The Daily Trumpet, Reports On The World's Most Humble, And Publicity Shy President's Visit To Scotland.
A Scottish Sojourn: Trump's Humility Tour Blurs the Line Between Diplomacy and a Golf Day.
America's most publicity-shy politician, Donald J. Trump, has arrived in Scotland for what can only be described as a grandly understated private visit. Emerging from Air Force One with a humble declaration—"It's great to be in Scotland"—his phrase felt less like a greeting and more like a gentle suggestion for a new line of merchandise, even if MSGA doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
His arrival was a masterclass in quiet humility. After being greeted by Scottish Secretary Ian Murray and US Ambassador to the UK Warren Stephens, he was whisked away in a motorcade so immense it made rush hour traffic look like a leisurely stroll. The motorcade, flanked by Police Scotland and ambulance crews (just in case anyone fainted from sheer excitement), was headed for his Turnberry golf resort. The destination, of course, was chosen not for its opulence but for its seclusion and peaceful atmosphere.
As the convoy rolled past a small, dedicated group of protesters, a new episode of South Park aired, depicting the former president in bed with Satan. The show's creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, delivered a satirical jab so sharp that the White House felt compelled to issue a statement calling the show a "fourth-rate" programme that "hasn't been relevant for over 20 years." The statement itself was so perfectly on-the-nose that it could have been a South Park parody.
On the golfing front, Trump plans to spend the weekend on his Turnberry course before popping over to his second property in Aberdeenshire to inaugurate a new 18-hole course. He told reporters that none other than the late, great Sean Connery played a crucial role in securing the permits for the project. Apparently, James Bond's true superpower was not saving the world but navigating bureaucratic red tape.
Amidst all the low-key leisure, a few diplomatic errands are on the docket. He’s set to meet with Prime Minister Keir Starmer, a man who, for the sake of a new trade deal, has developed a miraculous case of political amnesia about his past descriptions of Trump’s views as "repugnant." He’ll also chat with Scotland’s First Minister, John Swinney, who has pledged to "essentially speak out for Scotland." The visit also provides a unique moment for Foreign Secretary David Lammy, who once referred to Trump as a "tyrant in a toupee" and a "neo-Nazi sympathising sociopath." One can only imagine the warm reunion and the joy of seeing him again now that Lammy is in a position of power. On Sunday, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen will also be stopping by for some quiet, private trade talks and a lesson in how to putt with a nine iron.
In a moment of pure, unfiltered public service, Trump also offered some helpful advice to Europe: "Stop the windmills." He lamented that they are "ruining your beautiful fields and valleys and killing your birds." This is, of course, coming from a man who once lost a legal battle to stop a wind farm from being built because it would spoil the view from—you guessed it—one of his own golf courses.
All in all, the former president's visit is a perfect blend of high-stakes politics, over-the-top spectacle, and quiet, humble golf. It’s the kind of trip that reminds us that when America’s most publicity-shy politician travels, the world watches—and sometimes, so does a certain animated duo from Colorado. It’s a trip so low-key, you almost didn't notice the thousands of police officers, the international trade talks, and the simmering political hypocrisy that made it all possible. Almost.