The East #Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood Fire: A Test Case Gone Wrong.

A look at how one Bristol house fire became a "trial run" for City Council infrastructure and Avon Fire and Rescue.

(Image: The Telegraph)

Unbelievable as it may seem to some, I'm back. After a brief sabbatical, I'm ready for another glimpse of this growing asylum called the United Kingdom and the rest of the world. From my metaphorical island, I enjoy a sense of peace, calm, and bliss in almost total silence.

Of course, this island exists only in my own mind, no further than my flat in central Bristol, where I'm ruled by two felines. From this offshore vantage point, I can observe the lunacy of the mainland in full, cinematic view. As a simple person of moderate intelligence, there's a great deal I fail to understand, so I'll be in full-throttle blogging mode.

I might disappear into silence when information overload becomes too much, but I'll always return to empty my mind—by throwing out the rubbish, as it were, one blog post at a time. I guess all this can be filed under the classification of sensory overload and how I deal with it. And being, you know, not quite right in the head, as they used to say before political correctness was invented—as just another label to conveniently Tippex out and write over, because people get "oh so" offended too readily nowadays, don't you know?

So, here I am, once again, sitting at my desk, sifting through the garbage of the world I seem to have accumulated over the past couple of days. I suppose, if I could be bothered enough, I'd write a lengthy piece about Trump and Putin reuniting for another pointless tête-à-tête that will, of course, lead nowhere. It will, no doubt, go down in history as Trump's 'Half-Baked Alaska,' another perfectly failed recipe.

But, you know, keep trying, Donny, that Nobel Peace Prize will get to you eventually.

The Truth About East Bristol's Latest Fire.

But wait, it gets better! Because according to those brilliant, and ever-so-sharp journos at the Bristol Post, the Avon Fire and Rescue chiefs have, of course, played down claims from local residents that their crews were delayed reaching a blaze in East Bristol. The report says the fire "gutted a house in Barton Hill" right at the heart of one of the city's new East Bristol Liveable Neighbourhood (EBLN) infrastructure changes.

And get this—right in front of the house that was on fire, the Bristol City Council had established a brand-new "pocket park" which closed off the road to traffic. The fire chiefs claim their crews simply parked up and raced across the triangle of grass that separates the road from the house, utilizing a fire hydrant that was, mercifully, still on the road.

Now, it would be an incredible coincidence if that was the only issue, wouldn't it? Well, the Bristol Live report conveniently points out that just over 100 yards away, there's a bollard in the middle of a different road that stops cars but allows bikes through. The bollard can be unlocked by emergency services... with an access code. And in a stunning twist of fate, a fire crew on a previous call was already stuck behind this very bollard because they hadn't been given the code.

So, to recap: the fire chiefs are playing down delays, even though residents tried to redirect them, because a fire crew had to park up and run across a park to reach a blaze that broke out right next to a roadblock. All while another roadblock nearby has already stumped a fire crew on a previous occasion. Nothing to see here, folks. Nothing at all.

Meanwhile, I'm sure this poor, unfortunate Bristol householder, whose home is now little more than ashes, is just thrilled to have sacrificed her property for a fire service test case. In fact, we're all looking forward to Bristol City Hall rolling out the red carpet for her to receive the Bristol Public Services Champion of the Year Award.

So, come back soon for the next enthralling episode, where a man volunteers to have both legs amputated in the middle lane of the M5—just to see how long it takes to create and clear a tailback in an impending torrential rain shower. You know, if such a thing could exist.