The Existential Bird Shit Theory: Finding Peace in Universal Decay (and My Brilliant New Book).

From Crumbling Liverpool Architecture to the Inevitable Demise of Everything, Including Your Attention Span (But Seriously, Check Out Amazon/My Kindle Book).

Wow, almost a few days off from tapping the keyboard! No, not dead yet. Well, not quite. I'm sort of hanging around that lobby— in the queue—and it looks longer than I anticipated. So, things could take a while. In the meantime, did I ever mention the predecessor to ‘The Almighty Gob’? No? Well, how remiss of me! It’s still out there, and it’s called ‘Death’s Door Diaries’ because I was expecting an earlier departure. Not that I’m complaining or anything; you know, it’s just a fact.

Anyway, I was seeing a female some years ago when I was up in Liverpool, and while we were out one day, we passed a house in a very poor state of repair – to the point of being dilapidated and clearly inhabited by a population of birds due to the over-generous coating of excrement – to which she remarked that it was “only the bird shit glueing it together.” Now, aside from that being typical northern humour, it reminded me that everything falls apart with age. Even myself, though, minus the, well, you know, bird shit.

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, the grand acceptance of life mirroring our serene embrace of the inevitable void. It's a comforting thought, isn't it? Like cheerfully greeting the taxman or enthusiastically anticipating root canal surgery. We should apparently welcome each creaking joint, each forgotten name, each stray grey hair with the same open arms we'll extend to the Grim Reaper when he finally comes knocking. After all, it's all part of the glorious cycle! One minute you're a vibrant bloom, the next you're compost, enriching the soil for future vibrancy. Just try telling yourself that as you struggle to read the tiny print on the pharmacy leaflet or navigate the labyrinthine world of online banking. It’s all about perspective, they say. Perhaps from six feet under, the Wi-Fi signal is stronger and the print is miraculously larger.

So, let's not forget the sheer joy of decay that life so generously bestows upon us. Just as that Liverpool house was reaching its avian-adhesive zenith, so too are we all progressing towards our own personal states of advanced disrepair.

Think of it as a beautiful, slow-motion demolition. Each wrinkle, a testament to a life well-lived (or at least, lived), each ache a gentle reminder of adventures past (or perhaps just sleeping awkwardly). So next time you catch your reflection and notice another sign of entropy setting in, don't despair! Instead, offer a hearty "Welcome!" Just as you would to that kindly skeletal figure with the scythe. After all, it's only the metaphorical bird shit holding us together too, isn't it?

Which brings me to the rather poignant juncture where one feels they've truly experienced the full panoply of human existence – the t-shirt acquired, the metaphorical mountain scaled, and in my decidedly tangible case, the literary masterpiece unleashed upon the unsuspecting Kindleverse (shameless plug alert!). At this point, one can't help but feel somewhat... marooned in life's observation room. Here I sit, diligently maintaining my structural integrity, while the world outside seems to be cheerfully embracing its own delightful disintegration. It's a curious predicament, this holding one's end of the cosmic bargain while witnessing the general unravelling of the world around me. Perhaps the afterlife has a better book club.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sexual-Philanthropist-Everything-Borderline-Personality-ebook/dp/B0BYT2B14J

Review: 4 out of 5 stars.

“John Langley had a challenging life, starting at a young age. Despite his harrowing experiences, he was able to recognise his potential and utilise his thinking faculties to overcome his obstacles. In his book, Langley tells a touching story that made me question the unfairness of life. His experiences were relatable; I had faced rejection and had to take charge of my life at a young age. It's always easier to tell the story, but the experience is hellish. Honestly, I love how expressive the author was throughout the book.

Reading this book taught me the importance of opportunity, intuition, and initiative and how they contribute to success. It also reminded me that nothing is impossible. In addition, it emphasised the importance of avoiding judgment towards others, as they may not have had better options. Reading Langley's story was comforting, reassuring me that I am not alone in the face of difficult times. It reminded me that better days are always on the horizon.

Finally, it is worth noting that the book contains excessive profanity and raw sexual language. As a result, this book may not be suitable for younger readers or those who dislike reading such content. However, despite the abundance of errors and profanity, the book is still an interesting read. I would recommend The Sexual Philanthropist by John Langley to individuals who enjoy autobiographies and those who seek to explore the sex industry. I would also recommend this book to individuals who may be facing rejection, homelessness, or other personal difficulties.”