The World According To Trump And His Sidekick, God | Political Satire 2026 | The Almighty Gob.
A Broadcast from The Oval Office, Assisted by a McDonald's Menu.
["I thought it was me as a doctor." — Donald Trump, April 2026]
The hum starts before the picture does. Low. Industrial. Like something enormous is being kept very still by something even more enormous. The Oval Office, Washington D.C. Midnight. Donald Trump, 47th President of the United States, sits at the Resolute Desk. The light has no source. The blue velvet curtain hangs without moving — and there is no reason it shouldn’t move, but it doesn’t. He is already there. He has always been there. This is a political satire. The most important political satire of 2026. He would agree.
Good evening. Or good morning. It doesn’t matter what time it is where you are. I am always on.
I want to talk to you tonight — Donald J. Trump, American President, businessman, author of The Art of the Deal, and, as of this broadcast, the chosen instrument of divine intervention on the world stage — about something very important. About the fact that God — and I’ve spoken to Him about this, we have a good relationship, a very productive relationship — God made a choice. He made it twice, actually, because the first time didn’t take. Bullets. Two of them. Both missed. Now you tell me: what are the odds? The statisticians — very smart people, some of them — they can’t explain it. The generals can’t explain it. The doctors can’t explain it. We’re talking about a level of divine protection the likes of which nobody has ever seen. Nobody.
I can explain it.
I felt the hand of the Lord during those moments. Both times. It felt like a handshake after a billion-dollar closing. Firm. Warm. Tremendous. You’re the one. And I don’t say this for effect. I say it because it’s true, and the truth is what I do. Believe me.
Some people saw the image I posted. The one with the light coming from my hands and the man in the bed and the eagles and the flag. They said, “Sir, that’s you as Jesus.” I said, “No. That’s me as a doctor.” Very simple. Very obvious. I thought it was clear.
Nobody knew being chosen could be so complicated. I didn’t know. I found out.
They ask me, “Sir, what limits your power?”
My own morality. That’s it. I’m the only thing standing between this country and the people who want to destroy it — and I’m also the only thing restraining myself. Think about that. The most powerful man in the history of the world, held in check by nothing except his own magnificent character. Many people are saying that, actually. Very serious people. They say, “Sir, your self-restraint is incredible.” And I tell them — I’m actually quite humble. I think I’m much more humble than people understand. I just don’t like to talk about it.
Some people find that frightening. Those are the sick people.
Three hundred and fifty-eight lawsuits. In one year. They came at me from every direction — judges, states, agencies, organisations that had been feeding at the trough for decades and didn’t like it when the trough got moved. I consider it a standing ovation.
I’ve established the Religious Liberty Commission. I’ve established the Task Force to Eradicate Anti-Christian Bias. I’ve pardoned the patriots of January the 6th because I believe in justice and I believe in mercy and I believe that when the history books are written — and they will be written, beautiful books, the best books — those people will be called heroes. Every single one.
I’ve rescued 62,000 missing migrant children from traffickers. The previous administration lost them. Lost them. Like luggage. I found them. I’ve designated fentanyl a weapon of mass destruction. Moral clarity. That’s what leadership looks like. Not committees. Not focus groups. A man. A desk. A decision.
I love the Bible. Tremendous book. The greatest book, many people say — and I agree, completely. Someone asked me recently, a reporter, very nasty person, asked me to name a favourite verse. And I said — look, there are so many great ones, so many, it’s very hard to choose just one. Between that and The Art of the Deal, frankly, it’s close.
Very close.
The curtain still hasn’t moved.
People ask me, “Sir, why is it called the White House?” Very plain name. Very boring name for a very beautiful building. I’ve suggested — and the suggestion has been very well received, believe me — The Trump House. It has a ring to it. It sounds like success. We’re putting gold leaf on the columns. Not too much. Just enough so that when the leaders of the world pull up — and they pull up, they always pull up, everyone wants to come — they know immediately. The boss is home.
And we’re building. The New East Wing. Ninety thousand square feet. A ballroom. Four hundred million dollars. People say, “Sir, that’s a lot of money for a ballroom.” And I say, “How do I host the King of England in a cupboard?” The fake news — the enemy of the people, frankly, that’s what they are — they’ll say it’s too much. They always say it’s too much. They said the same thing about the wall. They said it about the hotels. They were wrong every single time. Very, very wrong.
King Charles is coming in April. Wonderful man. I’ve been to Buckingham Palace. High-quality stuff — though the gold leaf is thin. Genuinely thin. I told them. They smiled. They know.
And before Charles, we had the others. Macron came. Very elegant man, very French — lots of laughing, lots of touching, very physical — and he told Fox News afterward that he’d convinced me not to do the tariffs. I announced the tariffs the next day. That’s negotiation. Then Starmer came. Very nice guy. Very hardworking. He brought me an invitation from King Charles for a state visit — smart move, very smart — and he tried very hard to get the tariffs removed. I said: “He tried. He was working hard. He earned whatever the hell they pay him over there.” Coming to my house and asking nicely is the correct approach. More leaders should try it.
This is called raising the standard. This is what happens when a builder runs a country instead of a politician.
That’s the thing about builders versus politicians. Politicians decorate. Builders construct. And the people who’ve run this magnificent city for the last hundred years? Decorators. Every one of them. They hung pictures and gave speeches and went home to their estates and called it governance.
I build.
And I expand. That’s what builders do — they don’t just maintain, they acquire. We went into Venezuela. Middle of the night. Clean operation. We have Maduro. We’re running the country now and frankly they should thank us because nobody was running it before. Beautiful oil. Tremendous reserves. Nobody knew. And Greenland — people say, “Sir, you can’t just take Greenland, it belongs to Denmark.” And I say, “Denmark.” I pause. I let that word sit there. “Denmark.” A country the size of one of my golf courses is going to tell the United States what it can and cannot have in the Arctic? I don’t think so. We’ll work it out. One way or another.
And Iran. People forget about Iran. February the 28th. I launched the operation. I gave them a warning — I said, “A whole civilisation will die tonight.” No ambiguity. The fake news said it was a threat. I said it was a preview. We obliterated their nuclear programme. We had the Strait of Hormuz. We were in control of the most important waterway in the history of the world — nothing moves through there without my say-so, not a drop of oil, not a container ship, nothing — the likes of which nobody has ever seen. And then we got a ceasefire, which we also won. Every outcome is a win when you’re operating at this level. Believe me.
Which brings me to Elon.
I liked Elon. He was a terrific guy. “Terrific” — that’s the word I used. And then something happened to him. He started criticising the Big Beautiful Bill — my bill, the bill that is going to save this country’s finances for the next hundred years — and he called it an “abomination.”
His word.
I told him, “Elon, you’re wearing thin.”
He bought a bird. He watched it drown. He spent forty-four billion dollars destroying the one thing that was working — and then he came for me. Me. The man who was standing in a field in Pennsylvania when a bullet went past his ear, and God said not yet. That man. He came for that man. Nobody — nobody, nobody, no — nobody does that and walks away clean.
I built a mountain. Truth Social. Pure. Clean. Tremendous. No manipulation, no algorithm designed to make you angry, no billionaire with a god complex pulling the strings behind a curtain. Just truth. Just me. Just you.
The numbers are magnificent. Between Truth Social going through the roof and the licensing deals, we’re talking billions. Many billions. I have made more money in the last year than most people make in ten lifetimes — while simultaneously saving the world. That’s called efficiency. Nobody talks about it. The fake news won’t touch it.
The tariffs — people say the Supreme Court blocked them. Six to three. My court. My justices. And I say: good. That’s the system working. We’ll find another way. The other way is already better. That’s called strategy. Nobody understands strategy like I do. Believe me.
But you know. You’ve always known. That’s why you’re watching this right now.
You always know.
And that’s why I want to take a moment — and I don’t do this enough — to talk about the people who make all of this possible.
Melania. My wife. The most beautiful First Lady in the history of this republic — and that is not a small field, there have been some very beautiful women in that position, very elegant — but Melania is on another level. The documentary, forty million dollars, it’s a masterpiece. It’s cinematic. Tremendous. A level of glamour and dignity that this country hasn’t seen — that the world hasn’t seen — in a very, very long time. And yet public life has been deliberately cheapened by people who hate beauty. Who fear beauty. Because beauty implies hierarchy and hierarchy implies that some things are better than other things — and that is the idea they cannot allow.
And my children. Don Jr. Eric. Ivanka. Tiffany. Barron. Every one of them magnificent. Every one of them a winner. They don’t sleep. They just win. And when I look at them I think about the people who said this family would be destroyed — said it on television, said it with great confidence — and I think: look at them now. Not old money pretending to be humble. New power. Unapologetic. Still standing.
And what I’m building for them — for all of our children — is a country where drug prices are down. Not thirty percent. Not forty. We’re talking six hundred percent. A thousand percent. People say, “Sir, that’s mathematically—” and I say, “Don’t talk to me about mathematics.” The math catches up to the vision. Not the other way around.
JD Vance. Very smart. The successor. Everything is in order.
How do I maintain this? The energy? The clarity? The physical presence?
McDonald’s.
I know what you’re thinking. Personal chef. Nutritionist. A team of people.
I do. I don’t use them.
Two Big Macs. Two Filet-O-Fish. Large chocolate shake. DoorDash, because even at the Trump House we honour the American economy. Two thousand calories of pure, consistent, democratic excellence. The same in Idaho as in Indiana as in Aberdeen, Scotland. You know what you’re getting. There is no pretension. There is no farm-to-table performance. There is no sommelier telling you what to feel.
And Diet Coke. Twelve cans a day. Liquid gold.
The doctors — wonderful people, very talented — they look at my results and they go quiet for a moment. That quiet is respect. I have the constitution of a deity. The machine simply does not wear.
And the mind. People don’t talk about the mind enough. I think about things other people don’t think about. Magnets, for instance. Nobody knows what a magnet is. I know what a magnet is. I think about magnets at three in the morning and I make connections the so-called experts have completely missed. My father was from Germany — a great man, a builder, German blood, the best blood — and that lineage, that precision, runs through everything I do. Some people in the meetings close their eyes to concentrate. I do that. It’s called thinking. The fake news calls it sleeping.
Something moves at the edge of the frame. Just for a moment. Then it’s still again.
They talk about the Trump Syndrome. The derangement. The fixation. Columnists. Professors. Very unhappy people writing very long essays about why they cannot stop thinking about me.
I call it a revelation.
I have occupied the real estate of their subconscious and I am not paying any rent. I live in their heads across the political spectrum — left, right, centre, the people who say they’re above politics, especially those people — and I live there for free, mortgage-free, in perpetuity.
That is the greatest deal I have ever done. And I have done extraordinary deals.
I answer to the Lord and to my own moral code and to the American people who chose me — chose me twice, brought me back from exile, returned me from the wilderness because they looked at what the alternative was and they chose this. They looked at the chaos and the weakness and the open borders and the empty shelves and the laughing — you remember the laughing, the other leaders laughing at us at the United Nations, laughing at us — and they said: enough.
They chose me.
And I have never once let them down. I fight for them with every breath in my body. Every single day. That’s not a slogan. That’s a covenant.
Something shifts in the room. Not the curtain. Something else. Something that has no name in the available vocabulary.
Now. The Pope.
I was very happy when Leo was elected. Chicago-born. American. I said at the time — and I meant it, completely — “What greater honour could there be for our country than an American Pope?” I was proud. Genuinely proud. And I’ll tell you something that nobody else will say: if I wasn’t in the White House, Leo wouldn’t be in the Vatican. They put him there to deal with me. To manage me. I understand that. I don’t hold it against them. It was actually a very smart move by the Church. Except it didn’t work.
Because Leo went political. He started criticising the Iran operation. Called it “a delusion of omnipotence.” His words. I said: “Leo. You’re talking about the man who was chosen. Twice. By bullets. By the Lord Himself. You want to talk about omnipotence? I know what omnipotence looks like. I’ve felt it. In Pennsylvania. In a field.”
I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s okay for Iran to have a nuclear weapon. I don’t want a Pope who criticises the President of the United States for doing exactly what he was elected — in a landslide — to do. Get your act together, Leo. Focus on being a great Pope. Not a politician. It’s hurting him very badly, and more importantly, it’s hurting the Church.
His brother Louis, by the way — great guy. All MAGA. I like Louis much better than I like the Pope. I said that. I’ll say it again. Blood tells.
The Pope has no fear of the Trump administration, he says. He announced this on an aeroplane.
Neither do I.
The hum is louder now. Or maybe it was always this loud and you just stopped noticing it. The curtain still hasn’t moved. He is still perfectly still. He has always been perfectly still.
The Trump House. Rebranded. The morality? Absolute. The ballroom? Four hundred million. The children? Rescued. The civilisation? Warned. The international organisations we left? Sixty-six. Elon? Handled. The Pope? Corrected. The successor? Named. The Lord? Consulted.
McDonald’s? Consistent.
The truth? Social.
I don’t just earn the scroll.
I own the screen.
Now sit back. Settle in. This is going to run for a very long time.
And then he pauses. For the first time. The hum drops a frequency. Somewhere outside, very far away, something that might be wind moves across something that might be stone. He looks directly into the camera. Not at it. Through it. Into whatever is on the other side.
There’s one more thing I want to address tonight.
The mountain.
People have been asking — very smart people, historians, some of the greatest sculptors in the world, people who understand legacy at the highest level — they’ve been asking about Mount Rushmore. About the four faces up there in the granite. Washington. Jefferson. Roosevelt. Lincoln. Wonderful men. Some of them, frankly, tremendous. And there is a space — and I’ve had people look at this very carefully, geological surveys, the best people, the kind of people who understand rock at a level nobody else understands rock — there is space on that mountain.
Now. I’m not saying this for me. I want to be very clear about that. I’m saying it for the country. I’m saying it for the people who come from all over the world — Japan, Germany, Brazil, places that have never produced a leader of this calibre — and they stand at the base of that mountain and they look up and they feel something. They feel America. And the question they are going to ask — and they are already asking it, believe me, the tour guides will tell you, the numbers at the visitor centre are incredible — the question is: where is he?
Because the story is incomplete.
Washington built the country. Jefferson wrote down what it meant. Roosevelt charged up a hill. Lincoln held it together when it was falling apart. These are chapters. Important chapters. But a book without its final chapter is just a draft. And I don’t do drafts. I do finished work.
The greatest President in the history of the United States. Not just this country — I’ve had leaders, very serious leaders, leaders of countries that have been around for thousands of years, they pull me aside and they say, “Sir, in the entire history of the world — “ and they can’t finish the sentence. They just look at me. They know.
The chisel is ready. The granite is there. It has always been there, waiting. Four faces looking out over South Dakota for a hundred years, and one space that was never an accident — it was a reservation. The mountain knew.
Stone is patient like that.
The fifth face. The final chapter. The mountain completes itself.
And when it’s done — when you stand at that base and look up and see Washington and Jefferson and Roosevelt and Lincoln and Trump — you will understand, perhaps for the first time, what this country was always supposed to become.
It was always supposed to become this.
The curtain moves. Just once. Just slightly. Then it is still again, and he is still, and the hum holds its note in the dark, and the light still has no source, and it occurs to you — too late, as these things always do — that it never did.
The world, according to Trump, is magnificent. His sidekick, God, agrees. And nobody — nobody — is going to stop what’s coming.
Nobody!
The Almighty Gob is a Bristol-based publication founded by John Langley — independent Bristol mayoral candidate 2016 and 2021, and one of the city’s most forensic observers of institutional power. Publishing since 2020, with over 500 articles. Across seven platforms and Substack at thealmightygob.com — no party allegiance, no press accreditation, no interest in acquiring either.