The Day When Mr McAvoy Was Bang On The Money! #Bristol Flying Taxis Meet East Bristol Traffic Chaos.

How Bristol's Electric Flying Taxi Dreams Collide With East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood Reality.

(Image: Kerry McCarthy)

So, it all began with yesterday's blog, when I almost lost my sanity amid mathematical number crunching and billionaires. Then, out of the ether popped fellow Substacker Chris McAvoy's brilliant observation: 'Perhaps they could persuade Elon to build a Jet Pack Factory in Bristol (powered by naturally produced methane, of course!).'

Well, that was just the inspired nudge I needed to sow the seeds for today's article. Then, just as I was about to water the seeds of satire for today, the Bristol Post popped up with this brilliant headline: 'Electric flying taxis made by Bristol firm could be in use by 2028.' And a masterpiece in self-writing satire jumped from seed to shoot.

You couldn't make it up. Actually, you could, but you'd worry it was too ridiculous. Here I was, contemplating methane-powered jet packs as a piece of absurdist comedy, and Bristol's actual, real-life entrepreneurs said: "Hold my organic kombucha."

Bristol Flying Taxis by 2028: The Green Council's Ultimate Dream?

Flying taxis. By 2028. That's just three years away, for those keeping count. The same city that can't get a bus to Bedminster on time is apparently going to have flying taxis zipping about like we're in The Jetsons.

Well, like the visionary residents of the East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood, I'm already envisioning the giant plant pots hovering above Barton Hill, ensuring those flying taxis don't exceed the 20mph speed limit. Perhaps some suspended speed bumps at 500 feet, just to keep things safe.

I can already picture the consultation process: "We're concerned about the noise pollution from flying taxis disrupting our rooftop yoga sessions." "What about the carbon footprint of vertical take-off?" "Will there be adequate cycle lanes in the sky?"

And naturally, Bristol council will need to install floating bollards to prevent unauthorised aerial access to certain neighbourhoods. Can't have just anyone flying over Clifton, can we? Property values to consider.

Bristol's Traffic Scheme Nightmare: From Road Chaos to Sky-High Dreams

The parking situation alone boggles the mind. Bristol already has a Byzantine system of resident permits, visitor permits, and permits-to-apply-for-permits. Now we'll need vertical parking zones. "Sorry, you can't hover there between 8 am and 6 pm Monday to Friday. That's a flying taxi rank. Your levitation permit is only valid on alternate Tuesdays above 300 feet."

Isn't all this just a Green-led council's dream, though? Electric flying taxis tick every box. Zero emissions! Reduced road congestion! Verticality as a service! Finally, a transport solution that literally rises above all those pesky cars they've been trying to banish from Bristol city centre for years.

I can see the press release now: "Bristol leads the way in sustainable aerial mobility solutions, creating a blueprint for post-carbon urban transportation." Meanwhile, the rest of us are still waiting for that pothole on our street to be filled - you know, the one that's been there since 2019, the one that's now achieved protected status as a historical landmark.

But why stop at flying taxis? If we're going full sci-fi, let's commit to the bit. Teleportation pods at every bus stop. Hoverboards (the real kind, not those wheeled things that kept catching fire). A pneumatic tube system connecting Stokes Croft to Southville, powered entirely by the hot air from council meetings.

Councillor Ed Plowden's Vertical Transport Vision.

I bet Green councillor Ed Plowden (aka L Pondweed) is having sleepless nights planning this new transportation dream. You can picture him now, frantically sketching air traffic routes on the back of a consultation document, muttering about "vertical integration" and "multi-modal aerial networks." Perhaps he's already drafted the 47-page feasibility study: "Reimagining Bristol's Skyways: A Holistic Approach to Three-Dimensional Sustainable Transport Infrastructure."

And what about Bristol's buses? Will the Metrobus arrive at Cribbs Causeway even faster than now? One can only dream. Perhaps they'll retrofit the current fleet with vertical take-off capabilities. The M2 could take the scenic route - quite literally - soaring majestically over the M32 before circling Gloucester Road three times for good measure, still managing to be twelve minutes late.

I bet Bristol's taxi drivers are already paying their deposits for the all mod-con version of the London taxi's forthcoming arrival date. Why settle for street-level congestion when you could be stuck in a holding pattern above Temple Meads observing the ongoing building works around the station?

East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood: The Reality on the Ground.

(Image: Helen - https://substack.com/@helenitlikeitis)

East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood traffic planters and bollards causing congestion

Meanwhile, according to East Bristol Neighbourhood reports, the EBLN scheme is going swimmingly. Absolutely tickety-boo. Just ask the residents who've been trapped in what Jason Davies brilliantly describes as a "Kafkaesque dystopia of planters, bollards, and baffling bus gates."

Because nothing says "liveable" quite like transforming your neighbourhood into an urban assault course where getting from A to B now requires the navigational skills of Magellan and the patience of a saint. Ambulances playing hopscotch with flower beds, vans taking half an hour longer to deliver a fridge, and parents circling like confused hawks trying to drop their kids at school - it's practically utopia!

Heather Knowles Jones points out we're now living in what resembles a third-world country, with fly-tipping, litter, and weeds sprouting from pavements like some post-apocalyptic garden centre. But don't worry - the council has helpfully painted the streets with "cultural programming" and installed planters that'll be falling apart within months. She hasn't spotted any children actually playing in these so-called liveable neighbourhoods, but presumably they're all too busy learning advanced orienteering skills to navigate home from school.

Kerry McCarthy MP and the ANPR Confusion.

And then there's Labour MP Kerry McCarthy, who went on a lovely walkabout and discovered that residents are "generally supportive of the concept" - despite their minor concerns about, you know, not being able to actually move about their own neighbourhoods. She's kindly suggested replacing bus gates with "LNPR cameras." That's ANPR, Kerry - Automatic Number Plate Recognition - which is what bus gates already use. Unless she's discovered that Bristol's buses have developed the ability to levitate over bollards like some municipal Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fleet we're not aware of.

But wait - perhaps Kerry's head is already up there with the flying taxis! Maybe she's already envisioning the Green dream future where we simply bypass the ground-level chaos altogether. Why fix the roads when you can just abandon them entirely? The perfect solution to East Bristol's mobility crisis: everyone airborne by 2028!

One can only imagine the impending disasters. Flying taxis crashing into those magnificent planters now hovering at 500 feet. Aerial gridlock above Barton Hill as conflicting flight paths turn the skies into a three-dimensional nightmare. Emergency landings in people's back gardens because the vertical parking zones are all full. And naturally, the council will need to conduct a 47-page consultation on whether flying vehicles should be allowed to cross certain airspace without a permit.

Even Hamblins Fish & Chips - that beloved Barton Hill institution - felt compelled to clarify they are absolutely NOT "generally supportive" after Kerry's visit, pointing out the small matter of losing their passing trade and customers who can no longer actually reach them. Though presumably, once the flying taxis arrive, they'll need rooftop landing pads for chip deliveries. Health and Safety will have a field day.

But hey, at least Olivia can cycle to her pottery class in slightly less danger once a week. Until the flying taxis start landing on the cycle lanes, that is.

Bristol Council's Response: Green Pounds From the Sky.

And what does Bristol council make of all this chaos, confusion, and consternation? Well, according to Councillor Ed Plowden's (L Pondweed’s) masterclass in political non-answering, he's "very disappointed with this scheme being so polarising" - conveniently forgetting to mention that it's the council's own refusal to listen to residents that's actually causing the polarisation in the first place. Classic political manoeuvre: create a problem, then express sadness about the problem you've created, all whilst studiously avoiding any actual responsibility.

But let's be honest - the council's response to legitimate concerns is already clear: full steam ahead with the Green dream! And why not? There's serious money to be made from this brave new world of vertical mobility. Think of the revenue streams: aerial parking permits, vertical zone enforcement fines, flying taxi licensing fees, sky-lane violation penalties, and, of course, the inevitable congestion charges for popular flight paths over Clifton.

They'll need an entirely new department - the Bristol Aerial Traffic Authority, naturally - staffed with dozens of highly-paid consultants to manage the "sustainable vertical transport infrastructure." Consultancy fees alone could run into millions. And don't forget the mandatory "Air Quality Offset Levy" for every flying taxi journey, because even electric vehicles disturb the air, don't they?

The planters currently blocking East Bristol's streets? They're just the prototype. Soon they'll be franchising out "Suspended Garden Solutions Ltd" to councils across the country, exporting Bristol's municipal genius nationwide. Green pounds raining down from the heavens - quite literally.

Vertical Aerospace: Bristol's Flying Taxi Company.

Now, let's return to the star of our show: Vertical Aerospace, the Bristol-headquartered company behind this magnificent fever dream. They're planning to build a new factory at Cotswold Airport to produce around 25 VX4 aircraft a year - assuming, of course, they can secure a mere $700 million in funding. Pocket change, really.

They'll also be expanding battery production at their site in Avonmouth, near Bristol, with a shiny new 30,000 sq ft facility. Because what Avonmouth really needed was a battery factory for flying taxis. Not improved infrastructure, not better transport links - flying taxi batteries. Priorities, people.

Founded by OVO Energy's Stephen Fitzpatrick in 2016, Vertical Aerospace promises its VX4 model will whisk passengers from Battersea to Heathrow in just 12 minutes. Meanwhile, getting from Barton Hill to Temple Meads still takes the better part of an afternoon, but never mind that.

Stuart Simpson, the company's chief executive, assures us they've "moved from ambition to execution" and are on track for "transition flight" testing by year's end. They've already got 1,500 pre-orders from customers across four continents - American Airlines, Japan Airlines, the lot. By 2030, they expect to deliver at least 175 aircraft, ramping up to 900 a year by 2035.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong? The Chinese Flying Taxi Collision.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, let's consider the recent Chinese mishap where two of these flying vehicles collided mid-air. Now picture the same scenario over Barton Hill. Flaming wreckage raining down onto those lovely new planters. Chunks of electric aircraft embedded in Hamblins' roof. The VX4's much-vaunted vertical take-off capabilities being put to an unexpected test as one crashes through Kerry McCarthy's constituency office skylight.

The company first unveiled its designs in 2020 and merged with a special purpose acquisition company the following year in a deal valuing them at nearly $2 billion. That's billion with a B. For a company that's yet to deliver a single commercial aircraft. But hey, at least the investors are optimistic, even if East Bristol's residents are still trying to work out how to get their bins collected.

Bristol's Future: Flying Taxis vs Traffic Chaos.

So there we have it. Bristol: a city that can't collect the bins, can't fix the potholes, can't get a bus to run on time, and has successfully transformed East Bristol into an impassable maze of planters and bureaucratic bollocks. But fear not - by 2028, we'll apparently have flying taxis zipping overhead, assuming someone can find $700 million down the back of the sofa and the Chinese don't beat us to turning the skies into a demolition derby.

The Green dream marches on: ground-level chaos for the plebs, aerial utopia for those who can afford it. Chris McAvoy's methane-powered jet packs are looking more sensible by the minute. At least they'd be fuelled by something Bristol produces in abundance - and I'm not just talking about the cows in Ashton Court.

Welcome to the future, Bristol. It's vertical, it's electric, and it's completely divorced from reality. But at least the planters look nice.

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My huge thanks to Chris McAvoy for the inspiration, the Keep Bristol Moving website, Helen (@helenitlikeitis) for keeping me in the loop, and the Bristol Live site for that added inspiration.