The Woke Woe: Navigating the Minefield of 'Ethical' Universities. Such as Here, in #Bristol.

Right, back at it again. Those precious snowflakes at Bristol University are having another little meltdown, bless their cotton socks. This time, it's a full-blown tantrum because they're not getting their own way – a meat-free campus, no less! Apparently, the culinary preferences of everyone else on campus are utterly irrelevant. Oh, the hardship! Such delicate little flowers. As the "Bristol Post" so eloquently put it: "University of Bristol students calling for meat-free campus." Because, you know, demanding everyone conforms to your dietary choices is totally the best way to save the planet. One can almost hear the tiny violins playing.

Now, where do we even begin with this generation of perpetually offended, virtue-signaling eco-warriors? They're the same lot who probably lecture their grandparents about the evils of plastic while sipping their oat milk lattes from disposable cups. They’re the digital natives who can’t navigate a conversation without emojis and think “trigger warning” is a substitute for personal responsibility. They’re so “woke” they’re practically sleepwalking through life, blissfully unaware of the irony dripping from their pronouncements.

And let's not forget the financial burden these culinary crusaders represent. While daddy and mummy are busy funding their "gap yah" exploring organic quinoa farms in Peru (for research purposes, naturally), the rest of us are wondering how we're going to afford heating this winter. But hey, who needs central heating when you've got the moral superiority of a meat-free Monday to keep you warm?

The University of Bristol, of course, is the perfect breeding ground for this type of sanctimonious self-importance. It's practically a rite of passage to emerge from its hallowed halls with a degree in "Sustainable Basket Weaving" and a burning desire to impose your dietary dogma on the unenlightened masses. One can almost picture the student union meetings, a cacophony of righteous indignation as they debate the ethical implications of sausage rolls.

Without question, I would be castigated as an enemy for my carnivore diet. You know, animals being ‘sentient’ creatures and all that, and, in fairness, I would probably change should the day arise when a bovine or ovine qualifies for a place at the University of Bristol, enjoys a MacDonalds while swatting for its degree in Humanitarianism, and upon leaving becomes a senior barrister at the Old Bailey, specialising in defending those who engage in industrial type flytipping of international significance.

But fear not, dear readers, for Generation Alpha is waiting in the wings, ready to inherit the mantle of woke warriors. They’re the ones who've been raised on a diet of social media algorithms and performative activism. They’ll probably demand a meat-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, fun-free campus. And don't even get me started on the existential crisis they’ll face when they discover that vegetables are also living things.

So, here's to the Bristol University meat-free militants, the vanguard of culinary correctness. May your tofu be ever bland, your lentils ever mushy, and your self-righteousness ever boundless. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be over here, enjoying a good steak and wondering where it all went wrong.

The Almighty Gob is a reader-supported publication. To further inform yourself on matters of utter bullshit and support my work, consider becoming a subscriber. You’ll thank me later!

"