The End of Protest Season 2025, a DFS Satire, and the Rise of Horse Milk.

Yes, The End of the Protest Season and a Countdown to a Miraculous Birthday. So they reckon.

It's hopefully the end of the protest season of 2025, and my attention turns to the countdown—just 114 days until it's Jesus' birthday again. I remain totally amazed as to how any being, if only by imagination, can still look so good at 2029 years old, because you never see a picture of an old and decrepit looking bloke, do you? Well, I have a sneaking suspicion it's all down to ancient Roman Botox and purified Nile water. But, I could be wrong.

And yes, with the Autumnal weather coming in like an armed police raid on your home, it's getting far too cold and wet for the seasonal protesters. Unpredictable as the weather itself, they bluster in as fast as they bluster out again.

The Definite Facility Solution: How DFS Could Solve the Migrant Crisis.

On the subject of blustering, the Home Secretary's office has been getting a workout of its own, with recent statements indicating a shift away from hotels and towards using various types of large sites—your warehouses, your sprawling industrial units—as the next big solution to the ongoing migration puzzle.

This got me thinking. You see, with DFS having something of a disastrous year, it's public record that they’ve been battling "subdued" furniture demand and a pre-tax loss of £1.7 million, axing their dividend and praying for the Bank of England to cut interest rates. I'm sure their shareholders are elated that the company is now "on track to double profits," but surely, there's every potential for them to be absolutely ecstatic if they simply hand their stores over to the government, rebranding as the Definite Facility Solution. They'd receive a guaranteed income for the next five years by providing migrants with what's basically ready-to-move-in accommodation.

In addition to this brilliant idea, there has to be a media campaign to advertise it to other potential migrants eager to relocate to the UK. It's hard to offend with a sofa, unless there are TV DIY make-over teams in the vicinity, but DFS achieved this feat when 65 viewers complained about a TV advertisement. The commercial quoted spoof statistics in answer to the question “What turns you on?”.

Accompanying visuals for “46% of you get hot for ice-cream” were a half-dressed couple throwing ice cream at each other, while the line “36% of you are into leather” showed a woman pulling on a pair of leather trousers and a woman dressed in leather cracking a whip. The concluding line was “And you’ll go wild for 4 years interest-free credit... Go down to DFS this week and see what turns you on.”

Taking that same questionable creative spark and aiming it at the new target audience, here's the rewritten version for our very own Definite Facility Solution:

DFS Presents... What gets you to move?

Tired of the open seas? Fed up with leaky boats? We've got some numbers that will get you moving...

"46% of you are into not drowning, which is why we've gone ahead and removed all waterbeds from our warehouse stock for mental health reasons."

"54% of you are into something with four walls, a prayer mat, and obligatory images of your deity in different poses and scenarios."

"And you'll go wild for a guaranteed spot to lay your head for the next five years. Come on down to the Definite Facility Solution and see what turns you on."

Now, I think that works, don't you? With immediate effect, I will email this suggestion to Yvette Cooper (whoever she is). Oh, and by the way, we've no shortage of mats, either!

Horse Milk: The Ancient Roman Secret You Never Knew You Needed.

Anyway, with that thought safely out of my system, let's circle back to ancient Rome. The Romans, as you know, were a peculiar bunch. It seems they were ahead of the curve, given that wealthy women like Nero's wife Poppaea used to bathe in asses' milk to preserve their youthful glow. We've been a little slow on the uptake of that particular beauty regimen—by a mere couple of thousand years, give or take.

Luckily, a distant relative of the ancient ass has now stepped in to take up the challenge. Thanks to the ingenuity of 67-year-old farmer Frank Shellard from Bath, you can now buy horse milk at a bargain rate of £24 a litre. Frank is convinced of its miracle-working properties, claiming it cured his daughter's eczema, helped him recover from a stroke, and even brought his cholesterol down. As he puts it, it's a "goodness thing."

Sadly, the British public remains a difficult crowd to please. While Frank laments that Brits won't drink his miracle cure because we're too busy putting milk in our tea, he’s perhaps missing the more obvious reason. A lot of people, and this is just a wild guess, just don't fancy milk that has, in fact, "come from horses."

Frank is undeterred, though. The alternative dairy market has him looking to the East, where some 30 million people in places like Kazakhstan and Mongolia drink fermented horse milk, known as Kumis. He's even hosted the Kazakh Ambassador for the UK at his farm, no doubt over a delightful glass of the good stuff. It seems when the local populace rejects your bizarre product, the only logical business plan is to focus on a niche market of people who already know how to turn it into alcohol. Still, you can't blame farmer Frank for trying to milk this particular market, can you?