete creeping, swallowing the green, But we're digging in deep, a radical scene. With forks and with trowels, we're taking back the land, Planting our freedom, with dirt on our hand. Anarchy in Ashley Down Allotments,
10. Marvin Reesurrection - "The Bristol Beacon's Been Re-Lit (Again)"
Staging: A grand model of the Bristol Beacon dominates the stage, bathed in shifting, dramatic lighting. The singer, suave in a perfectly tailored suit, stands centre stage with a knowing smile.
Style: Smooth R&B with a touch of self-aware swagger and a saxophone solo that speaks of civic pride (and perhaps a touch of weary relief).
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): The lights are on again, shining through the night, The music's playing softly, everything feels right. The Beacon's burning brightly, a symbol strong and true, Bristol's heart is beating, for me and for you.
11. The Cycling Supremacists - "Helmet Hair Don't Care"
Staging: The stage is transformed into a neon-lit cycle lane, complete with strategically placed potholes (for authenticity). The band members, clad in aerodynamic lycra and wildly decorated helmets, perform on stationary bikes with fervent intensity.
Style: Relentless Euro-Trance with repetitive, driving beats and robotic vocals occasionally punctuated by the whirring of bicycle gears.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Two wheels are turning, the city's my domain, Leaving the four-wheeled monsters stuck in their lane. Pedaling faster, a blur of pure speed, Helmet hair's the price, a glorious deed. Helmet hair don't care,
12. The Ethical Investment Ensemble - "Divest My Heart, Invest My Soul (Responsibly)"
Staging: The stage is adorned with symbols of renewable energy and fair trade practices. The band members, dressed in tasteful, ethically sourced attire, perform with earnest sincerity and gentle harmonies.
Style: Gentle Folk-Pop with acoustic instruments and lyrics that advocate for a morally sound financial future.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): Divest my heart from the darkness we've known, Invest my soul in the seeds we have sown. A future that's fairer, a world that's clean and bold, A responsible investment, a story to be told.
13. The Affordable Housing Harmony - "A Roof Over My Head (Maybe by 2040?)"
Staging: The stage features a series of increasingly small and precariously balanced model houses, reflecting the dwindling hope of finding affordable accommodation. The singers, dressed in muted colours, perform with a blend of wistful longing and weary resignation.
Style: Folk Ballad with a slow, melancholic tempo and harmonies that tug at the heartstrings (and the purse strings).
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Another application, another rejection slip, The rent keeps on rising, my future starts to slip. They talk of solutions, of building homes anew, But the waiting list stretches, as long as the eye can view. A roof overhead,
14. The UWE Urban Explorers - "Lost My Thesis in Frenchay"
Staging: The stage is a chaotic representation of a student halls common room, littered with empty pizza boxes, discarded textbooks, and bewildered-looking figures clutching half-written essays. The lead singer roams distractedly.
Style: Indie Rock with a slightly frantic energy and lyrics that capture the existential dread of academic deadlines.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): Lost my thesis in Frenchay, somewhere in the night, Surrounded by deadlines, and a flickering fluorescent light. The library's closing, my brain feels like goo, Oh, academic wilderness, what am I gonna do?
15. The Cardboard Kingdom Chorus - "Spare Change Symphony"
Staging: The stage is stark and bare, save for a few strategically placed cardboard shelters illuminated by the cold glow of streetlights. The performers, wrapped in blankets, create a hauntingly beautiful soundscape using found objects and their voices.
Style: A Capella/Folk Fusion with layered harmonies and rhythmic elements created from the tapping of coins and the rustling of cardboard.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Cold wind whispers down the empty street, Another night falls, the concrete my sheet. Hands outstretched, a silent, hopeful plea, For a little kindness, for you and for me. Coins in a cup,
16. The Dealers' Dilemma - "Supply Chain Serenade"
Staging: The stage is shrouded in shadows, with furtive figures exchanging small packages under the dim glow of simulated streetlamps. A sense of unease and illicit activity permeates the performance.
Style: Trip-Hop with a sinister, hypnotic beat and spoken word verses delivered in hushed tones.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): The network whispers, a shadow in the night, Moving the product, just trying to survive. From Easton's corners to Clifton's hidden walls, The supply chain serenade, answers nobody's calls.
17. The Addict's Anthem - "Chasing the Dragon in BS__"
Staging: A lone figure stands centre stage, bathed in a harsh, unforgiving spotlight. Projections behind them flicker with distorted images of the city and swirling, abstract patterns.
Style: Raw, emotionally charged Blues/Industrial Rock with a powerful, anguished vocal delivery that cracks with desperation.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Sunrise bleeds into another wasted day, The craving hits hard, won't go away. Down these familiar streets, I stumble and I crawl, Just searching for a fix, to forget it all. Another fix,
18. The Beggars' Ballad - "Empty Pockets, Echoing Streets"
Staging: The stage is bare except for a few weathered benches. Performers sit or stand with outstretched hands, their expressions conveying a profound sense of vulnerability and quiet resilience.
Style: Haunting Ballad with simple acoustic guitar and cello accompaniment, and vocals that carry the weight of unspoken stories.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): Empty pockets, echoing streets, the rhythm of sorrow my heart repeats. Faces pass by, a fleeting glance, lost in the city's indifferent dance.
19. The Placard Parade Posse - "What Are We Shouting?"
Staging: The stage is a chaotic explosion of brightly coloured, often grammatically questionable, placards bearing slogans ranging from the profound to the utterly bizarre. The performers march with varying degrees of enthusiasm and focus.
Style: Boisterous Marching Band/Oompah Polka with slightly off-key vocals and enthusiastic, if not entirely coherent, chanting.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): Got my cardboard, got my marker pen, Gonna stand up tall, again and again! Something's not right, gotta make a fuss, Join the procession, all of us! What are we shouting?
20. The Ethical Outfitters Ensemble - "My Hemp Tote Says It All"
Staging: The stage is a haven of sustainable chic, adorned with banners made from organic cotton and ethically sourced fairy lights. The performers, radiating serene conviction, wear impeccably fair-trade clothing and gently strum acoustic instruments.
Style: Gentle Acoustic Folk with earnest harmonies and lyrics brimming with environmental awareness and social justice buzzwords.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): My hemp tote says it all, a statement clear and true, I'm consciously consuming, how about you? From local produce to garments so fair, A sustainable future is beyond compare.
21. The Performance Protest Players - "Die-In for Deliveroo?"
Staging: The stage is a scene of theatrical chaos, with performers engaging in various forms of dramatic protest – spontaneous "die-ins," interpretive dance against corporate greed, and puppet shows with surprisingly complex narratives.
Style: Avant-Garde Performance Art with spoken word manifestos, unexpected bursts of noise, and dramatic, prolonged silences.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): (Lying dramatically on the floor) "The algorithm... it oppresses!" (Standing abruptly and reciting with intense passion) "We, the disenfranchised delivery riders, demand equitable remuneration and the abolition of surge pricing! Observe our silent suffering!"
22. The Fairweather Frontline - "Sunshine Solidarity"
Staging: The stage is bathed in warm, artificial sunlight, with performers lounging on picnic blankets, casually holding their protest signs. A distinct air of relaxed commitment permeates the scene.
Style: Breezy Indie Pop with catchy melodies and lyrics that prioritize good vibes and mild activism.
Sample Lyrics (Chorus): Sunshine solidarity, a beautiful day to care, Holding our banners high, breathing in the fresh air. We'll stand here for a little while, until the clouds roll in, Then maybe grab an ice cream, where the real fun can begin.
23. The Cargo Hold Collective - "Toppled in the Avon"
Staging: The stage is dramatically lit, with powerful projections of the Colston statue against the backdrop of the harbour. The performers, a diverse group in contemporary and historical attire, move with a sense of shared purpose and quiet determination.
Style: Powerful Choral Anthem with spoken word elements and a building intensity that culminates in a cathartic release.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): For too long he stood, a shadow on our past, A monument to sorrow, a wound that wouldn't last. The whispers grew louder, the anger found its voice, A city demanding a different choice. Generations silenced.
24. Lord Marvin's Backhand Band - "The Strategic Silence Symphony"
Explanation: This band's name plays on the perception that while Marvin Rees was often articulate and strategic, there were also times when he employed a "backhand" approach – perhaps through carefully chosen words, strategic silences, or a nuanced way of deflecting criticism. The "Backhand Band" suggests a group that might musically explore these more subtle and sometimes debated aspects of his political style.
Staging: The stage is sleek and minimalist, with carefully positioned microphones and subtle lighting shifts. The band members are dressed in sharp, modern attire, maintaining an air of composed professionalism. The backdrop features a large, abstract graphic that subtly shifts and rearranges, never quite revealing a clear image.
Style: Sophisticated Jazz Fusion with long instrumental passages, punctuated by occasional, carefully enunciated spoken word phrases. The music is intricate and often avoids direct, overt statements, creating a sense of thoughtful ambiguity.
Sample Lyrics (Spoken Word Interlude): (A deep, resonant voice) "...a considered pause... the complexities, as always... a nuanced perspective... the strategic imperative..." (The music swells again, avoiding a clear lyrical statement.)
25. The Barton Hill Blockaders - "No Through Road to My Soul"
Staging: The stage is set up as a mock residential street, complete with wheelie bins, traffic cones, and hand-painted signs protesting the LTN. Performers, dressed in a mix of everyday clothes and high-vis vests, stand defiantly in the "roadway".
Style: Gritty Garage Rock with raw vocals and a driving beat.
Sample Lyrics (First Verse): They came with their planters, and blocked off our street, Said it was for safety, but we can't get no sleep. Now the buses are diverted, and the traffic's a mess, No through road to my soul, this LTN's a test.
So, there you have it – the fully realised, lyrically enriched, and utterly Bristolian spectacle that is the Bristolvision Song Contest. I've now delved deeper into the sonic and lyrical landscapes of our city's quirks and convictions. As the final, slightly off-key chord fades into the Bristolian night, let's take a moment to reflect on the beautiful, bizarre tapestry of our home. And then, let's definitely, absolutely not do this again. Unless, of course, next year's theme is "Bristol's Best (and Worst) Potholes." Now, if you'll excuse me, I hear a sleep calling my name.