Thirty Years of Climate Conferences: How the UN Turned Planetary Emergency Into an Annual Junket.`-

COP31 Will Be About Coal. Yes, Really. After Three Decades of "Progress."

A View From Outside the Bubble.

I left school at 15. No university. No degrees. A complete numpty by most academic standards, and all these years later, I’m still one.

They say the more you know, the less you know. But there’s something else that happens as you get older: the bullshit becomes more transparent. You stop seeing things as you hope they’d be and start seeing them for what they actually are.

Maybe I’m wrong about what follows. Maybe I should have degrees and formal education so I could understand the nuanced complexity these clever people are working with. Maybe there’s some brilliant strategic thinking I’m too thick to grasp.

But here’s the thing about not having an education—it has its advantages. You can look at something unemotionally, without being invested in the system, and ask the simple question: what the actual hell is this really all about?

So let’s look at the UN Climate Change Conferences with fresh eyes, shall we?

The Theory Sounds Brilliant.

In theory, the United Nations Climate Change Conferences are a brilliant idea. Get all the world’s nations together annually to coordinate action on the existential threat facing humanity. Pool expertise, share resources, hold each other accountable, and implement solutions before the planet becomes uninhabitable.

In practice? It’s the world’s most expensive performance art installation, costing hundreds of millions per year while achieving precisely bugger all except providing career security for climate consultants and photo opportunities for politicians.

Welcome to the COP circus—thirty years running, and they’ve only just got around to “implementation.”

The Three-Decade Warm-Up Act.

The first Conference of the Parties kicked off in Berlin in 1995. That’s thirty years of annual conferences. Thousands of speeches about urgency. Countless pledges, commitments, frameworks, and declarations.

The result? Global emissions have continued rising. Temperatures keep increasing. The climate keeps destabilising.

COP30 in Brazil is being billed as “the COP of implementation and adaptation,” because apparently the previous 29 were just practice rounds. Three decades of negotiations about negotiations. Frameworks for discussing frameworks. Working groups to establish committees to consider forming task forces.

It’s spending thirty years planning a dinner party without cooking the meal, then announcing year thirty-one will finally be about “food preparation.”

The Superpower No-Shows.

Here’s something interesting: the world’s biggest polluters keep skipping these conferences.

At COP30, the US isn’t sending any high-level representatives. Trump’s not there. China’s President Xi Jinping isn’t there—he’s sent a vice premier instead. India’s Prime Minister Modi isn’t attending either.

Now, I’m not a supporter of Trump or Xi Jinping. But when you stare the facts in the face, the only rational conclusion is that these superpower leaders don’t attend because the bullshit of it all is as clear as daylight to them, too.

They’ve worked out what I’m only just cottoning onto: this is theatre. The world’s three biggest polluters have collectively decided the annual climate conference isn’t worth their time. That should tell you everything you need to know about how seriously anyone actually takes this circus.

The Latest Instalment: COP30’s Expensive Holiday.

COP30 runs from 10-21 November 2025 in Belém, Brazil. But there was a “Climate Summit” that kicked off on 6 November for world leaders to fly in, make speeches, pose for photographs, and leave before the actual work began.

The accommodation crisis captures the spirit perfectly: Airbnb prices surged from $11 per night to $9,320 per day. Twenty-seven countries signed letters demanding solutions, with some pressuring Brazil to move the event elsewhere. Nothing says “urgent planetary crisis” like arguing about hotel prices while the Amazon burns.

Follow the Money (Straight Down the Drain).

COP26 in Glasgow cost the UK Government close to £100 million—just the host country’s bill. COP28 in Dubai attracted 85,000 participants. Tens of thousands of flights, hotels, security, and venues—all for a fortnight of talking that produces unenforceable agreements.

What could £100 million buy? Solar panels on tens of thousands of homes. Millions of trees. Actual renewable energy projects. Support for vulnerable communities. Real solutions instead of conferences about having conferences.

The irony? These massive events have enormous carbon footprints—the very thing they’re meeting to address.

The Fossil Fuel Industry’s Annual Networking Event.

Here’s a delightful detail: at COP29 in Baku, there were at least 1,773 fossil fuel lobbyists granted access. That’s more than nearly every national delegation except the hosts. The oil and gas industry outnumbered delegates from the ten most climate-vulnerable nations combined.

Let that properly sink in. The people causing the problem have more representation than the people suffering from it.

It’s like hosting an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at a brewery, inviting the brewers to sit in on all the sessions, then wondering why nobody’s getting sober.

The fossil fuel industry isn’t there to be held accountable—they’re there to ensure nothing too radical actually happens. And it works beautifully. Thirty years of conferences, and we still haven’t managed to commit to phasing out the stuff that’s causing the problem.

The Pattern: Rinse, Repeat, Achieve Nothing.

Every single COP follows the same predictable script:

1. Countries arrive and announce ambitious new targets

2. Everyone applauds the “historic” commitments

3. Nobody mentions that they haven’t met any previous targets

4. Rich countries promise money they won’t actually deliver

5. Poor countries (correctly) complain it’s inadequate

6. Two weeks of negotiations that should take two days

7. Multiple all-nighters as the deadline passes

8. A vague agreement cobbled together at 3 am

9. Everyone declares victory and books flights home

10. Emissions continue rising

11. Repeat in twelve months

At COP29, after extending past the deadline, countries agreed that developed nations should provide $300 billion per year by 2035 to help developing countries tackle climate change.

Sounds impressive until you remember the existing $100 billion annual promise from 2009 was only met in 2022—two years late and twelve years after the deadline. So when they promise $300 billion by 2035, factor in the track record. They’ll probably hit it sometime around 2048, assuming they don’t just move the goalposts again. Which they will.

Why Not Just Use Zoom?

Why does coordinating climate action require flying 85,000 people around the world for two weeks? Most of this could be done remotely. Countries could submit commitments electronically. Technical negotiations could happen via video calls.

But then you’d lose the networking opportunities. The photo ops. The chance for politicians to be seen doing something without implementing anything difficult back home.

Back in 2006, a BBC reporter coined the phrase “climate tourists” for delegates who attended COP in Nairobi to see Africa, take snaps of the wildlife, the poor, dying African children and women.” Twenty years later, the guest list has just got bigger.

COP31: The Coal Conference (If They Ever Decide Who Hosts It).

And now for the pièce de résistance—the absolute pinnacle of this farce.

COP31 in 2026 is being fought over by Australia and Turkey. They were supposed to decide by June 2025. We’re now in November 2025, and they still haven’t sorted it out. The UN climate chief himself said the delay is “unhelpful and unnecessary,” which is diplomatic speak for “this is bloody ridiculous.”

Here’s the magnificent irony: both Australia and Turkey are among the world’s most coal-dependent countries. Australia is the third-largest fossil fuel exporter globally, with emissions from exported fossil fuels more than double those from its entire domestic economy. Turkey’s electricity is 36% coal-fired.

Despite earlier calls for COP hosts to support fossil fuel phase-out, in December 2024, Australia approved expansion of coal mines and Turkey approved expansion of coal power.

So after thirty years of climate conferences, COP31’s big theme will apparently be... coal. The thing they were supposed to be phasing out at all the previous conferences. Hosted by countries that can’t stop expanding it.

Vanuatu’s climate envoy has already called out Australia for “not acting in good faith” by promoting climate credentials while continuing to approve new coal and gas projects. The Pacific nations Australia wants to “partner” with are already saying they’re full of shit.

But that won’t stop the show. If they ever actually decide who hosts it, COP31 will be billed as the “Coal Transition COP” or some such bollocks, where delegates will make grand declarations about phasing down coal by 2050 while the host country approves new mines.

Meanwhile, they can’t even decide who gets to host the conference, less than a year before it’s supposed to happen. Professional.

The Uncomfortable Truth.

UN Secretary-General António Guterres said it himself at COP30: “It’s no longer time for negotiations. It’s time for implementation, implementation and implementation.”

If the boss admits they need to stop negotiating and start implementing, why have we had thirty negotiating conferences?

Because COP has become a self-perpetuating industry. Careers built around attending these conferences. Consultancies specialising in COP strategy. NGOs whose purpose is to show up annually to express disappointment.

Nobody can admit it’s been a waste because then the circus ends, and everyone loses their jobs.

The Brutal Cost-Benefit Analysis.

Costs:

• Hundreds of millions per conference in taxpayer money

• Massive carbon emissions from international travel

• Thirty years of diplomatic resources

• Opportunity cost of what that money could have achieved

Benefits:

• The Kyoto Protocol (the US never ratified, and Canada withdrew)

• The Paris Agreement (voluntary targets, no enforcement)

• Commitments are routinely missed with zero consequences

• A thriving climate conference industry

The carbon footprint of flying 85,000 people to conferences probably exceeds many small nations’ annual emissions. We’re burning jet fuel by the ton to discuss reducing emissions.

The money could have funded actual solutions. Real renewable projects. Genuine adaptation measures. Instead, it’s gone on hotels and ensuring fossil fuel lobbyists have comfortable seats.

The Definition of Insanity.

Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

Thirty COPs. Thirty years. Thousands of speeches. Countless pledges that weren’t kept, followed by new pledges that won’t be kept either.

Emissions keep rising. Temperatures keep increasing. Nothing changes.

But next year there’ll be another COP, another £100 million spent, where delegates will discuss why the previous conferences didn’t work, make new promises, and declare victory because at least everyone’s still talking.

The planet burns. The consultants keep their jobs.

In Theory vs. In Practice.

In theory, international cooperation on climate change is essential. The problem is global, solutions require coordination, and having a forum makes perfect sense.

In practice, we’ve created a monster—an annual jamboree more important for its existence than its outcomes. A circus that costs more than it achieves, burns more carbon than it saves, and lets politicians pretend they’re doing something while avoiding difficult decisions.

After thirty years, the conclusion is inescapable: the UN Climate Change Conference has failed. Not because the idea was bad, but because the execution has been catastrophically useless.

If they were serious, they’d enforce existing commitments, implement binding penalties, and stop wasting millions on festivals of inaction.

But they won’t. The farce must go on.

See you at COP31, where coal-dependent countries will host a conference about reducing coal while approving new mines. The planet will burn. But at least everyone will have had a nice trip.