Now Hiring: Director of Urology for #Bristol City Council.
Bristol Council's Financial Crisis Explained: How New Park Charges for Dog Walkers, Fitness Instructors, and Residents are Funding a £600m Debt.
Bristol City Hall, it seems, has a new opening, and it’s a pee-erfect fit for someone with a very particular set of skills. That’s right, in a move that’s certainly raising some eyebrows, the council is seeking a Director of Urology. And no, you haven’t stumbled upon the wrong job board. This highly paid post isn’t about medicine—it’s about an entirely different kind of public service.
This groundbreaking role is designed for a true expert in the art of “taking the piss.” The ideal candidate will possess a proven track record of extracting valuable resources from an unsuspecting public, with a focus on innovative revenue streams that citizens are, technically, already paying for.
The Reason for the Lunacy.
And what, you might ask, is the justification for this fiscal lunacy? It's simple, really. Bristol City Council's debt has significantly increased, reaching approximately £600 million in 2024/25, a rise of £105 million from the previous year. This figure highlights a worrying trend of escalating debt, with reports suggesting potential bankruptcy fears and a need to sell off assets to manage the shortfall. So, in their infinite wisdom, the council has decided that rather than making common sense cuts or tackling their spending issues, the best course of action is to squeeze every last drop of financial contribution from Bristol's long-suffering citizens.
The Role.
As Director of Urology, you will report directly to the Chief Executive and will be responsible for a team of highly specialised financial funnellers. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to identify and exploit new opportunities to squeeze every last drop of financial contribution from Bristol's long-suffering citizens.
Your day-to-day duties will include:
Pee-reviewing existing council services to find hidden costs and “optional” fees.
Innovating ways to charge for things that were previously free, like that pleasant stroll around a public park, or the air you breathe while waiting for a bus.
Streamlining the process of taking the piss out of local residents and ensuring maximum financial output for minimal tangible benefit.
Developing new "subscription models" for public services, such as a premium pass for a less bumpy ride on our world-class potholes.
Candidate Specifications;
We're looking for someone who doesn’t just think outside the box; they've already figured out how to charge people for the box and the air inside it. The successful applicant will have at least ten years of experience in fiscal extraction, a Master’s degree in Advanced Mugging, and a complete lack of shame.
The First Major Initiative? Taking a Whizz at Park Users.
In a move that’s surprised absolutely nobody, Bristol City Council has announced a new scheme to make our parks and green spaces more… profitable. You might have thought these public havens were paid for by your council tax—a naive thought, to be sure. It turns out that while you're footing the bill, the council has been hard at work, finding new and inventive ways to extract more from you. And this time, they've set their sights on your fitness routines and your furry friends.
That's right, Bristol's professional dog walkers and fitness instructors are now the city's latest cash cows. As of October 1st, if you want to run a paid-for yoga class or a dog-walking business in our glorious public parks, you’ll need a licence. And not a cheap one. We’re talking a whopping £450 per year for a single park, or £900 for multiple parks.
This, we are told, is all in the name of "safety," "fair access," and "protecting the experience of regular park visitors." What a load of old cobblers.
Let’s translate this into plain English.
"Safety": We are now so concerned about the inherent danger of a yoga class that it must be licenced, while a group of kids playing rugby (unlicensed) is apparently perfectly safe.
"Fair Access": This means we’re ensuring that the parks are accessible to everyone, so long as you’re not trying to make a living in them without handing over a significant portion of your income to the council.
"Protecting the Experience": This refers to protecting the council’s experience of having an increased bank account, funded by dog walkers and personal trainers.
So, who's going to enforce this? Are our beloved "Fag Butt Enforcers," who have had less to do as the city's smoking rate declines, being retrained as park wardens? Will they lurk in the bushes, armed with an iPad and a card reader, ready to fine an unlicensed boot camp instructor mid-burpee? It's a job creation scheme worthy of the very best episodes of The Thick of It.
The Future of Fiscal Micturition.
If this is anything to go by, it seems the council's grand plan is just getting started. The new Director of Urology will have their work cut out for them, identifying which groups to target next. Will wedding parties be charged a "procession fee" for walking Bristol’s streets? Will a group of lads on a night out in the city centre be hit with a "public merriment" surcharge? Will guided tourist groups be issued a bill for taking in the breathtaking views of Cabot Circus? What about the van dwellers, a group already defined by their unconventional use of public space? Surely they'll be next on the list for a "residential parking" fee of biblical proportions.
We've already had the 'Low Traffic Implementation Neighbourhoods' as their first barmy introduction to running a council. And if this is anything to go by, the next few years until the general election will have us all not daring to set foot outside our front door!
The fact is, this isn't about safety or fairness. It's about a council, run by the Greens, who are so short of cash they're now charging for the air we breathe while exercising in a space we already pay for. The next time you see a professional dog walker, spare a thought for them. They're not just walking a few pooches; they're now official, licenced contributors to Bristol's new "Public Fiscal Micturition" programme. And if the council has their way, we’ll all be peeing money into their pockets before too long.