The Monster Raving Cycle-Lane to Oblivion Council of Bristol.
Fellow Citizens of Bristol, Prepare to Pedal into Paradise (or Purgatory, We're Flexible)!
Fellow citizens of Bristol, behold! You slumbered through yesterday's gentle suggestions, a testament to your profound apathy. But fear not, for we, the Monster Raving Cycle-Lane to Oblivion Council, are here to awaken you from your petrol-guzzling, pedestrian-impeding slumber! We are the future you didn’t ask for but desperately deserve.
In 2025, the Monster Raving Cycle-Lane to Oblivion Council of Bristol promises a revolution! A revolution on two wheels, naturally. For too long, the tyranny of four-wheeled, fossil-fueled monstrosities has plagued our fair city. We say no more!
Manifesto 2025.
Fellow Pedallers, Car-Dodgers, and Pavement-Dodging Pedestrians!
Our Vision:
100% Cycle Lane Coverage: By 2026, every street, alleyway, and living room in Bristol will be converted into a dedicated cycle lane. Pedestrians? They can hop. We're installing pogo-stick rental stations at every junction.
Mandatory Unicycles: Cars will be confiscated and melted down to create a vast fleet of unicycles, distributed to all citizens. Training will be provided, mostly via YouTube tutorials and a "sink or spin" philosophy.
The Suspension of Gravity: We're in talks with a consortium of eccentric physicists to develop anti-gravity technology, allowing cyclists to float effortlessly above traffic jams (of other cyclists, naturally).
The Abolition of Parking: Parking spaces will be replaced with dedicated "performance art cycle lanes," where cyclists can express their inner turmoil through interpretive wheelies and spoken-word poetry about gear ratios.
The "Green Tax" on Breath: To offset the carbon footprint of breathing, all non-cyclists will be charged a "Green Tax" based on their lung capacity. This will fund the construction of solid gold bicycle bells for our elite cycling corps.
The Rebranding of Bristol: We propose renaming the city "Cyclopolis," with a giant, spinning bicycle wheel as our official symbol. Our new motto: "Pedal or Perish."
The Compulsory Cycling Uniform: All residents will be required to wear fluorescent lycra, aerodynamic helmets, and cycling shoes that clip into the floor of their homes. This ensures maximum efficiency, even during breakfast.
The Great Cycle-Lane of Bristol: A cycle lane that circles the entire city, with a high-speed lane for those who have achieved maximum lycra proficiency.
The creation of the "Cycle-Lane Enforcement Squad"(CLES): A team of highly trained, lycra-clad, unicycle wielding officers, that will ensure cycle-lane compliance. Their motto: "We will find you, and we will ticket you."
The implementation of a "Cycle-Lane First" policy: All emergency services will be replaced by a fleet of highly trained cyclists. If you need a fire engine, they will arrive with a fire extinguisher attached to their bike. If you need an ambulance, they will arrive with a first aid kit and a strong will to pedal you to hospital.
Our Promise:
We promise a future where the only sound is the gentle whir of bicycle wheels, the only scent is the fresh aroma of recycled rubber, and the only sight is a sea of fluorescent lycra stretching to the horizon.
Vote Monster Raving Cycle-Lane to Oblivion Council. Because, frankly, what else are you going to do? Walk?
Keep an eye out for tomorrow’s suggestion - The Bristol Monster Raving (Green) Windmill Tilting Council.
