(Steve Reed, centre, the then environment secretary, last year told Hannah Bourne-Taylor, right, and Zac Goldsmith that he endorsed swift bricks. Photograph: Hannah Bourne-Taylor.)
So let me get this straight. We’ve got a government that wants to build millions of houses, right? And there’s this bird—the swift—beautiful little thing, been living in our roofs for centuries, minding its own business, eating insects, being all majestic and whatnot. And this bird is dying out. There’s only about 40,000 breeding pairs left in the entire country.
Now, some intelligent people said, “Hey, here’s an idea: let’s put a hollow brick in each new house. It costs thirty-five quid. One brick. With a hole in it.”
And the government said no.
The Mathematics of Absurdity.
Let’s do some basic arithmetic here, shall we? A new house costs at minimum £140,000. The builder makes—on the low end—about £16,800 profit per house. That’s pure profit. Money in the bank. And we’re asking them to spend £35 on a brick with a hole in it.
That’s 0.2% of their profit. Not 2%. Not 20%. Zero-point-two per cent.
I’ve seen people argue longer about the pickle placement on a burger.
The Plot Thickens (Or Doesn’t, Because There Is No Plot).
Here’s where it gets really good. The housebuilders? They’re FINE with it. They actually said, “Yeah, sure, we’ll do the bird brick thing.” Some of them are already doing it voluntarily. Barratt Homes is putting them in houses in Bristol and other cities without anyone forcing them to.
So who’s opposed? Not the builders. Not the brick manufacturers—they make the bloody things already. Not the 100,000+ people who’ve signed petitions asking for this.
It’s the politicians. The same Labour politicians who supported this exact measure two years ago, when they could use it to beat up the Conservatives. Now that they’re in power? “Oh no, we can’t possibly mandate specific wildlife features.”
The Real Reason (Spoiler: It’s Stupid).
You want to know why? According to the campaigners, the government is terrified of being called “woke.”
That’s right. A thirty-five-pound brick with a hole in it is now a political statement. A BRICK. We’ve politicised HOLES IN BRICKS.
Apparently, caring whether birds go extinct is now “a bit lefty.” Wanting to see wildlife out your window? That’s for socialists and hippies. Real patriots want sterile concrete boxes where nothing lives except mould and regret.
The government is so worried about Nigel Farage and his Reform Party thinking they’re too environmentally friendly, that they won’t put a hollow brick in a wall. They’re afraid of a brick. A brick with a hole in it. For birds.
The Punchline.
Meanwhile, 75% of the bird boxes that developers were already required to install under planning conditions never actually materialised. They just... didn’t bother. And nobody checked. So the government’s solution to developers not following the rules is to... not have any rules.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
The housing minister actually got “irritated” at the mention of swift bricks. Can you imagine? “Oh God, not the bird brick lady again. Doesn’t she know I’ve got important things to do, like building houses that nothing can live in?”
The Bottom Line.
We’re building millions of new houses. Millions. And we can’t be bothered to put one—ONE—hollow brick in each of them to help prevent a species from going extinct. Not because it costs too much. Not because it’s technically difficult. Not because anyone actually objects to it.
But because politicians are afraid of being called woke by people who think caring about anything other than themselves is a character flaw.
So the swifts will disappear. The house martins will vanish. And in thirty years, when kids ask what happened to all the birds, we can tell them: “Well, you see, there was this brick. It had a hole in it. And putting it in a wall seemed a bit too lefty.”
Welcome to Britain, where we can’t save a bird because we might upset a fascist. Or whatever this is on any day of the week currently.
UPDATE: A Modest Proposal.
Oh, but wait! I’ve just had a brilliant idea. Perhaps the solution is obvious: the birds should apply for planning permission themselves!
Yes! That’s it! Each swift can fill out the necessary forms, submit them to the local council, wait 6-18 months for a decision, potentially face objections from neighbours who think bird nests are “unsightly,” attend planning committee meetings (though good luck finding one that’s scheduled during migration season), and then, if approved, negotiate with the developer about the exact placement of their nest.
Think of the efficiency! We’ll create entirely new departments. The Avian Planning Office. Bird Rights Lawyers. Environmental Impact Assessments for a creature that weighs 40 grams.
And naturally, once the planning permission hurdle is cleared, they’ll need to apply for Nesting Benefit. Pop down to the local council offices—assuming they’re still open after the latest round of cuts—and prove they genuinely need housing assistance. They’ll need to demonstrate they’ve been actively seeking alternative nesting sites. Show evidence of at least three nest viewings per week. Attend a mandatory Work Capability Assessment to prove they can’t simply nest on the ground like “normal” birds.
Good luck with that one. It’s bad enough when humans apply for similar benefits. Can you imagine a swift trying to navigate the system? “I’m sorry, Mr. Swift, but you’ve been assessed as fit for work. Have you considered nesting in a tree? What do you mean your species hasn’t done that for three hundred years? That sounds like a lifestyle choice to me.”
The waiting times alone would be spectacular. Six months to process the Nesting Benefit claim, by which time the bird has already migrated to Africa and back twice. “Sorry, your claim has been closed due to non-attendance at your appointment. Yes, we know you were 4,000 miles away at the time. Should’ve thought of that before becoming a migratory species, shouldn’t you?”
Of course, there’s the small matter of swifts not having opposable thumbs, or the ability to read, or any understanding of Byzantine planning regulations that even humans can’t navigate without hiring expensive consultants. But details, details.
And the beauty of this system? By the time a swift finally gets through the planning process AND the benefits system, it’ll have died of old age, the developer will have gone bust, the council office will have closed, and the housing minister will have moved on to a nice consultancy job with a firm that definitely, absolutely, certainly has nothing to do with property development.
Problem solved! No need for a simple thirty-five-quid brick when we can tie everyone up in red tape for decades instead. The British way!
Class dismissed.
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