#Bristol - A Bristolian Rhapsody. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a Tram Dream, no escape from reality.
From Salt 'n' Pepa to Smooth Operators: The Lyrical Journey.
Well, I suppose if anyone would do it, it would have to be me. So, for those of you old enough to remember that Salt ‘n’ Pepper song from a bygone year, ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ - I’ve rewritten the lyrics.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
(Chorus)
Let's talk about trams, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about trams!
(Verse 1)
Some folks like their buses, slow and lumbering
Others fancy cars, always bumpering
But there's a new kid, sleek and on a rail
Promising a future that will never fail.
No more traffic jams, no more fossil fume
Just quiet, gliding journeys, banishing all gloom.
(Chorus)
Let's talk about trams, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about trams!
(Verse 2)
They dig up all the roads, a year or maybe two
For lines and overhead wires, a brand new view.
Businesses complain, of dust and lost footfall
But soon, they say, the shoppers will answer freedom's call.
Then the grand opening, with a ribbon and a cheer
As the first shiny carriage rolls, banishing all fear.
(Chorus)
Let's talk about trams, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about trams!
(Bridge)
Now, some say "over budget!" and "where's the promised speed?"
And "will it even stop where the people really need?"
And "what about the maintenance, who will pay the bill?"
But shush those cynic whispers, just try to stand still.
For the future's on the tracks, a gleaming, metal dream
Even if the idea’s already going, slightly out of steam.
(Chorus)
Let's talk about trams, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about trams!
(Outro) Yeah, trams! So futuristic! (Fade out with the sound of a distant - as in Manchester or Edinburgh - tram.
In the mood, now you’ve enjoyed a retrospective sing-along?
Good, because as promised, I’m now fully recovered (again) and firing on all cylinders a tram will never have.
As you well know, trams in this country are nothing new. Unless, of course, you live in Bristol. A Cinderella city with green-glass slipper dreams and a tram named Prince, conveniently located somewhere on the horizon past Dundry, and beyond to a magical never-never land.
Being decades behind most other cities, Bristol suddenly feels the need to catch up with more civilised parts of the world, and our elected council have had a vision. Yes, there’s more than one, and it’s envisioning a ten-mile stretch of tram track from Long Ashton, through the city centre and “up the M32.” Or, in my slightly saner view, more like ‘down the swanny.’
To put this into perspective, let’s look at the history of tram implementation over the past few decades around the country. The logical conclusion is that Bristol can learn from Edinburgh's costly fiascos (e.g., poor planning, utility surprises, contractor disputes) and Manchester's successful expansions, ensuring a smoother ride for its own project. They'd point to Edinburgh's successful extension as proof that lessons can be learned. However. My Pie in the Sky Wishful Thinking (The Cynic's Reality Check) says differently.
The Bristolian Terrain (And the Inevitable Digging): "Third generation" or not, Bristol's hills, narrow, ancient streets, and labyrinthine underground of unmapped utilities present a monumental challenge. Remember Edinburgh unearthing more pipes and wires than a spaghetti factory? Bristol, with its rich history, practically guarantees similar, if not worse, subterranean surprises. The wishful thinking is that new technology simply sidesteps these geological and historical realities.
Funding Fairies and the UK's Infrastructure Black Hole: While Bristol has received some "mass transit development" funding from central government (£200 million for WECA), this is merely for development. The actual construction costs for a tram line in the UK are astronomical, averaging around £87 million per mile – more than double the European average. The wishful thinking is that this government, or any future one, will suddenly open the national purse strings wide enough for Bristol's grand tram dreams, especially given the current fiscal constraints and the sheer number of other unfunded projects across the country. Private investment is always hoped for, but these projects rarely get off the ground without significant public subsidy.
Disruption Tolerance (The Unbearable Lightness of Being Bristolian): Bristolians are famously (or infamously) prone to complaining about roadworks. Imagine years of widespread disruption, diversions, and the inevitable "Tram Works Hell" headlines. The wishful thinking is that the public will patiently endure endless construction for a future benefit that might feel very far off, especially if early phases hit the kind of delays seen elsewhere. The phrase "short-term pain for long-term gain" has a particularly hollow ring when you're stuck in traffic for the third hour.
Political Will Beyond the Green Bubble: While the Green Party might be passionate, securing cross-party and regional consensus (especially with the West of England Combined Authority, WECA, being the primary transport authority) for such a gargantuan, disruptive, and costly project is a Herculean task. The wishful thinking is that everyone will magically align on the specific routes, funding mechanisms, and trade-offs, rather than descending into the usual political squabbles and funding merry-go-round.
The "Bus vs. Tram" Conundrum (A Tale as Old as Time): The argument often goes that better, faster buses could achieve many of the same goals at a fraction of the cost and disruption. The wishful thinking is that a tram, with its fixed routes and high upfront cost, is inherently superior to a highly optimised, expanded bus network, even if studies suggest only a small shift from cars to buses but a larger one to trams. It's a psychological appeal as much as a practical one – trams just feel more "mass transit."
In essence, for Bristol's Green administration, the tram is a tantalising, almost poetic solution to the city's transport woes. The "logic" paints a picture of a clean, efficient, prosperous future. However, the "pie in the sky" element reminds us that building such a dream on Bristol's challenging, historic canvas, with the current UK economic climate and the cautionary tales of other cities echoing in the background, requires a level of optimism that borders on the miraculous.
But hey, let’s not forget the abject failure of those much-loved (not) LTN’s that spectacularly bombed in other cities, and how our Green admin considered themselves well above such failure, implementing them in Bristol. So, maybe, just maybe, the ace card up their City Hall sleeve will be summoning Jesus to part the way for tram lines. Just like he did the Red Sea. It seems anything is possible with Green. Though the smoking variety is good for existential visions, so I’ve heard.
