#Bristol in the Maird: A Sewage Symphony in Several Movements.

Right, pinch your noses, people, because the fragrant tapestry of Bristol's waterways has become even more… aromatic. Following the Bristol Post’s report into the scandalous state of our rivers, where more sewage than polite society cares to contemplate has been taking an unscheduled dip, here’s a delve deeper into the murky depths of the data. And what the Post has dredged up is less shimmering treasure and more… well, let's just say you wouldn't want to use it to water your prize-winning petunias.

Last year, in the year of our Lord 2024, our beloved Bristolian rivulets and streams played host to a staggering 8,075 individual sewage spills. Let that number marinate in your minds for a moment, like a particularly stubborn stain on your favourite white trousers. That's an average of twenty-two separate occasions a day when the contents of our collective lavatorial adventures decided to go for a bit of wild swimming. Apparently, the local aquatic life has now almost developed a taste for the finer things in… well, you know.

And the duration of this deluge? A frankly jaw-dropping 53,000 hours in total. To put that into perspective for those of you not (eff)fluent in the language of relentless pollution, that's the equivalent of letting a tap run continuously for over six years. Except instead of refreshing hydration, we're talking about a prolonged baptism in… you guessed it. One can only imagine the bewildered expressions of the local fish population as they navigate our perpetual waterways of despair.

Now, let's talk about the star players in this faecal free-for-all. Topping our prestigious "Leaky Loo Olympics" leaderboard, the gold medalist in the art of aquatic effluence is the magnificent Great Badminton Storm Tank. With a truly awe-inspiring 189 spills totalling a staggering 4,012 hours, it's practically a full-time job for this particular outlet to ensure our waterways remain… enriched. That's 167 days of non-stop, unadulterated outflow. You could have sailed around the world (or at least learned to knit a very long, brown scarf) in that time.

Snatching the silver medal in this esteemed competition is the Doynton Inlet, with a respectable 126 spills clocking in at a mere 2,484 hours. Consider them the consistent underachiever, still diligently contributing to the overall… ambience, but just not quite reaching the dizzying heights of the Great Badminton. A solid effort, nonetheless, in the grand scheme of things that really ought not to be flowing into our rivers.

And now, for the bronze. Taking the third, or perhaps, turd spot on our podium of pollutant prodigies is the Tockington Moor Lane Storm Tank, diligently dispensing its dubious delights for a grand total of 2,156 hours. A commendable performance, ensuring that the delicate ecosystem of our local waterways receives a regular… shall we say… infusion of the less desirable byproducts of modern living.

Following closely behind, like particularly persistent… well, you know… are the Avonmouth Kingsweston Lane Storm Tank and the Alveston Lower Hazel Storm Tank, both clocking in with similarly impressive (and by impressive, I mean deeply concerning) figures of over 2,000 hours of spillage each. It's a veritable sewage supergroup, each playing their part in this ongoing aquatic atrocity.

So there you have it, Bristol. Not just a city of vibrant culture and questionable street art, but a veritable champion in the arena of unintended water feature creation. A place where the gentle babbling of brooks is increasingly likely to be the sound of something truly unpleasant making its leisurely journey downstream. Perhaps we should rebrand our tourist board? "Visit Bristol: Where the rivers run brown, but the banter is top-notch!"

One can only hope that the local wildlife is developing a sophisticated palate for… the local flavour. And maybe, just maybe, someone in charge will eventually decide that our waterways deserve better than to be treated as a giant, open-air… well, you know. Until then, perhaps invest in some sturdy wellington boots. You never know when you might accidentally stumble upon one of Bristol's many unscheduled water features. You have been warned, again.