THE MONSTER RAVING GREEN PARTY: Why Britain's Greenest Politicians Should Trade Hemp for Hammers.
A Political Satire on Tradespeople in Parliament, Low Traffic Neighbourhoods, and the Palace of Westminster Refurbishment.
So I’m officially renaming them the Monster Raving Green Party - and they’ve got a new leader now. Screaming Lord Sutch? Dead. But fear not, because he’s been replaced by Screaming Lord Zack Polanski, who’s taken the party platform in a bold new direction: free drugs for everyone! Well, legalised and regulated, but why split hairs when you can split sides? And not just any drugs - the currently illegal ones! Because why would you advocate for free aspirin when you can go straight for the good stuff?
Why the name change? Something specific? No, no, no - everything specific. The whole goddamn catalogue of insanity.
But here’s the key difference: At least the original Monster Raving Loony Party KNEW they were taking the piss out of the system.
They were honest about it! Screaming Lord Sutch wore the ridiculous top hat, made the absurd promises, and everyone - including him - was in on the joke. It was performance art. Political theatre. A deliberate middle finger to the establishment wrapped in leopard print and delivered with a wink.
But the Greens? The Monster Raving GREEN Party? They’re doing the exact same thing - proposing policies that sound like they were dreamed up during a particularly strong edible session - except they’re DEADLY SERIOUS about it. They genuinely believe this stuff! That’s the terrifying part. The original Loonies were satirising the system. The Greens ARE the satire, they just haven’t realised it yet.
What if MPs actually had to do real work before debating policy?
Here’s where it gets beautiful - they’ve got a candidate in Gorton and Denton named Hannah Spencer who’s a plumber. And you know what? That might actually be the most qualified person in British politics right now.
And I’ve got a proposal: ALL Green Party candidates should be tradespeople from now on. Every single one of them. Plumbers, electricians, carpenters, bricklayers, stonemasons - the whole lot. You know why? Because they could start work at 7 AM - actually WORKING, doing real jobs with their hands - down tools by lunchtime, and then get on with parliamentary business after lunch. Maximum value for money! Think about it - you’re getting a sparkie AND an MP, a chippy AND a legislator, a plumber AND a policy maker - all for the price of one MP! That’s efficiency the private sector can only dream about!
Could giving tradespeople parliamentary seats actually solve Britain’s productivity crisis?
And so much the better if at least some of them just happen to be on smack, or any of the many other currently illegal drugs that Screaming Lord Zack wants to declassify! Why? Because there’ll be some means of rehabilitation in it! You think you’ve got a drug problem? Try rewiring a building while you’re jonesing for your next fix - THAT’LL straighten you out! Nothing says “get clean” like being responsible for 240 volts and other people’s safety. It’s occupational therapy meets hard labour meets actual consequences. The current system? We just lock ‘em up, let ‘em get worse, and release them with nothing. But give a junkie a trade? Now they’ve got a REASON to stay straight - because if they screw up, someone’s house burns down, and that’s actual accountability, not some probation officer they see once a month!
What if drug rehabilitation wasn’t just about therapy, but about teaching people to actually build something?
Meanwhile, the rest of Parliament? They roll in at 2:30 PM, have a nice subsidised lunch, debate for an hour, and then it’s off to the bar - which, let’s be honest, is its own form of substance abuse, it’s just LEGAL and taxpayer-subsidised. But not the Monster Raving Greens - oh no. They’ve already wired a house, built a wall, installed three toilets, fixed a boiler, possibly had a small existential crisis about the nature of pipes and the universe, and STILL have time to vote on climate policy.
Because the Houses of Parliament - that crumbling monument to democratic decay - needs a multi-billion pound refurbishment. Multi-billion! With a ‘B’! So finally - FINALLY - we’ve got people who understand what’s actually in the pipeline, what’s shorting out in the wiring, what’s crumbling in the masonry!
Who better to understand a broken system than someone who fixes broken systems for a living?
And don’t worry about the electrical work - they’ve already got the blueprints for rewiring the building! Just ask anyone with firsthand experience of their Low Traffic Neighbourhoods. They LOVE rewiring things! Making sure you can’t get from Point A to Point B without going through Points F, Q, and Z first. Turning a five-minute journey into a thirty-minute scenic tour of every back alley and cul-de-sac in the borough. So yeah, they’ll rewire Parliament the same way - you want to get from the Commons to the Lords? That’ll be a lovely detour through the basement, around the gift shop, and back through the tea room. But don’t worry, it’s all for your own good! And the planet!
Is making everything harder to access really the best way to save the planet?
And the stonemasons? They’ll be ESSENTIAL - someone’s got to repair the faces of all those gargoyles. Or, as you and I better know them, the Lords. Same weathered expressions, same grotesque features, same ornamental function. The only difference is the gargoyles don’t claim £300 per day expenses.
When did British politicians start looking less distinguished than the medieval stonework they’re supposed to preserve?
You need someone who can look at the whole rotten infrastructure and say, “Yeah, this is screwed. This is going to cost you a fortune. And no, I can’t fix it with hemp rope and good vibes.”
What if the Palace of Westminster refurbishment needs skilled tradespeople more than it needs policy wonks?
THE FINAL VERDICT ON THE MONSTER RAVING GREEN PARTY.
The Monster Raving Green Party: Where everyone actually shows up on time, knows which end of a hammer to hold, can’t tell the difference between the stonework and the Lords, thinks the best way to fix anything is to make it impossible to use, and figures if you’re going to have addicts in Parliament, they might as well be useful ones who can actually BUILD something instead of just tearing it down.
The original Monster Raving Loony Party knew they were a joke. The Monster Raving Green Party IS the joke - they just haven’t got the punchline yet.
Because at the end of the day, wouldn’t Britain be better off with politicians who know how to actually fix things - even if they’re high while doing it?
SOURCES AND CITATIONS.
Hannah Spencer - Green Party Candidate, Gorton and Denton.
Green Party official candidate listing
Confirmed occupation: Plumber
Source: Green Party website and electoral records
Zack Polanski - Drug Legalisation Policy.
Position: London Assembly Member for the Green Party
Policy stance: Advocates for legalisation (not just decriminalisation) of all drugs, including Class A substances such as heroin and crack cocaine
Source: Multiple interviews and policy statements, including:
LBC Radio interview discussions on drug policy reform
Green Party London Assembly policy positions
Public statements on drug harm reduction and regulation
Palace of Westminster Restoration and Renewal Programme.
Estimated cost: Multi-billion pound project
Current estimates range from £7-£22 billion depending on scope and timeline
Timeline: Projected to take several decades
Source: UK Parliament Restoration and Renewal Programme official documentation
Monster Raving Loony Party - Historical Context.
Founded by: Screaming Lord Sutch (David Edward Sutch, 1940-1999)
Party ethos: Satirical political party intentionally mocking the British political system
Notable policies: Deliberate absurdist proposals designed as political commentary
Source: British political history archives and Electoral Commission records
Low Traffic Neighbourhoods (LTN) Implementation.
Multiple councils across the UK have implemented LTN schemes
Green Party councillors have been prominent supporters of LTN policies in various local authorities
Common criticism: Redirecting traffic through longer routes, increasing journey times
Source: Local authority transport policies and public consultations across multiple UK councils
DISCLAIMER
This piece is political satire. While factual claims (Hannah Spencer’s candidacy and occupation, Zack Polanski’s drug policy positions, Palace of Westminster refurbishment costs, and LTN policies) are accurate and verifiable, the commentary, interpretations, and proposals (such as all Green Party candidates being tradespeople working mornings before Parliament) are satirical in nature and represent the author’s comedic political commentary only.
Key Topics Covered:
Monster Raving Green Party political satire
Tradespeople in Parliament proposal
Hannah Spencer Green Party plumber candidate Gorton and Denton
Zack Polanski drug legalisation policy
Palace of Westminster refurbishment costs
Low Traffic Neighbourhoods criticism
Drug rehabilitation through skilled trades
Houses of Parliament electrical rewiring
British political satire
Green Party candidates policy analysis
Monster Raving Loony Party comparison
Political self-awareness in British politics